Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I am sure my dad is smiling down from heaven as the Packers move onto the superbowl!!

I am not sure what it is, probably the time of year, but I really miss my dad. I find myself saying it outloud. "I miss my dad right now." I think how I have dealt with my dad's death all of this time, is I really don't let myself feel. Everytime I start to feel that ache in my heart, I just shut it off. I know it is probably not healthy, but it is the best coping mechanism that I have at this point. I think it's how I deal with a majority of things in my life. It's easier to let yourself not feel I guess.

Two important days are coming up. My dad's birthday on February 16th, and a year since he died, February 21st. That is going to be a hard day. My mom and sister and I all plan on taking off. We'll probably watch the video my sister put together of him. I don't want too. It's too painful. Again, I would rather just shut my feelings off than have to deal with them. But I know it is an important day, and a day that should be spent remembering my dad. It just sucks. I don't want to have to remember him. I want him here right now. Everytime I see my girls, I get sad knowing how much my dad would love the stages they are in. He was such a great papa. And such a great dad. And there is this gaping hole in my heart that can never be repaired. And sometimes, as much as I try, the pain can't be shut off or ignored.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Go Packers

I can't help but wonder if my dad is really smiling down from Heaven this football season. We loved both the Wisconsin Badgers and the Packers. In fact, that is why I am such a huge Packers fan. I have so many fond memories of watching the Packers every Sunday with him. He would have loved watching the Badgers and Packers this year!!!

One of my dad's Packer sweatshirts has become my "lucky" sweatshirt. I wore it when I went to the game against the Giants. We did so well, that if became the lucky shirt - and it has been working ever since. You better believe I am going to be wearing that baby this weekend when we play the bears.

I hope we dad would have wanted it that way!!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I am so worried about my mom lately. Her finances and her job really concern me. She is absolutely miserable at her job. And I don't blame her. Even through my dad's death, her boss and company was horrible to her. They would make her feel guilty for not coming into work when my dad was on his deathbed. It's just crazy to me that an employer can treat their employees so bad.

She feels like she is trapped there. She is 57 and feels like a lot of companies don't want her anymore. And if she does find a job..they can't pay her what she makes now, and she can't afford any kind of pay cut whatsoever right now. She is already living paycheck to paycheck.

I feel so helpless. The kind of person that I am, I take on other people's problems like there are my own. I can't stop thinking and worrying about her. I keep praying to god, and to my dad, that something comes along to get her out of her job and into something better. I even wanted to win the lottery - just so I could pay off her house, and give her money to retire. I feel so lost not being able to help her. In a way I feel like I am not keeping my word to my dad that I would take care of her. I wish there was something I could do.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Had some wonderful dreams of my dad this past weekend. They were wonderful because he was his old healthy self. I can't really recall what the dream was even about - but I know some of it was just the good ole days of camping as a family. I love these kinds of dreams. Anything where I get to "see" my dad again is a wonderful thing. After I dream about him, it sticks with me all day. I feel renewed in my faith that I will see him again someday!

Friday, January 7, 2011

I hate going a week without posting on this blog, but I don't really have anything worth saying lately!! The time of year is was about this time last year my dad quit his treatments. We thought we would have more time with him though...