Thursday, December 31, 2009


My dad indeed does have a perforated colon again. The only good thing is that his iliostimy he has in is pumping all of it out of him already. That's why he is not as sick this time. The surgeon who did his last surgery is off until Monday. They are going to send him home today on lots of antibiotics, and then do the surgery on Monday. Both my mom and my dad are very happy that he can go home until the surgery. My dad wants to have a nice big steak tonight for New Years. Plus it will all give us time to mentally prepare for this once again.

Please pray that his surgery will go well, and that this is the last time this happens.


We need lots of prayers please!!! They think my dad may have another area of his colon that is perforated. We are hoping they are wrong. My dad is in a catscan right now. They feel the abcess was caused by a hole in his colon. They said the tumor is so close to his colon, it keeps wanting to attach. A side effect of his chemo can also cause a hole in his colon.


Wednesday, December 30, 2009


My dad is doing well! He should be able to go home tomorrow. He will still need to get IV antibiotics for the next 5 days. They'll have a home healthcare nurse come in to administer them. We are all just so thankful and so happy that my dad is feeling better, and is on the road for recovery for now.

Today is my first day back at work off of Maternity Leave. Honestly - I am happy to be back. I love my job, and love my co-workers! It is nice to get back into a routine. Plus it gives me some well needed me time and quiet time. I am really looking forward to going to the Y today to workout. I need to start to battle this mama mush!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Update on my dad

The cultures from the abcsess came back that my dad had a strep infection. They want him to stay in the hospital for a few more days so they can treat him with IV antibiotics. He is pretty dissapointed, but we keep telling him we need to make sure he is well before he goes home.

He has a drain in right now that is draining the infection. He could possibly have it in for a month. He will go back next week and have a catscan. If it looks like the thinner liquid is all drained, they will put in a bigger drain to drain out more of the gunk. I told him at least he will be evened out now - he has his iliostomy bag on one side, and his drain on the other side! My poor mom - just one more thing for her to change everyday.

My dad is eating great again! He hasn't really ate anything in a month. Yesterday when he got back from his surgery, he had a double whopper. Then last night he made my mom go to Mr. Cinders for him. He ate a steak sandwhich, onion rings, and a coke! Today he ate McDonalds. Not the healthiest choices, but we are just thrilled that he is eating and has an appetite again! This is the best he has looked and felt in a month. We figure he has had this infection for at least a month, but they thought he was feeling so horrible from the Chemo he was on.

Today he is getting an echocardiogram, and a chest x-ray as a precaution. They are also testing his urine and stools to see how far the infection spread. When he was admitted he also had a urinary tract infection.

I just hope he gets to go home on Thursday so he can celebrate New Year's Eve from the comfort of his own chair. We know that 2010 is going to be very challenging for us. Probably even more of a challenge then 2009 was. But for now we are celebrating! With Cancer you need to take it one day at a time.

Monday, December 28, 2009


My dad just got back to his room. We actually got some good news. The lump in his back was indeed an abscess. He had a ton of infection in it. He has a drain in it. This is good because we were not sure if it was his tumor, or an abscess. This is also encouraging news because maybe this is why he has been having more pain in his back lately.

We still don't know why he got the abscess, or what the next course of treatment is. But for now, we will hold onto and enjoy any bit of good news that we can.

Update on Dad

Dad will be having a procedure today at 2:00 to try to drain an abcess. We are not sure if it is really an abcess, or part of the tumor. If it is part of the tumor, it grew significantly.

Today has been really hard. We realize now that my dad is dying. We just keep praying to all of our angels above, that when it is time, please take my dad fast. I don't want him to suffer.

Last night my dad thought he died. He woke up in the hospital, and it was dark and no one was around. He started to scream. It makes me really sad and it hurts my heart to know how scared my dad is to die. Right now he is napping, and he said he feels better napping with us here, because he is not so scared of not waking up when we are here.

Overall he is doing much better. He looks and sounds 95% better then the last time I saw him. We are hoping that he will be able to go home tomorrow. His onocologist is in Israel right now for the holidays, so we will not know until next week how bad the cancer has grown.

As I type this I am watching him sleep. He looks so peacful. I keep wondering if this how it is going to be when he dies. Will he look so peacful? It's so hard to imagine, but I need to keep preparing myself for it. I feel if I do that, it won't be so hard when it happens. Although I know it will be.

I just keep trying to enjoy the time I have left with him.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Dad's in the hospital again

Yesterday we brought my dad to the emergency room, and they admitted him right away. He was still very confused. We asked him if he remembered anything from Christmas,and he said "I remember the awful dinner we had. We cut into the turkey and it exploded everywhere." We had prime rib for dinner. Then he peed blood, so we rushed him in.

When he got the the ER, he had a 102 fever. They did his lab work, and found out his blood is extremly thin. It is suppose to be at a level 2, and his was at 15. That explains the blood in his urine. So they gave him vitamin K and plasma to help start to put some clotting factors back into his blood.

They did a brain scan to make sure that he did not have any bleeding in his brain. So far that came back good, although they are going to monitor it closely because his blood is so thin.

His sodium level was also very low, which they said could also cause the confusion. The doctor is trying to figure out the source of his infection and fever now. He did an exam, and he found a lump with fluid on his back. He suspects it is an abcess. It is right by the other abcess he had last time. So today they are going to do a catscan. It is very scary and nerve wracking, because we will also get a look at the tumor to see how big it has grown.

We are all experiencing Deja Vu big time. This is exactly how his month long stay started in October. We just pray it is not that serious this time.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Hardest Christmas Ever

Yesterday was really hard. Harder then I could ever have imagined. There were a lot of tears on a day that is suppose to be so joyous and happy.

My dad was very confused and rambling and not making any sense. He was saying things that made no sense what so ever, he didn't know where he was at times, or who we were. It was very scary. My mom called the doctor, and they said maybe he was dehydrated. They told us to make him drink a lot, and he should stop the chemo pill.

We started making him take a lot of drink of gatorade. Within the next few hours, he started to come around a little more and make a little more sense. I felt really bad for my mom. It is now a 24/7 job for her to make sure my dad is being taken care of. And I felt really bad having to leave her there by herself with him. She gets so lonely, because all my dad does in sleep. She tries to make him eat and drink, and sometimes he gets so mad at her. A lot of time he throws food away and then tells my mom he ate it. I think he does it so we don't worry about him.

Yesterday was the worse Christmas ever. But I know I should still cherish it because we were all still together. My nephew was very upset. He is very close to papa, and it was really hard for him to see him that way, and not have him awake to share in all the joy of the day. I think we all realized yesterday that my dad really is dying. It gave us a glimpse into what is ahead of us. And all I can say is that place really sucks. I wouldn't ever wish this onto anyone.

I've been trying to figure out the past 6 months, if it is more of a blessing or a curse knowing ahead of time that your loved one is going to die soon. I don't know. I still haven't figured out what is best. In some ways it makes me cherish the time I have with him, and I am more prepared for when it does happen. But on the other hand, every event or time I see him is over shadowed by the inevitable.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Remembering Christmases Past

Today is Christmas Eve. Last night I had a bit of a breakdown when I came to the realization that this may be our last Christmas with my dad. I can't imagine ever celebrating another family event without him being there.

I have been thinking about all of the Christmases I celebrated. I remember the anticipation and excitement of Christmas Eve as a little girl! We would go to candlight service at church. The whole time all I could think about was getting to Grandma and Grandpa's house afterward so we could open presents. When we got home we would leave out cookies and a beer for Santa (my dad's idea of course)!

I remember waking up in my bed and wondering what time it was, and if it was late enough that I could wake my parents up to see what Santa brought us. My parents would walk down the steps rubbing the sleep from their eyes. I always wondered how they could be tired on a day like that! It's Christmas, how could anyone want to sleep in on Christmas?

We would open presents, and we usually got what we had asked for. I remember one year getting a Nintendo, and thinking that no other Christmas would ever top that year. Looking back, it's amazing knowing that my parents were the ones who provided us all those wonderful presents all those years. They always made Christmas special.

After presents, my dad would always make a faboulous breakfast. Eggs, bacon,toast, sausage, as we assembled and played with all the goodies Santa brought us. Long after I moved out, there were weekends I would stay at my parents house, just so I could have dad cook me breakfast in the morning. It is one of my fondest memories of him!

Even though this may be our last Christmas with my dad, I know that his legacy and traditions will live on through all of us. I hope to see the same excitement and wonder in my children's eyes on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I will have Jason eat the cookies and drink the beer that we leave for Santa. We will make our kids a faboulous breakfast. And I will always dig deep inside me to remember the wonderful Christmases my mom and dad made for me as a child.

Merry Christmas everyone! May it be filled with wonder and magic!

Monday, December 21, 2009


My grandma Maass is in the hospital. She has been have a lot of issues lately with her diabetes and her blood sugar crashing. It happend this weekend again, and at one point her blood sugar was down to 36. They are running tests on her pancreas at the moment to see why her blood sugar is so goofy. I know it is adding a tremendous amount of stress to a lot of my family at this already stressful time of year. They are going to try to get grandma and grandpa into an assisted living facility, which I think is the best thing for both of them.

McKenna being goofy

Friday, December 18, 2009

Ear Tubes

McKenna had surgery to put tubes in her ears this morning. It went wonderful, she was so brave. It took a little coaxing and creativity to get her to let them take her blood pressure and put the oximeter on her finger. Then we had to wait a half an hour for the surgeon to arrive. Thank god there was a television in our room, and Dora the Explorer was on.

When it was time for them to take her to surgery, I carried her, and when we got to the OR, the nurse took her from me. McKenna was fine, no crying at all. They said in the OR she did very good, and didn't cry or fight with them to put the mask on at all.

When she woke up in the recovery room, she was pretty upset. They said the anasthesia can make them emotional. She kept asking for Dora, which I think is pretty funny. She is obviously obsessed with Dora!

They brought us to the room, and Dora was on, so her world was all good again. They said she would be a little drowsy the rest of the day, and so far she is not. She is full of energy and her normal self!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Macey began smiling and cooing this week when she sees me. It is so much fun!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Santa Claus

Here is a cute picture of Macey and Santa. McKenna didn't like Santa, and wouldn't get within 10 feet of him! She has declared all week "I don't like Santa". I tell her that is okay, Santa likes you and will still bring you presents.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Maternity Leave

Well I have less then a month of leave left. It makes me sad because the first 3 weeks after I had Macey I had postpartum depression so bad, I couldn't enjoy her and the excitment of having a new baby. I just cried all the time and was so overwhelmed. Poor Jason, I think he thought that I was loosing it!

I got put on Zoloft, and what a big difference. It is like a curtain has been lifted, and I can enjoy my family again. I feel like I am only really getting to know Macey right now. Postpartum depression really stinks. It makes you feel extremly guilty, because you know you should be happy about this new healthy baby, but you just can't be. And that makes you feel even worse!

I am so HAPPY to have Macey and McKenna in my life!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Today I am sad. Me and my mom had a very difficult conversation this morning about my dad and what will happen after he passes away. It is very hard to have to think of all of the things you need to think about. But we also have to be very realistic. My heart just breaks for my mom when I think of everything she faces when the time does come. I don't know if she'll be able to keep the house and land, and that makes me the most sad. That was my dad's dream property, and his pride and joy. It hurts me to think that she may have to sell it.

My dad did gain 2 pounds yesterday, but he has been taking more morphine lately, which means he is in more pain, which usually means the tumors are growing. I just pray and pray each and every day for a miracle, but I know deep down it is probably not going to happen. I need to start to prepare myself for the worse.