Dad's Ashes

Yesterday we had a small memorial service for my dad to spread some of his ashes in the pond as he requested. I didn't realize how much I missed him until yesterday. We had the video my sister made playing, and everyone was bawling. I just miss him so much. It was also very emotional knowing part of my dad was now right where he wanted to be. In the pond that he made and loved, and spent so much time. There were 3 small paper mache leaves with his ashes in. My mom, me, and my sister all got to let one go. McKenna helped me float mine. My mom realeased hers right in front of my dad's duck blind. I know he is smiling down, as part of his remains are right where they belong.

Answering Machine

Is it wrong of me to tell my mom to change her answering machine message? It breaks my heart everytime I call and get the message saying "You've reached Ron and Colleen Maass, we can't take your call right now".

I totally get why she doesn't want to change it. I still have my mom's number programmed in my cell as "Mom and Dad". I still have my dad's cell phone number programmed in my cell. These are all things I am not ready to change yet. I think I will know when it feels right to change them. So I guess it is none of my business telling my mom to change her answering machine. I think she'll know the right time too. I guess until then, I will just hang up before getting her machine, and text her to call me instead.

More Testing

So I went to the Urologist today. He doesn't think it is my kidney stone causing me pain at all. He thinks the pain is coming from something in my bladder. Bladder spasms can cause flank pain I guess. He is also concerned about the blood in my urine.

So next week I have to have two separate tests done. A cystoscopy - which they will insert a scope through a catheder and look at my bladder. The second is called a CMG which measures the pressure in your bladder. They are on separate days, so if the first one is bad - I have time to back out of the second one :o)

I am really freaking out. Anyone that knows me well, knows I hate pain. And you also know that I will sit and reasearch the procedures, and freak out until I have them done.

I am still not convinced that the pain is not from my stone. I mean my kidney feels bruised. When I push on it, I have pain. So I don't know. I guess I should trust the specialist as he probably knows what he is doing. He put me on some medication that is suppose to help me not pee so much, and also help with back pain. So we'll see.

Kidney Stones

So I've had this nagging pain in my back for two years now. Yes, two years. It started right before I got pregnant with Macey. It was January 2009, and I was in New York for work. It started with a stabbing pain in my back, and also I was peeing a lot. So I thought I maybe had a kidney stone or a bladder infection. I went to my doctor, and he said I did not have a bladder infection. He did an x-ray of my back, as some kidney stones will show up on an x-ray. That came back clean, and I was told it was probably muscular.

I got pregnant with Macey, and complained often about the pain. I even went to the emergency room. They told me that I had a very bad UTI. They put me onto antibiotics. Through my whole pregnancy I had this nagging pain. My doctor told me it could be the baby laying on my kidney funny.

After my dad passed away, the pain reappeared. I didn't want to chance anything, epecially what I just watched my dad go through. So I made an appointment with another doctor. The first doctor I had saw moved practices. So I went through the whole history with the new doctor. She did a CBC on me. That came back clean. She also did an x-ray, which came back clean. She told me that kidney stone pain does not come and go, and it's usually exruciating pain. Again she said the pain was muscular.

By this time I am starting to feel a little crazy. Because when the pain comes, it is quite debilitating. The weekend of Jason's birthday, that Sunday I thought I had the stomach flu. Lots of nausea, light headed, tired, but the stabbing pain was back. So on Monday I decided to make an appointment at my OBGYN's office. They got me in on the Friday. I explained to her the mystery pain. She ordered an ultrasound the following Thursday. They did say however that my white blood count was high, and I had a UTI. SO I have been on an anti-biotic since then.

Last night the pain got really intense, and I started to have blood in my urine. I decided to go into the emergency room. As I was sitting in the emergency room, the pain subsided again, making me think I was crazy. They said my urine was clean and I did not have a UTI. She suggested we do a CT scan. She came back in the room and said I had a 3mm kidney stone, high up in my right kidney (right where the pain has been all along). She said since it was not acutally passing, there was not much she could do except for give me medicine for the pain.

I called the doctor who I saw last Friday, and she suggested I go to an Urologist. So I have an appointment tomorrow morning. I hope that after almost two years of going through this, they can give me some explanations and hopefully fix me somehow.

For you Dad....

You were there the day I was born,
and every birthday there after.
You gave me a lot of fatherly advice,
and provided lots of laughter.

You listened, talked, played, and read,
and aways found some time for me.
You taught me and led by example,
and made me be the best I could be.

Now your gone...
and I miss you so much.
Your voice, your smile,
your laughter, your touch.

I miss hearing your jokes,
and calling you on the phone.
I miss calling you daddy,
even though I am all grown.

I was lucky you were in my life,
that you are a dad worth missing.
A dad I can say I was proud to have,
a lifetime of fond reminiscing.

I've dreaded this day for months,
and since the day that you died.
The first Father's Day
where you wouldn't be by my side.

No phone call today,
no card or present to give.
All that is left of you,
are the memories to relive.

Remembering all the years,
and the Father's Days passed
and you telling us
how kids grow too fast

I miss you today dad,
and I will always and forever,
but I carry you with me
in my every endeavour.

Hard Week

This week has been hard on so many different levels. There are two things that are really weighing heavy on my heart right now. I can't write about one, as I feel like I would be divulging things that someone doesn't want divulged yet.

The thing that is weighing on my heart and mind the most, is that Sunday is Father's Day. I have tried to approach it like it is no big deal, that it is just like any other day. I will just try to make it extra special for Jason and my kids. But the fact of the matter is, I am really, really sad. This is the first Father's Day that I don't have a dad. No dad to call and say "Happy Father's Day". No dad to buy a special card for. No dad for me to buy a gift for. And I find that all of the Father's day sales, commercials, etc. are just a slap in the face, and make it hurt all the more. It's a constant reminder that my dad isn't here, and for the first time in my life, I am not celebrating Father's day with him.

I find myself bawling as I write this, something that doesn't happen very often. My crying spells are more infrequent now, but when they happen, it seems like they last longer.

Happy Birthday Jason

On Saturday it was Jason's 32nd birthday. It was also the 12th anniversary of our first date together. We had a low key day, and had my family over for some steaks and birthday cake. McKenna insisted that we all wear party hats for the occasion. She even picked out the sponge bob hats herself at the store.



McKenna thought it was great being able to celebrate her daddy's birthday. She loved singing to him...and of course wearing her party hat and eating birthday cake.

Down Syndrome

The groom of the wedding we were at this weekend has a sister with down syndrome. I have to admit at one point during the night I lost it a little bit and cried as I watched her on the dance floor. I can't explain it, because I always knew in my heart how special people with down syndrome are, but it hit me full force Saturday night. Even Jason made several comments that let me know he was thinking of Nevaeh.

I've come to realize that we are actually the impared people. I think people with down syndrome have a totally different and unique perspective on life that we could all benefit from. I think we are the ones that are sheltered. And that's what hurts so much. It hurts because I regret all the bad thoughts I had when hearing Nevaeh's diagnosis. I am very ashamed. Ashamed that it took me so long to really realize all of this. I wish I could go back four years and have a totally different perspective. I know that Nevaeh has changed me as a person. She has made me more open, accepting, and understanding. I just wish she could be here right now, as I know she would provide me a life full of lessons, laughs, tears, and revelations.

My Grumpy Flowergirl

This picture pretty much says it all. This picture set the moood for our entire day. McKenna was stubborn and tired, and I ended up carrying her down the aisle!

When the music started - she had a ball!



And this is a funny picture...we can never get a decent family shot with two small girls.

Wedding

This weekend McKenna gets to be a flower girl in Jason's cousin's wedding. It is very nerve wrecking, and I am hoping for the best outcome possible! My little girl is just so stubborn, I have a hard time coercing her or bribing her to do anything if she doesn't want to do it.

In preparation for the wedding, I have been playing our wedding video to McKenna to show her Taylor all dressed up and walking as a pretty flower girl. It was really hard watching the video. I haven't watched it probably in two years - but it was really hard seeing my dad. But it was good too. He looked so young, vibrant, and healthy. Him giving me away on my wedding day, is one of my favorite memories of my dad. It was his kiss on my cheek that set me off bawling before walking down the aisle. It's funny, in the video, walking down the aisle out of the church, my dad did a little jig dance. That was so him. It actually made me laugh. My dad, the twinkle toes.

I miss his smile. That's the first thing I noticed on the video. I said outloud - "there's that beautiful smile I miss so much." God I miss him. Everyday. Life will never be the same without his smile, guidance, or encouragement.

I think I will not watch the father daughter dance tomorrow night. I know I can't handle that yet. That is something that I hold so close to my heart. I remember that dance so vividly in my head. We danced to Wind Beneath My Wings. At least I have the fond memories to always cherish forever. And a wonderful video with my dad smiling.

Happy Birthday Nevaeh

Today would be Nevaeh's fourth birthday. June 1st is always a hard day for me. A day filled of "what if's" and wondering what my life would be like today. I wonder what she would look like. I wonder how different our life would be. Would we still have McKenna and Macey in our life? There are so many questions - questions that I will never have answers to.

I can't believe that it was four years ago that I lost my first born daughter. In some ways it seems like yesterday. In some ways it seems like forever ago. In some ways it seems like it was all a really bad dream. It's amazing how much your life can change in a blink of an eye.

We celebrated Nevaeh's birthday yesterday by visiting her grave in the morning. Then we had cake and icecream at my mom's house. McKenna wanted to sing happy birthday, and blow out candles, so I let her. She was convinced that it was her birthday. I kept telling her it was Nevaeh's birthday, but I know it is hard for her to understand something so complicated. She only knows Macey as her sister. Someday she will understand who Nevaeh is.

I had a total meltdown last night at my mom's house. I think it was the overwhelming feeling of my dad not being there, intensified with Nevaeh's death. I bawled all day, and snapped at my mom. I feel awful about that. Then when I just got myself calmed down - I found my dad's glasses on his work bench. I just lost it all over again. It's weird how something as simple as reading glasses take on a new meaning when you lose someone. It sounds strange, but I crave touching things my dad has touched. It makes me feel like a part of him is still here.