The past month has been crazy busy! I can't believe this upcomming weekend is Labor Day already! Although I love Fall, I am so not ready for the Winter and return of my nemesis - snow.

I started one of my new medications - the one for my muscle twitching. It works pretty good, but it makes me so drowsy! And the dreams I have, man they are so vivid. I think I am so tired just from all the weird dreams.

The one symptom that I hate the worse of MS is the fatigue. Especially after an kind of activity, but especially excersice. Usually excersice is suppose to give you more energy, well not me. I've always noticed that when I work out on my lunches, I am falling asleep at my desk in the afternoons. On Monday I just walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes and did the stationary bike for 15 minutes. I was so beat in the afternoon, I think I literally nodded off at my desk a few times. It is so frustrating.

I've always been one that is very sensitive about my weight. The only thing that makes me feel better about myself is being able to work out. Now I feel like I can't even do that. And I can really tell in my stomach area that I have gained weight. I hate it. If being sick and not feeling well wasn't bad enough, now I can add low self esteem and body issues to the bag of emotions as well. I am hoping once I start all my meds, and have been on them awhile, things will get better.

Officially MS

I saw my nuerologist today. Based on my symptoms, and my positive spinal tap, he is definetly diagnosing this as MS. At first he was a little hesitant because all my MRI's came back clean, but when he found out my family history, and how all of their tests came back clean too, he decided to just diagnose it MS. I am confident in that diagnosis. As much as it sucks, I know in my heart that this is what it is. I've had issue after issue for the past two years, and all of it can be linked back to MS.

He prescribed me a drug for my fatigue, as well as a seperate drug for my muscle twitches. I will also be starting copaxane in the upcomming weeks. I hope that by starting copaxane, it will keep the disease at bay, and hopefully it will give some of my symptoms some relief also. I am still hoping for my eye to go back to normal.

I am so thankful for my mom. She was there with me today. I have watched her live her life with this disease, so I know it is possible..

Overwhelmed

So I think I've passed the "shock" phase of my potential diagnosis. Because all of the sudden, I just keep thinking how bad this sucks.

I am really sick of feeling like crap. The past few weeks have been very difficult. I am so exhausted. Exhuastion is actually an understatement. By 1:00 I am almost falling asleep at my desk. The drive home is awful. I almost need to call someone on my cell phone just to stay awake. Then when I get home, all I want to do is lay down and rest, but I have the girls to take care of. I feel really horrible for the girls. I feel like a bad mom not being able to play and be active with them.

Jason has been finishing a job in Wausau. So he has been leaving home by 6:30 in the morning, and not getting home until 8:30 at night or sometimes later. So it leaves me doing everything around the house, and everything with the girls. And I think that is why I have been feeling like crap. I know with MS, stress and pushing your body to the limits is the worse thing. It is so frustrating.

Last night when I went to bed, it felt like someone was sticking a hot poker into the bottom of my foot. It was not pleasant. Then anytime I try to fall asleep, I have muscle spasms through out my whole body. Mainly in my legs and arms. They twitch, pretty violently, and wake me up. But most the time I am so tired, I can sleep through the most of it.

Mentally, I hate feeling like this. My memory sucks lately. In fact at the beginning of this episode this summer, I even forgot my pin number to my debit card. I had to have them resend it to me. I use to have such a sharp memory, and this is really frustrating. I also have no attention span. I feel like a kid with ADD. It's really hard to stay focused on tasks at hand. All of these symptoms together have left me feeling a bit depressed and have such a short fuse. And I hate that. I end up having such short patience with my kids, and end up yelling at them. I feel like such a bad mom sometimes.

All this makes me also feel bad for Jason. He works so hard. Over 65 hours a week. Do I have any right to complain to him how tired I am? It just doesn't seem right. That's what makes me so sad and frustrated. I need help sometimes, and I feel to guilty asking him for it. I feel bad that Jason and my girls will have to live with this the rest of their lives too. It obviously just doesn't effect me.

I just so want to feel better, and get back to my old self. I am not sure if that is possible or not. But I am holding out hope that a combination of the Copaxane and drugs for fatigue will help.

Yesterday I had more testing done. I was suppose to get a MRI of my spine done, but the MRI machine broke. Imagine that - just my luck. So I actually have to go back tomorrow and have that done.

I had 3 evoked potential tests done. One on my vision, one on my upper body, and the other one on my lower body. I was scared! I thought this would be quite painful, considering they send electrical impulses through you, to see how the nerves react. It wasn't bad at all. I was actually really suprised.

Of course I have no results yet. This whole summer has just been one waiting game after another. I go back to see the neurologist on September 6th. The same day my fall semester classes start at UWGB. I hope I don't get overwhelmed this semester with going back to school, plus trying to figure out this MS thing and get treatment. I just want to feel better soon!!!

Diagnosis

Yesterday I got my spinal tap results back, and was told they came back positive for the markers of Multiple Sclerosis. I can't say I am all the surprised. I think I have know that this would be the diagnosis for quite awhile now. I've had several comlications and issues that I have been dealing with for a couple of years now. It can all point back to MS now. I am a little relieved to get the diagnosis actually, as I was beginning to think I was crazy with all the weird stuff I have been experiencing. They think my eye can also be from the MS.

So what's next? Well, next week I have to undergo some more testing. I have to have a MRI of my spine to check for lesions there. I also have to undergo 3 evoked potential tests. Those tests check the function of your nerve pathways. After that, it will be another waiting game until I meet with the neurologist on 9/6.

I am thinking I may check out a different neurologist. I really like the one I have, but he specializes in pain management, so he is not a specialist when it comes to MS. I think I may check out Marshfield Clinic again, as they have been so AWESOME in dealing with my eye. They seem like they actually care, and they are constantly calling to follow up with me.

I will have to decide whether or not to go on treatment. I know some people would think that is a no-brainer, but there are a lot of things to think about when weighing it out. First the medication is very expensive. So I need to figure out how my insurance would cover it. Secondly, it's not just a little pill that you swallow every day. Most the treatments are intramuscular injections. Thirdly, the medications all can have nasty side effects. These are all things that I need to think about. I do want to do anything I can in my power though to slow down the progression of this disease.

So how am I? I am actually doing good. Call it shock, or denial, or whatever, but I am ok! Like I said, it is actually a relief. Of course I worry about the future. That is only natural. I worry about my mobility, and being able to care for my kids. I worry for the health of my girls. I don't want them to get this some day either!

I've seen my mom live through this disease. I know it can be done. Will it suck? Yes! Will there be pain? Yes! Will there be moments of pity for myself and asking, "why me"? I am sure there will! But I am just thankful it is not a terminal disease. MS treatments have come so far in the last 10 years. I am hopeful that I will be able to live a fairly normal and very long life!!

This is just another bump in the road for me....