Friday, November 4, 2011

I know it's been way too long since I have update my blog! My life is just plain crazy busy! Between the girls, school, work, Nevaeh's Rainbow project, and everything in between, I have been swamped!!!

I am on my second month of Copaxone now. I wish I could say it was going good, or that it was helping, but sadly so far it is not. I have read that it can take 6-9 months to start working. My eye is still funky. I've also been having some other crazy and very annoying symptoms. For instance today my foot went completly numb. It still is. Feels like it is asleep and really heavy. It makes me almost walk with a limp. I also have this crazy painful nerve thing going on with my pinky finger on my left hand. And of course I still have the ever annoying muscle spasms and twitches. And the pure exhaustion and fatigue.

I've really been trying to keep my chin up and stay positive - but frankly, I am so damn tired of feeling like shit. It's been six months now. And I think I can count on my fingers the number of days that I have felt great. The rest of the days I have felt like crap. I just wonder if feeling like crap is my new normal? Feeling like crap is going to be a good thing compared to feeling really horrible? I just wonder if it is always going to be this way. And that really depresses me.

I wish I could talk to Jason about all of this, but it's really hard. I don't want to freak him out about it all. I want to try to be strong for him and the girls. But I think I am nearing my breaking point and will have a mental breakdown sometime soon.

Since being diagnosed my exercise schedule has been really awful. The only thing I can really tolerate is Yoga - and that is even much harder than it use to be. So besides feeling like crap, I feel like I am gaining weight, and so my self esteem is going down the tubes too. It all just really sucks.

I wish I had more help with the girls when I feel so crappy. But with Jason being self-employed, he works long hours. And I can't make him come home to take care of the girls when he is working and supporting our family. Plus it just drives me nuts that I would even think of asking for help with the girls. I want to be able to take care of them. I just feel like such an awful mom sometimes. All I want to do is go home and rest.

There are so many crazy things going on with my body - it is hard to decipher what is really MS - and what isn't? I just really hate dealing with this. But again, I keep telling myself how much worse it could really be.

My mom started her new job as a Plasma tech. She really likes it. The pay is not great, but they have awesome benefits. I think she likes not having to stress about work once she leaves work. She doesn't take her job home with her. Jerry got a job at a hardware store in Shawano. That will be good for him too. Things are looking up for them - and I am so happy. They really deserve it!

McKenna and Macey both had birthdays in October. Man I can't believe they are 4 and 2 already. Time goes by so fast! Every morning or night when they see a star - they say that it is PaPa looking down on them! This morning McKenna was singing twinkle twinkle little start - and saying she was singing it to PaPa. It is comforting thinking about how maybe, just maybe, that really is him looking down on us. I miss him so much. Probably now more than ever when I feel so crappy. He always made me feel better...or at least make me laugh for awhile and forget I felt to crappy.

So that is about all for now. I promise to update my blog more often!!!