Friday, January 29, 2010

Just a quick update. I am doing a little better this week, as I move forward with the realization that my dad will die soon. I started to see a grief counselor, and that has really helped. He made me realize I always feel like the "caretaker" and that I should not worry or stress about things out of my control. I should separate my grief from my worry and stress. It was great to have someone there specifically to listen to me. I didn't have to worry about making him feel bad, or worry about what he thought of me. I could show weakness instead of trying to be strong.

My dad is doing well mentally. He continues to amaze me. He is just an amazing, outstanding man. He has been telling people that "he is not going to be in this world much longer." And he says it with a smile. It's really unbelivable. I think he truly has found a peace with going to heaven to be with Nevaeh, his brother Jerry, and good friends Kenny, Lynn, and Cindy.

We are having Macey baptized this weekend, and I am really looking forward to it. We are also planning my dad a surprise birthday party. And the "surprise" we are planning for my mom and dad is really coming along. I am glad I have some postive things to focus on.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My mom and dad went to the doctor today. The surgeon agrees that palliative care and Hospice is the right choice. My mom said that he was so great. He offered condolences and every other thing that he could say in this situation. He upped Dad's Fetynal patch to 100 mg instead of 75. He said just to call if we need anything again. They will be discussing the Hospice tomorrow with his Onocologist. The doctor could tell that my dad's tumor has grown more. My dad has had a peace come over him about God calling him home. I have found some peace, but I still can't believe the end is so near. My heart is hurting so much.
I called my parent's house last night and my dad answered the phone. He sounds great and in good spirits. Then it hit me how much I am going to miss his voice and his jokes he makes over the phone. Everytime I call and I say "what are you doing", he'll say "talking to you." I am going to miss him so much.

My mom is bringing my dad to his final onocologist appointment tomorrow. She is going to set up Hospice for my dad. God, I hate that word. Hospice is a word that I have been dreading for almost a year.

We've decided to baptize Macey. My Pastor has graciously agreed to baptize her at my parent's house so my dad can be part of it. Jason's parents are down south for the Winter, so I wanted their blessing before doing it. I wish everyone could be there. They did give their blessing, and I am so thankful that my dad will be able to be part of one more milestone in my kid's life.

I think my sister and my mom and me are all a mess emotionally. I know I am. I just feel like crying all the time. Lately I cannot sleep, because when I close my eyes, all I think about is my dad and the weeks or months ahead.

Friday, January 22, 2010

This week has been very hard. I find myself just bursting into tears at random time. I feel like I can hardly hold it together anymore. I can't think, concentrate, eat, or barely hold a conversation. I just feel ill to my stomach all the time and feel like my mind is all scattered.

My dad is coming to peace with dying. For the first time through this whole ordeal he is actually crying and talking about death. He is starting to handle the things he can control, like his funeral and final resting place. He wants to be buried in the Town of Maine cemetary which is close to my mom and dad's house. He said that way he can still be close and "look over his girls." That is totally my dad - even when he is dying, he is trying to make sure we are all okay.

My heart is breaking because there is no amount of time left that I could possibly tell my dad all the things I want to tell him. I am so sad because my girls will never know how wonderful their papa really is. Of course I will tell them all about him, and they WILL know how great he is, but I am sad that they will never truly remember his smile personally. His smile that lights up every laugh line and wrinkle in his face. A smile that is instantly infectious and can light up a room.

I feel bad for my girls because I feel like I am neglecting them sometimes. Sometimes I am so consumed by my grief, that I can't even put a smile on my face for them. Tonight McKenna gave me a hug as I was sobbing and patted my back and said "It's okay momma. Momma sad?" I feel bad that she has to see me like this.

Jason is a man of few words. I know he doesn't say much because he doesn't know how to fix it. But sometimes I wish he would find some words to comfort me. Or just hold me without me having to ask. He is wonderful with the girls, and takes them for me when I have too much to handle - but we just never get time to talk alone without being interrupted by screaming kids.

As I am typing this - both kids are having major meltdowns. But this blog is my therapy, and right now I am just tuning them out and letting Jason deal with it - although my concentration has just been broken, so I am ending it like this for tonight.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I just got back from spending the day with my dad. What a hard day. There were a lot of tears and conversations that needed to be had.

I asked my dad if he was scared, and he said of course he was. I told him that I know there is a heaven, and the reason I know that is because my little girl is up there. And she is waiting for her papa with open arms.

He said he is worried about my mom the most. I promised him that she will be in good hands. I promised I would take care of her and be there for her. He said he is worried that my mom will have to sell the land and the house. I promised him that we would not let that happen. He said that made him feel better. Unfortunately, I don't know if it is a promise I can keep. I hope that it is....

I asked my dad if he was proud of me. He said me and my sister were the sunshine of his life. I told him that I was very grateful that god gave him to me as a dad.

I asked him what he was going to do with Chemo, and he said he doesn't know. I told him that we would support him with whatever he decides - but he doesn't have to do it for us. He can give up at any time.

It was a very emotional day, but I am glad it happened. I got to tell him all the things I wanted him to know. My heart is very heavy right now....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My dad met with his Onocologist today. He does not want my dad to continue with treatment - but my dad really wants too. They are going to give my dad two more weeks to heal and think about it. If my dad decides to continue with treatment, they are going to try him on Avastin.

My dad asked him how long he would have left if he didn't continue treatment, and the doctor told him a couple of months. But he said he could only have that long with treatment too - he can only guess. I can't imagine how that must have felt for my dad to hear that. I know personally that hearing it in the hospital numbed the blow a little this time around, but I am still devestated. I literally feel sick to my stomach.

This past year I refused to say "why us" or "it's not fair". But today I find myself saying that. I am so angry at God right now. And it really hurts me to say that - as I have really been drawing deep down into my faith lately. And my pastor says it is okay to be mad at God and say bad things to him - that he forgives us. Tonight I just had it out with God. I know I have asked him for a lot of miracles in the past five years, and he delivered two to me - McKenna and Macey. But a lot of times I feel cheated loosing Nevaeh, and now with my dad. I'm just so angry. Why does bad stuff happen to good people? I know when God calls me home - I will know the answer. But for now I just need to be a little mad at him. I know that is okay.

I just don't know what I would do in my dad's situation. Do you go for quality or quantity? I don't know. And every choice he does make - we'll never know the outcome of the other descision.

Cancer is such a furious beast. You can now see the tumor just by looking at my dad's stomach. It's like an alien taking over his body. I just wish, pray, hope, beg for a miracle. My heart is just hurting so bad tonight.

I do get to spend the day with dad tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, but it is also going to be very hard. I want to have so many heart to heart conversations with him but I don't want him to think I am giving up on him yet. I just love him so much. I have been truly blessed to have him as my dad for the last 29 years.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Nothing really new to update on - which is very nice for a change. My dad is starting to feel better everyday. Tomorrow he meets with the Onocologist to determine the next step of treatment. We want him to try a new chemo that was just approved in March of 2009 called Affinitor. Please pray that this will buy us more time with this wonderful man.

My grandpa is in the hospital. He has been in a lot of pain lately and fell out of his wheelchair last night. We think he may have to go into a nursing home now. He honestly justs wants to go home to god. I have been praying lately that god calls him home soon. I hope that isn't horrible to pray for, but he just wants to be pain free.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sorry I have not posted an update lately. It has been very hard juggling two kids, a full time job, and trying to be there as much as possible for my mom and dad.

Last night my mom took my dad into the ER again. They thought he maybe had a blood clot in his leg, as his foot was all swollen. They really didn't do much for him - not even an ultrasound to look for a blood clot. They said they didn't think it was and sent him home. Sometimes it is so frustrating dealing with doctors. I know they feel that my dad is getting to a point where there is not a lot they can do for him, but he deserves the dignity of care that he deserves. He has made his decision to fight, and until he decides otherwise, they should not treat him like he is termnial.

My mom had to convince my dad for a couple hours to go to the ER. He didn't want to be admitted again. It is so hard, because we know that there will probably be many more ER trips and hospital stays if he continues to fight this.

Sometimes this whole situation is so overwhelming to me, that I wish I could live in a bubble of denial for a few days. But I know my mom and dad both really need me right now, so I cannot do that.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

My dad is feeling pretty good today. Dr. Cheng the surgeon more or less said that there is nothing that they can do for him surgically. He said that it is now in the Onocologist's hands as far as treatment. My mom asked him about how the treatment could cause the colon to blow or cause the wounds not to heal, and he said the colon is already blown and he feels it is under control with the drains, and that as far as the wounds, he did not seem to think that chemo would play an issue with those.

So he was very optimistic about the treatment thing. My dad's onocologist has not been in today yet. They are going to remove my dad's catheter to see if he can pee now. If not then he will most likely go home with it in. They said another day or two yet before he can go home.

So in summary I guess you know what my dad's decision will be. He is already talking about discussing trying a new chemo that my mom and I read about with his onoclogist. He is going to go on fighting. He said he is not going to throw in the towel yet. I am very proud of him.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Today I am up at the hospital with Macey. I thought it may cheer my dad up a bit to see her. We are all doing a little better today dealing with the news from yesterday. I still want the opportunity to talk to my dad alone. I feel like I really need that.

An old man approached me in the hospital as I was making Macey a bottle. He asked if I would bring her to his wife's room because she loves babies and it would really cheer her up. It was a little awkward, but I know being on the cancer floor, anything you can do to cheer the patients up is a plus. I stopped in her room and she was holding Macey smiling at her. She said today she would be going to a nursing home. She said she only has six months to live. I was glad that I was able to give her a few moments of happiness and joy. It makes me feel good. It just makes me believe even more that Macey was born when she was for a reason. She gives me something to focus on, and she makes not only me, but other people happy. For a brief moment she can make people forget about Cancer and sadness.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Devastating News

We were told today that there is not much more they can do for my dad. They cannot do surgery on his colon, as it is too risky and they feel he would not make it off the surgery table. They feel that they colon is leaking where they repaired it last time. They feel the Sutent (his chemo pill) is the main cause of why that is happening.

They told my dad he has 2 options. He can continue Chemo which is very risky because of the open wounds he has, or he can quit treament at this point and go home with Hospice. The cancer has also grown and spread.

We are devestated because until you hear those words - there is always a glimmer of hope for a miracle. I won't allow myself to be mad at God, which is how I would have handled this is the past. Instead I have faith that this is happening for a reason. They will be something good that comes out of this - as crazy as it seems right now. There will be one life lesson learned, or someone else's life impacted by one of us because of this experience.

I am so sad. My heart literally hurts. I literally feel nauseous. I was just so hopeful up until now....

My dad has said he is not ready to give up. He wants to be around longer. So I don't know if he is deciding to continue treatments. But whatever he decides, I will back him up 100%.

Monday, January 4, 2010

We still do not know anything. They feel the surgery would be very risky. They want to get a better look at the perforation to decide if it needs to be repaired. We may not know anything until late tonight or early tomorrow.


We are not sure if my dad will need surgery today or not. He is going through further testing. We are a little confused at the moment....I'll update when I know more.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Another long date at the ER

Today was another very long, very emotionally exhausting, very sad day. I went to church, and had two melt downs in church. I was suppose to go visit my mom and dad, but my mom called to say they were going to the ER. My dad's drain was draining every where, and my dad couldn't pee. I guess he was up every 5 minutes last night.

When my mom tried loading him into the car, my dad's whole left side went numb. Thank god my uncle was there to help my mom load him into the car. I met my mom in the ER, and my dad just looked miserable.

They put a cath in him, and he had 1400 cc's in him that came out. I guess that is a lot. They did an MRI to make sure the cancer did not spread to his brain, or that he had a stroke. The MRI came back good. They said he could be having mini strokes that are not showing up. They said the abcess could be getting so big that it is blocking his urine flow. He just really needs to have his perforated colon fixed as soon as possible. Both him and my mom are very sad to be back in the hospital, but we know it is the best place for him to be.

My pastor came up to the hospital by me and my mom. It was very good to have him there. He is very comforting. When I hugged him in church I told him I just don't know what to pray for anymore. Do I pray for a miracle? Do I pray for more time? Do I pray for him not to suffer anymore? He said we still need to ask god to heal him. So that is what I will continue to do.

My dad still has fight and hope in him. I can see it in his face and his attitude. He is not giving up, so I will not give up on him. I will pray, and pray, and pray. That is all that I can do at this point. I have had to dig deep into my faith in god. I really enjoyed church today, and have made it my resolution in 2010 to strengthen my relationship with god.