Tuesday, April 27, 2010

So much learned

My dad taught me so much in the last few months of his life. He made me realize that the most important things in life are family, love, and laughter. That is all we need. Even when my dad was dying, he felt like he was the luckiest man alive because he was surronded by these three things. He has taught me so much. Because of him, I strive to be a better person. Because of him, I want to help people. I have definetly been thinking of becoming a hospice volunteer. I so desperately want to help other people that are in the situation I was in. I know it will be hard and will bring back some painful memories, but I think it will heal my soul to be able to help people.

Monday, April 26, 2010


I had my mom over for dinner last night. It felt strangely normal for once having her come alone. I didn't even expect my dad to follow her through the door for once. My mom brought a jacket of my dad's for Jason - but it was too small. I told my mom I wanted it. I would wear it. I just sat there and smelled the jacket. I almost don't want to wear it because I don't want it to lose the scent of my dad.

The coat is hanging in our front coat closet, but oddly enough I kept smelling my dad in my closet in the bedroom this morning. I would walk in and instantly smell him. His smell is almost intoxicating to me. I just inhale as deeply as I can.

My dad would have loved the awesome lasagna and the vanilla cheescake I made yesterday. I guess in some strange way, I made it for him, but fed it to my mom. I have so many wierd associations that remind me of my dad and his last months alive. One example is the lasagna thing. He hated lasagna his whole life! Then when he started his chemo, his tastes changes so much, and all he wanted was lasagna or noodles with some kind of tomatoe sauce.

Or big juicy burgers. He made me fry him up burgers sometimes when I took care of him on my Wednesdays. He would also make me sit and watch "Big Cat Diaries" with him. There are so many of these little things that instantly bring me back to the emotions of watching my dad die. I try to avoid a lot of these things.

But being able to make lasagna for my mom, and not expecting my dad to be there, maybe it means I am on the road to healing my heart? Or maybe it means I am just coping a little better? Who knows - but the good days are so far inbetween the bad, I will enjoy the good ones for now.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Banging

So my mom has been having something really weird happen to her. We bought some paper mache pods and put some of my dad's ashes in them. Eventually this summer, we will put the pods in the pond so my dad's ashed are spread there.

My mom had the pods in her dresser drawer in her bedroom. Everynight at about 2 a.m. there would be three loud bangs that came from the dresser. She said it didn't scare her, just annoyed her because it woke her up. She searched high and low, but found no culprit for the noise.

So Monday night she moved the pods to the living room, and that night there was no banging noise that woke her up. Last night she put them on top of the dresser, and there was only one bang this time - the other times there were 3 bangs - but still a bang nonetheless. This time too the bang came from over by the dresser.

Is it my dad? Weird!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Macey talking up a storm

two months

thinking of you lots and missing you today Dad on this two month mark of you passing.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hard Time

I've been having a really hard time the last couple of days. Not sure why it has been so hard. I woke up Saturday crying. I cried Saturday afternoon. I cried yesterday. I cried on my way into work this morning. I don't know why it is getting harder instead of easier. I wish some of this pain would go away.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again.
I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before too.
I thought of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is.... a keepsake, from which I'll never.... part.
God has you in his arms.
I have you in my heart.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Life goes on. Or so I am trying to make it go on. I know I have said this over and over, but I still cannot believe it has been less than two months since my dad passed. It seems so much longer than that. Every time I think that he hasn't given me a sign for awhile, I see one. Last night I really got thinking about how he hasn't sent me a sign for awhile, and I got pretty sad. This morning on my drive into work, I saw a rainbow circle around the sun. And I instantly knew it was him. I keep remembering his words of "I'll always be with you" and it gives me a little piece.

Life goes on, and my kids are getting so big. Macey is almost six months old already. I truly believe God sent her to us at the most crucial time ever. Every thing happens for a reason, and I believe God was showing us that there is also life and not just death; that life must go on.

McKenna is getting so big too. Every day that girl amazes me with how smart she is. Yesterday while I was putting her in the bath she informed me that it was Tuesday. She now knows the days of the week, the months of the year, her abc's, her color and shapes,and she can count to 15. I know she knows way more than I did at that age. As much as I hate writing that check to daycare every week, I like that they teach her so much.

Next month Jason and I will be married for five years and together for 12. Where does the time go? We are going to Door County for 4 days to get away. I am really looking forward to alone time with him, and not having to scream over the kids to have a conversation. I probably love him more now then I did five years ago. I think we have been through more as a couple than most people our age. And I know that will forever bond us together. I have no doubt in my mind that 40 years from now we will still be together, and completly in love.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Dad, I am missing you lots this morning. Saw your picture and I instantly started crying. Sometimes it is way easier to push you into the back of my mind and not think about you, then to have to face the hurt and grief.I know that God took you so soon from us, because you were so great. I know us grieving and hurting is all part of God's master plan somehow. I remind myself of that everytime I feel cheated that you are gone. I also try to remind myself how lucky I am to have had a great father worth crying over. I was so blesed to have you in my life for 29 years. If you have any pull with the big guy upstairs, please tell him to take the hurt away just a little bit for us. It's hard to believe that at this time last year, you were still here, and we thought you were going to be fine. It's crazy how fast your life can instantly change.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Happy Easter everyone. I am thinking a lot about my dad this morning. I am remembering Easters when I was young. We made my mom and dad hide our Easter baskets and our Easter eggs through high school. We always had so much fun. My dad always hid the eggs in the most creative, funny spots. Every year there was always one egg that we wouldn't find until weeks later! My dad would then cook a faboulous Easter breakfast.

I am missing my dad more and more everyday. I still can't believe he is gone. When will it sink in?