Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tonight is going to be very hard. I am anxious to see my dad again, but I am also dreading it. I know tomorrow will be the last time I ever see his face again. I think that is the hardest part.

We made my dad promise us he would send us a sign that he is okay. Every day I look at everything wondering if it is my sign. Like I saw a field full of geese the other day, which is really unusual this time of year. I do know in my hear that he is okay, in a better place, I just wish he would send me a definitive sign somehow, to heal my own heart a little.

I haven't really cried since my dad passed. I feel kind of cold hearted. I remember it was the same way after I lost Nevaeh. Which means the months ahead is when it is going to hit me, and I will be the biggest mess.

My pastor described loosing a loved one as an open wound. Right now anytime your press anything against it, it is very painful. But over time the wound starts to heal and hurts less, but there will always be a scar there. I like that analogy.

My mom and me went and got are hair colored and cut yesterdday together. It was nice. My mom is my best friend, and I love spending time with her. I think what hurts me the most is seeing her in so much pain. A special thanks to Beth Rusch who worked on her day off to do me and my mom's hair. There are so many special people helping us out during this difficult time. Even the simplest things - my cousin Wendy gave us all massages on Saturday. My neighbor cooked 3 meals for my family, so I haven't cooked all week, which is a huge help. People are sending cards that I haven't talked to in years. My friend Scott is making beautiful prayer cards with my dad's picture on it. It is all so appreciated.

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