Happy New Year

As we get ready to put 2010 behind us, I find myself reflecting on the past year. It's been a tough one. 2010 is a year that I will always remember - but unfortunately I'll remember it as the year that I lost my dad.

We've all gone through so many changes and transformations in the last year. We've experience so many firsts without my dad. Macey's first birthday, my 30th birthday - and the first without my dad calling to sing to me - the first labor day without my dad at the pond, the first holidays without buying him gifts, or having him there.

2010 has been very sad in all of those respects, but it has also been happy in many ways. Most of all we have to remember that we survived loosing my dad. Although extremly difficult, we made it through. Loosing someone so beloved can potentially ruin people, and spoil their attitude towards life. I am so proud of my family for embracing my dad's death as a time to make us all stronger and closer.

I am so proud of my mom for embracing being able to love someone new. Although Jerry will never be my dad, we are happy that he makes my mom happy.

I am so proud of my sister. 2011 is going to bring big change to her. She is going back to school after loosing her job. She is going to be the first one in our family with a Bachelor's degree. My dad would be so proud of her.

I am proud of myself for using my dad's death as a time to become closer to God. I may not go to church every week, but the experience has definetly left me seeking deep within my soul for answers, peace, and forgiveness for all of the miracles that were unanswered.

First Christmas Without Dad

Well we made it through our first Christmas without my dad. I am really proud of us - we made it through the day without any tears at all. We just wanted to make it a happy and fun day for the kids.

My nephew ended up with the stomach flu, so him and my sister left after opening presents. That was really sad for me, because it wasn't the same without her there either!

My neice and nephew loved their memory bears. They were made out of my dad's pants. McKenna at one point told me she was very sad because she missed her papa very much. It was very weird, and very out of the blue. But it makes me happy knowing she still remembers him and thinks about him.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

T-Shirt Quilt

This is my mom's Christmas present. It's a quilt made out of my dad's t-shirts. I had one made for my sister too, but the quilting won't be done by Christmas. I am also having one made for me. It turned out so awesome. My mom is going to love it. What a great way to save all of his favorite t-shirts and display them in a cool way!!

Yesterday we celebrated Christmas with my dad's family. It was hard. There was a lot of tears. It was fine until Christmas Carolers from our church came in and sang Silent Night. My mom always cries at Silent Night - but of course it was way different this year. I looked at my mom and grandma and sister crying, and no matter how hard I tried - I couldn't hold it together. The rest of the day was really hard to compose myself. Any little thing set me off. Especially Christmas music. I think it brings back the many memories of Christmas with my dad. It brings me back to when I was a little girl. When my daddy was there, and all seemed right in the world.

I am looking forward to Christmas - but I also can't wait until it's over. Unfortunately Christmas is one of the last "first milestones" we need to make it through without my dad. The only thing left is his birthday and the year anniversary of this death.

As Christmas gets nearer and nearer - it just reminds me even more that this will be our first Christmas without dad here. I was wrapping a present this week, and the gift bag I was using was recycled from a previous Christmas. On the tag it said - Love mom and dad. It was an instant reminder that there would be no gifts for or from dad this year.

My mom had a hard time decorating the tree this year. A lot of her ornaments are homemade from us as kids - and a lot have all of our names on them - even my dad's. So that was a reminder to her that my dad is not here this year either.

I still plan to make the best of this Christmas. Last year was the worse Christmas possible. My dad got admitted the day after Christmas because his bowel reperforated. Christmas was spent tending to my dad, and panicking, and wondering if we should bring him to the ER. He was also really out of it, and didn't know where we were or who he was.

So because of that, I plan to make it the best Christmas possible. I am sure there will be tears and sadness, but I want it to also be happy. I know dad is there with us in spirit. How awesome for him - he gets to spend his first Christmas in Heaven. He gets to spend it with his brother Jerry, and grandbaby. I can only imagine what all of the christmas lights look like from up in Heaven. Yes - I know he'll be smiling down on us, and sending us lots of warm fuzzy memories all day.

Today it was announced that Elizabeth Edwards is loosing her battle with Cancer. She will be stopping her treatment. Knowing she is a mother of two small children, my heart literally aches for her. She released a statement on Facebook, and I thought her words were so brave and such a good reminder to all of us that are still healthy.

"You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human.

"But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know."

Milestones

We've had some major milestones in our house this past weekend! McKenna pooped on the potty two nights in a row! She's never done it two days in a row before. And never in my life did I ever think poop would be so exciting to me!!!

Macey got off forumla last week, and this weekend we took her bottle away from her. It was so nice not having to wash one single bottle the whole weekend. It is also bittersweet as that officially means she is not a baby anymore (sniff, sniff).

It was weird dropping McKenna off in undies today, and Macey without any bottles. My kids are growing up so fast!