Monday, May 7, 2012

Rest in Peace Grandpa

On Saturday, my Grandpa passed away. I am very sad, but yet very happy too. He has been wanting this for quite some time now. The last time I visited him, it was very painful. He was not himself. Very confused, and very angry. That was not my grandpa at all. My grandpa was always the kindest, most gentlest man I knew. The tears that I cried this past weekend were a mix of sad and happy tears. I am so happy he is with my dad again. That makes me feel so good. I am jealous in a way that he is up there hugging my dad again. I have so many fond memories of my grandparents growing up. We lived right next door to them until I was 9 years old. We would spend most of our summers with them while my parents worked. We would help them garden, make homemade saurekraut, and go to the farmer's market and sell their produce. The reason my dad was such a great guy was because he had great parents who raised them. My grandpa will remain in my heart forever. The world lost a truly wonderful man, but heaven gained an amazing angel.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

2 years ago today

2 years ago today....I lost my dad. I lost a friend. I lost a link to my past. I lost a role model. I lost my hero. I lost a peice of me. I lost a piece of normalcy. I lost him. I lost so much more than him.

2 years ago today....I started a journey in this world without my dad. It has been a learning process. Somedays, I block out thinking about him, because it is still so painful. I still think of how unfair it was. Nobody should have to go through that in their last weeks of life. I still think of how much he taught me. He taught me how to live, and then he showed me how to die. I can only hope that I have that much faith, hope, and dignity on my deathbed someday. He never doubted for a minute where he was going. That gave me so much faith. That is the one thing that got me through the horrendous experience. Knowing where my dad was going, and how magical it was going to be when he got there.

On days where my heart literally hurts and feels like it is being torn in half because I miss him so much, I try to remember how I felt the moment he took his last breath before my eyes. I try to remember how peacfull it was. How we were so relieved he wasn't in any pain. How we knew he was standing at the gates of heaven. How we all truly felt in our hearts that we would be together someday in heaven again.

I only allow myself a few days of reflection like this. One of the days is today. I want to treat it like a normal day. But it isn't. It is a day that forever changed me. In bad ways..but in some good ways too.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Bad weeks

Tomorrow starts the start of a few bad weeks. Tomorrow I have to go say goodbye to my Grandpa Maass. The second grandfather I've had to say goodbye to in 5 months. He is not doing well, and they are going to take him off all his meds. It is going to be hard. I was always close to him and my grandma growing up. I have a lot of guilt of not visiting them more since my dad died. It is just so hard though. It makes me miss my dad, and I always leave bawling. I am trying to realize that my grandpa is 93, and has lived an amazing life. He'll be with my dad and uncle Jerry, and my baby girl.

Next week on the 16th is my dad's birthday. Then the following week on the 21st is the 2nd anniversary of his passing. Sigh. I really despise February. I don't like this month at all.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011's been way too long since my last post! I am a firm believer that if you blog, you should blog often, or people will stop reading your stuff! So please don't give up on my blog! I promise to write more often!

I just finished my last final yesterday. I got 95% in both classes! Yay me. I am exhausted thinking about next semester. It would be so nice to have free time again. The reason I am continuing my education, is because it has always been a personal goal of mine. Plus I want to set a good example for my girls someday. How do I tell them they need to go to college, if I never did? I know my dad would be super proud of me. He never went onto school, so I know he was proud of me and my siste when we did.

I had a melt down about my dad the other day. I made my grandma's peppernut cookies. The last time I made them was for the last Christmas my dad was with us. It's crazy how something as simple as cookies can send me into an emotional breakdown over my dad. The breakdowns do come less often now, but when they do, watch out. The dam breaks open, and it's hard to shut it off!

I think my dad came and visited me. I know that sounds weird. I started a prayer journal where I write down all of my prayers. I figure too often I say - "I'll pray for you," but then never follow through. This way, when I write down my prayers, I am truly praying for all the people I want too. Well one of my prayers went something like - please God, let me feel my dad's presence. Let me know he is with you, and continues to be with me.

Well it was a few nights later I woke up at 3 a.m. and just felt like he was there. Jason was out of town hunting, so it was just me in bed. The only way I can describe it - is the feeling you get when you know someone has entered the room, without actually seeing them. I just felt a presence. And I felt like it was my dad. I actually had to finally say out loud - "okay, thanks dad. Got the message loud and clear. I need to sleep now." Because I couldn't sleep because I felt like I was being watched. Ever since then, I've felt an inner peace.

This weekend we have Christmas with my dad's family. That is always hard. I have been a bad granddaughter and have not visited my grandparents in a while. It's so hard. I leave there crying. Seeing them in the condition they are, plus it just makes me miss my dad. I did make the peppernuts for my grandma though. Hope she likes them.

If I don't post before Christmas - I hope you all have a fantastic and magical holiday!

Friday, November 4, 2011

I know it's been way too long since I have update my blog! My life is just plain crazy busy! Between the girls, school, work, Nevaeh's Rainbow project, and everything in between, I have been swamped!!!

I am on my second month of Copaxone now. I wish I could say it was going good, or that it was helping, but sadly so far it is not. I have read that it can take 6-9 months to start working. My eye is still funky. I've also been having some other crazy and very annoying symptoms. For instance today my foot went completly numb. It still is. Feels like it is asleep and really heavy. It makes me almost walk with a limp. I also have this crazy painful nerve thing going on with my pinky finger on my left hand. And of course I still have the ever annoying muscle spasms and twitches. And the pure exhaustion and fatigue.

I've really been trying to keep my chin up and stay positive - but frankly, I am so damn tired of feeling like shit. It's been six months now. And I think I can count on my fingers the number of days that I have felt great. The rest of the days I have felt like crap. I just wonder if feeling like crap is my new normal? Feeling like crap is going to be a good thing compared to feeling really horrible? I just wonder if it is always going to be this way. And that really depresses me.

I wish I could talk to Jason about all of this, but it's really hard. I don't want to freak him out about it all. I want to try to be strong for him and the girls. But I think I am nearing my breaking point and will have a mental breakdown sometime soon.

Since being diagnosed my exercise schedule has been really awful. The only thing I can really tolerate is Yoga - and that is even much harder than it use to be. So besides feeling like crap, I feel like I am gaining weight, and so my self esteem is going down the tubes too. It all just really sucks.

I wish I had more help with the girls when I feel so crappy. But with Jason being self-employed, he works long hours. And I can't make him come home to take care of the girls when he is working and supporting our family. Plus it just drives me nuts that I would even think of asking for help with the girls. I want to be able to take care of them. I just feel like such an awful mom sometimes. All I want to do is go home and rest.

There are so many crazy things going on with my body - it is hard to decipher what is really MS - and what isn't? I just really hate dealing with this. But again, I keep telling myself how much worse it could really be.

My mom started her new job as a Plasma tech. She really likes it. The pay is not great, but they have awesome benefits. I think she likes not having to stress about work once she leaves work. She doesn't take her job home with her. Jerry got a job at a hardware store in Shawano. That will be good for him too. Things are looking up for them - and I am so happy. They really deserve it!

McKenna and Macey both had birthdays in October. Man I can't believe they are 4 and 2 already. Time goes by so fast! Every morning or night when they see a star - they say that it is PaPa looking down on them! This morning McKenna was singing twinkle twinkle little start - and saying she was singing it to PaPa. It is comforting thinking about how maybe, just maybe, that really is him looking down on us. I miss him so much. Probably now more than ever when I feel so crappy. He always made me feel better...or at least make me laugh for awhile and forget I felt to crappy.

So that is about all for now. I promise to update my blog more often!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Rest in peace Grandpa Damro

My Grandpa passed away this past weekend. Even though it was expected, it was still sad. I think the reason I felt the most horrible is because I bawled way harder when he died then I did for my dad. And the funeral too. I know in part it is because with my dad I had cried for a year before. I cried with every surgery,every hospitilization, and every bad test result.

My grandpa was a great man! He recently got to go on the Honor Glory flight to see the World War II memorial. I am so happy he got to see it before he took a turn for the worse.

I am also so glad I got to say goodbye. It will alway be a cherished memory for me.

John Damro (1923 - 2011)
24, 2011, after a series of long illnesses. Jack was born Feb. 6, 1923, in Kaukauna, where he was a lifelong resident with his beloved wife and best friend of 65 years, Louise Damro (Berg). In addition to Louise, Jack is survived by his nine children, Dottie (Don) Beeching, Lynda (Bill) Schuh, Carol (George) Miraben, Colleen Maass (friend Jerry Cady), Joyce (Tim) Gaffney, Mark (Mary Beth) Damro, Ken Damro, Mary Mathews and Hollie (Blake) Jersey.

Jack graduated from Kaukauna High School in 1942. He served in the military during World War II as a corporal in the Headquarters Battery 217th Field Artillery Battalion and was a member of American Legion Post 2930. Jack recently celebrated his military service when he was invited to join the Aug. 25, 2011 Old Glory Honor Flight to Washington D.C. with fellow area World War II veterans and his doctor and friend, Dr. Al Cherkasky. Jack had a career in the Kaukauna Postal Service, retiring in March, 1983.

Jack is also survived by his 13 grandchildren, Tim and James Bauer, Rob and J.J. Schuh and Tammy Baylog, Nicole Onesti and Mandy Maass, Caitlin Gaffney, Mike and Natalie Damro, Breana Mathews and Brock and Cole Jersey; by 17 great-grandchildren, and by his brother, Dick Damro; brother-in-law, Roman Berg; and sisters-in-law, Leone Lamers and Marge Berg.

Jack was preceded in death by his parents, Helmer and Bernice (Guilfoyle) Damro; brother, Charlie Domro and sisters, Alice Berg and Ruth Diedrich; son-in-law, Ron Maass and great-granddaughter, Nevaeh Onesti; niece, Lynne (Tuttle) Domro and nephew, Dan Domro.

Jack will be remembered as a loving, honest, spirited and fun-filled husband, family patriarch, friend, and a God-loving man. He and Louise bowled at The Bowling Bar and Village Lanes, golfed at Countryside Golf Course and were Ranch Bar regulars where Jack was a member of the softball team. When they danced the jitterbug at Cabaret Dance Club the floor cleared as everyone watched and cheered their every swing move.

Jack was an avid sportsman, fisherman and hunter. He was a loyal Packers, Badgers and Brewers fan. He loved games, especially cards with Louise. The two of them were lovers of the outdoors. Jack and Louise took the kids on vacation "Up North" every summer and later had a cabin in Athelstane, Wisconsin. Jack instilled a love of nature in his family: singing and whistling with the birds, tending his backyard purple martin colony and spending family time in natural settings.

Some of Jack's more recent favorite times have been family reunions with kids running everywhere, water fights, games, long talks, an audience for storytelling and lots of laughter. Everyone who has known Jack is familiar with his storytelling, jokes and sense of humor. He was even able to create humor and happiness during his final days in hospice care at St Paul's Senior Services Rehabilitation Center.

Jack's service to Kaukauna continued after his retirement from the Postal Service. He was a St. Vincent DePaul volunteer, a Meals on Wheels volunteer and a proud member of the St. Aloysius Funeral Choir. Jack would ask to be remembered as an honest, just and positive man who made his family and friends feel happy about life and left them smiling.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My copaxone finally got approved by my insurance. I am so grateful to have good medical insurance. The drug will only cost me $15 a month. A home healthcare nurse is coming over tonight to show me how to inject it. I am nervous. I hate shots. I can't imagine having to do this for the rest of my life. But I know diabetics and a lot of other people do it, and after awhile I hope it is no big deal.

I am still doing about the same. Eye still flashy, muscles twitchy (although the medication I have is helping some) and still exhausted beyone belief. I would have to say that is the most frustrating symptom of all. Last weekend I went to a baby shower, and was exhausted. Had to lay down and take a 2 hour nap when I got home. Now tell me how something like that can exhaust you? It's so frustrating!