Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I just read my dad's obituary again. Not sure why. I came across it in my documents. Although I wrote it, I felt like I was reading it for the first time again. I was so numb when I wrote it, I forgot what it all said.

Although an obituary sums up a person's life - there is no amount of white space in the world that could hold the amazing qualities that my dad possesed. The qualities that made him so unique and loved by so many people.

Just because I think it's important to really remember who he was, I am reposting his obituary.

Ronald Maass, 61, passed away on Sunday evening, February 21, 2010, with his loving family by his side as God called him home after a brave and courageous battle with kidney Cancer. Ronald was born February 16, 1949, in Seymour. He graduated from Seymour High School in 1967.

The most important part of his life was his wife Colleen. They were married on May 22,1976; they resided in Seymour until 1999, when they moved onto their dream property in Black Creek. Ron was a true romantic — always surprising Colleen with gifts and flowers. The overwhelming impression they gave to everyone who knew them was that of an abiding love, respect, friendship and a true partnership.

He welcomed two daughters, Mandy in 1977 and Nikki in 1980 — who were the sunshine of his life. And so his journey of fatherhood began, with all its joys, fears, disappointments, and triumphs. Ron was an amazing father. He was always there for his kids and had a knack for making them smile when going through the trials and tribulations of life. Eleven years ago he became a grandpa for the first time and he was thankful he was able to develop a relationship with Taylor, Trenton, and McKenna. He was the best Papa and always had the time to fish, play, or read to his grandchildren. He cherished every minute he spent recently with his newest granddaughter Macey.

Ron was a true outdoor enthusiast and was happiest with a fishing pole or rifle in his hand and his trusty Golden Lab, Chloe by his side. He loved to deer hunt, turkey hunt, and specially goose and duck hunt. He was gifted in woodworking, taxidermy and gardening. Ron found pleasure, peace and joy in nature's beauty. He liked to walk or four wheel around his land, watch the birds from his patio, or sit on the pier of his pond. He was always up for a good campfire and a Diet Mountain Dew with a shot of attitude with his family and friends.

His infectious smile, distinctive laugh, and sense of humor could instantly make anyone feel better. Even during his roughest days of fighting Cancer, he still had a knack for cracking jokes and lighting up the room with his smile. And while the disease may have taken him, it never beat him. He was an amazing man, with amazing talent and a shining, irrepressible spirit. And though he's gone, he'll always keep shining.

Ron is welcomed in heaven by his brother, Jerry Maass; granddaughter, Nevaeh Onesti; sister-in-law, Mary; and close friends, Kenny, Cindy, and Lynn.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Christmas Tree Time

Jason and McKenna cutting down our tree:

First Ornament being put on by McKenna:

McKenna putting on the star:

Thanksgiving Past

Well I made it through Thanksgiving. I only got a little teary eyed once. For some reason I have so much Christmas spirit this year. I have almost all of my shopping done, all of my Christmas cards addressed, and my tree and decorations up.

I know having a three year old on Christmas this year is going to be magical. This is the first year she really gets it. It is so much fun. Santa had lots of fun shopping for her, and went way overboard!!

I've already decided that Christmas is going to be a great day. No tears. Just memories, smiles, and lots of thoughts about my dad. He would want us to enjoy the day. Especially for the kid's sakes. Even though we will be wearing smiles, I know that my dad will know how sad our hearts really are that he is not there.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I went to little Devin's wake last night. It was very hard seeing him lie in that casket. And what do you say to the parents? There is nothing you can say except your sorry for thier loss.

I have been grappling since last Thursday on why God would take this little boy. I've come to the realization that we'll never know why. Only God knows why. We just need to trust in God and understand he loves us, and doesn't do this to us to hurt us.

Devin's organs were donated to four special children. And maybe that was his purpose in this life. To be a hero and save four other children's lives. It is sad he had to die, in order for other children to live.

Macey got sent home from daycare last night with a fever and rash. I panicked and freaked out. After rushing her to the doctor, the reassured me that she would be ok -and put her on antibiotics for an ear infection. But seriously, could there be a worse time for one of my kids to get sick? I am going to be a wreck and a freak for a long time. Unfortunately any little fever is going to warrant a doctor's visit in my book.

My heart just feels so heavy. I know a lot of it is the sudden death of Devin. I know a lot of it is the time of year. My dad loved this time of year. Loved deer hunting. Last year at this time we were preparing for what we all figured would be our last Thanksgiving together. It doesn't seem right that my dad will not be at another Thanksgiving dinner. God, does this ever get easier?? I am waiting for the day that I am not constantly saddened by missing my dad.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Devastating Loss

A little boy that goes to my girl's daycare passed away yesterday from meningitis. This has shook me to the core. I have been bawling since last night when I found out. I am devestated for the family. One day your child is healthy, and the nexy he is gone. Why does this stuff happen? I wish I knew the reason.

This has brought back so many emotions of me losing Nevaeh. I know what the family is going through, but even I can't imagine losing a four year old. Nevaeh was only 6 weeks old. Yes it was devastating, but I can't fathom losing McKenna or Macey now. I literally would die.

I think because I lost a child, I am even more a freak about my kids contracting the meningitis. We were assured that it would be very rare for anyone else to get it. Since it is the bacterial kind and not viral, there is no preventative antibiotics. Last night, every time one of the girs moaned or made any noise in their sleep, I was right on top of them. I am a wreck. Yes it would be rare, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. Something like this really opens your eyes. Now every stomach bug or headache, I am going to be in panic mode.

I haven't told McKenna yet about her little friend. I don't think she'll understand anyways. I don't understand. I wish I could know and tell her why. But I can't. It really tests your faith going through something like this. I have a hard time putting my arms around God and faith and life when something as tragic as this happens.

Rest in peace Devin. I'll miss seeing your smiling face and bubbly personality every morning.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wow - 10,000 hits

I just noticed I've had over 10,000 hits on my blog. That is awesome! It's hard to believe that a blog I meant to have as a "pregnancy journal" has turned into so much more.

I know that a lot of people read when my dad was having surgeries for updates. I am amazed that people still read this to be honest! I think a lot of things I write are probably boring to most people.

Writing on this blog is the one true place that I can express all of my feelings. And I am thankful that you all continue to read and share my journey!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Death in general

I hate death. I know death is a part of life, but I hate it. I hate the fact that it can be unexpected. I hate the fact that in a blink of an eye your whole world can change. I hate the fact that at some point we are all going to die...but we can't control it and we don't know when or how.

Maybe it's because I've experienced a lot of death in my life the past five years. My daughter passed away in my arms. I saw my dad take his last breaths. I've lost several family memebers and friends. But death totally freaks me out.

I think I probably think about death more than the average person. I read the obituaries every day. I worry every day that something is going to happen to Jason or my kids...or me. I am not afraid to die...I know that there is a life for me after death, but I am afraid to die for my kid's sakes. I want to be here for them. And I want their dad to be here for them. I am scared everyday that someone I know is going to be ripped away from me. I know this is not healthy. I know we can't control it, so why worry? But I really can't help it. I think it's because I've experienced two close people being ripped away from me in an instant. I don't want to experience that despair again.

Jason thinks I'm crazy, over bearing and overprotective when I beg him to call me when he gets to work. Or how I freak out when he gets home 10 minutes late from work. But I don't ever want to get the phone call saying he was in an accident.

I think it really all stems back to Nevaeh's death. It's when I realized that we are not invincible, and bad things happen, and people die. I just remember the helplessness feeling and the praying and begging and barganing with god. I felt like my own life was ending and the breath from the chest was being ripped from me. I wish no one on earth ever had to feel that way. Especially me or my kids or family.

Monday, November 15, 2010


My cousin's ex-husband, and the father of her seven year old son and my god-child got into a bad car accident Sunday morning. He is not doing good and may not make it. Please say an extra prayer for my cousin, her son, and both families.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Cell Phone Update

So we did get some answers regarding the cell phone call. But it is still a crazy outcome.

My sister called my dad's cell phone number and a lady named Lauren answered. My sister told her she recieved 3 calls from her phone. Lauren explained to my sister that she had a voicemail from my sisters phone...and on it there was a little girl looking for her mom. My sister told Lauren that was impossible because her kids were older. She also explained to Lauren how her number was my dad's old number, and how he passed away 8 months ago. Lauren said she had goose bumps.

I really do think it was my dad working through Lauren to send a well needed sign to my sister. I mean, what are the odds that the person who has my dad's old number would call someone he knew? I think it is too big of a coincidence.

This has been another hard week for me. Not sure why. I visited my mom this week, and it's like as soon as I walk into her house, I'm hit with the fact that my dad isn't there. An instant sadness fills my heart. I can still smell him in the house. And I can picture him sitting on his favorite recliner, or grilling on the back porch. I just miss him so much. It still hurts so bad.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Phone calls from heaven

So the craziest thing happened this past weekend. My sister recieved three phone calls from my dad's cell phone. His phone was deactivated months ago. She said when she answered no one was there, and then the number called her back twice more. Each time it came up on her cell phone as "dad mobile". It is so strange. Of course I am trying to research logical and scientific explanation for it, but do kind of like the thought of dad calling us from Heaven.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Little Ham

Had to share this fun video of Macey!