Friday, July 30, 2010

Harder as time goes on

So I am feeling the loss of my dad more than ever. The last two weeks have been really hard. I find myself crying at random times. This week I started crying during meditation time at yoga. I am just so sad. I think it is hitting me so hard now for two reasons. The first reason being I am starting to miss his presence even more, and the second being, that for the first time since my dad passed away, I am allowing myself to feel. Instead of blocking out the feelings, memories, and emotions, I am letting them in and out. It's hard. I wish I could feel his presence, and I wish I could know that he is okay. I hardly even dream about him. I wish I could have a dream where I could see his face and smile again. It's just so hard to fathom not ever seeing him again in this lifetime. He was such a wonderful man. I just hope that I am making him proud (here come the tears again)! I think back to my Eulogy I gave about him at his funeral. I know he would have been very proud of me in that moment. I turned a church full of crying people, into a church full of laughing people. I can just hear him say "that's my girl".

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Nicole's Favorite Things

Ecotools Bamboo Eye Brush Set, 6 Piece

Another eye shadow favorite! This eyebrush set is very affordable at under $7.00. I bought mine at Walgreens. It has all of the perfect tools to apply eyeshadow perfectly. The set includes:
Large Eye Brush to apply and blend shadows
Angled Crease Brush that softly applies color to crease for definition
Petite Eye Shading Brush for accent colors for a bold look
Highlighting Brush perfect for highlighting the brow bone and inner corners of the eye.
Smudge Brush smudge shadow and liner along lash line for a smoky look.
Cosmetic Case with Mirror conveniently store brushes

The set is also earth friendly and is made from highly sustainable bamboo handles!

Nicole's Favorite Things

120 Color Eyeshadow Palette 2nd Edition

This eyeshadow palette is so much fun, and has endless possibilities. Some of the colors are so bold I probably will never use them other than for Halloween costumes, but with all the colors in the palette, it is easy to mix and blend for even more color combinations.

I bought this palette for $26.00 plus shipping and handling from Amazon. It was a great buy, as I won't be buying eye shadow for a very long time.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

McKenna asked to talk to Papa

Last night McKenna wanted to call grandma. She is in the stage where she loves to talk to people on the phone. Even if it is people she doesn't know. Last night she requested I call grandma Maass. I dialed the number and she told my mom that she was "being sassy and jumping on the bed". Then she said "I wanna tell that to Papa." My mom got caught off guard and asked her what she said, and she said "I wanna talk to papa". But just then she got a look on her face like she realized what she was asking. So I kinda think that she "gets it" a little where papa is.

It was just sad. It made me sad. But it was also weird because she hasn't asked about Papa in several months. This past weekend I was having a hard time missing my dad, and me and McKenna were kissing the pictures of my dad we have on our shelf. We said "Love you papa, miss you" and we would kiss the picture. So maybe that is what brought him back to the front of her mind.

Makes me sad, because I know how much he would be loving and enjoying both Macey and Mckenna right now. He was such a great Papa!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Bad Dad Day

For some reason, I am having a really bad dad moment. I guess because one of my co-worker's was telling me her dad called her on the phone. I got to thinking how I would give anything in the world to hear my dad's voice again on the other end of the phone.

Breakdowns happen so far inbetween these days, that it takes me off guard when I do have one. It just seems like it was forever ago that I saw him. It's only been five months.

One of our friend's step dad passed away last weekend of a heart attack at the age of 48. Just tragic. It got me thinking about my dad, and made me thankful that even though it was so painful, and a horrendous experience, I am glad I lost my dad to cancer. I am glad I had many opportunities to say goodbye to him. I am glad that I had almost a year to prepare myself for his death. It would have been so tragic to me for him to just be gone one day. And in a strange way, I do thank god for being able to say goodbye and comfort him in his last moments of life.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Nicole's Favorite Things

The Instyler

So I was very skeptical of this product when I saw it on an infomercial. It is suppose to straighten even the most curly hair. Since I have some very unruly naturally curly hair, I got suckered in. I did some research on the internet, and found that alot of people really like the instyler and it really works for them. Still unwilling to pay the $100 for one, I went onto Ebay and purchased one for $60. I can say this is one of the best inventions ever.

It tames all of my crazy, frizzy, curly hair and leaves it shiny. It also cuts down the time it takes me to straighten my hair. The only downfall is that it gets much hotter than a normal straightener, and I have managed to burn my face and neck several times. But other than that, I highly recommend this product!!!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Nicole's Favorite Things

Oprah always shares her most favorite things. I have been thinking about doing it for awhile, but didn't want to take the focus of my blog away from my dad. But I am starting to learn that focusing on my dad and his death 100% of the time is not healthy. So I will be doing a feature called Nicole's Favorite Things.

First up - Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion
This stuff is amazing! For anyone that wears any type of eye shadow, this product is a must! I was pretty skeptical at first, and a little leery at paying the 18 bucks for it. But I can say that I am beyond thrilled with the results. My eyeshadow looks almost perfect at the end of the day. Even after a sweaty yoga session, my eye makeup looks almost as fresh as it did in the morning. The only down fall to this product is that the staying power is SO good, that it can be hard to blend your eyeshadow.

Crappy Service

I don't usually use my blog to complain, but I had two horrible experiences this week that I would like to take the time to complain about. Both were in regards to medical visits.

The first one happened at my OBGYN's office. And I have to start out by saying that I love the office, I love the doctors and staff there. And it really wasn't my doctor's fault.

I have been having some testing done for some pelvic and abdominal pain. The nurse practitioner I have been seeing has been extremly proactive and helpful. She ordered an abdominal and pelvic ultrasound. I had it done last week, and went in for the results on Wednesday. They didn't really find anything significant other then scar tissue from my c-sections, and they also said I have some angry ovaries. Here's the bad experience though. In the radiologist's report of the ultrasound - it stated - "Patients gallbladder intact and in good condition". I got my gallbladder out 7 years ago. It even went into saying the duct leading to my gallbladder was good and free of stones. Furthermore, I know I have a kidney stone due to a recent CT scan I had in the emergency room. I know I didn't pass it yet. The radiologist also didn't find the stone at all?

My doctor recognized the mistake right away since she knew I had my gallbladder out. She said she would call the radiologist to see what he was looking at, or if it was a typo or what. Of course I haven't heard back whether or not that was followed up on. The whole thing has left me completly miffed. Did I get the right person's results? How competent was this radiologist?

My second experience happened the day after. I woke up on Thursday morning with all the lymph nodes in the left side of my neck swollen and extremly painful. I didn't sleep all night because my neck hurt so bad. I couldn't turn my head to the left or to the right. Thinking that I have to have some kind of infection or something to cause my glands to freak out this much, I made an appointment with a family doctor I have seen a few times.

First off, she said my glands weren't swollen. Somehow she missed the golf ball protruding out of the left side of my neck. I took her finger and showed her the several lumps I had, including the red, swollen lump on top of my head. She said the lump on my head was also a swollen gland. After lots of research on the internet, I found out that you do NOT have glands in your head. She said that it is normal for lymph nodes to get big when fighting an infection. She told me if they didn't get better in a week to two weeks, to come back and they may have to biopsy them. No strep test, no looking in my nose, nothing. I left there crying and in pain.

There is nothing worse than visiting a doctor and leaving there feeling like a complete moron, that there is nothing wrong with you, or they simply don't care about you. Last night my glands got to golf ball size, and the whole left side of my neck was swollen. Today the swolling is down, but I can still feel lumps in my lymph nodes, and they are still very tender. I just keep thinking that I must have some kind of infection. Like strep or a sinus infection, or something. Why wouldn't she evaluate me more? If not to put me more at ease. I feel like it was a total waste of my $15 co-pay. I feel like writing her a letter to express my dissatisfaction.

But above all, is it so hard to find a doctor now days that gives a shit about you, or follows up, or returns your call? I understand they are all busy, but whatever happened to the doctors that truly care so much for their patients, they go the extra mile?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Thinking of Nevaeh

Yesterday was four years ago that we lost Nevaeh. The crazy thing is, I didn't even realize it until today when a friend e-mailed and said she was thinking about us. Is that bad? I guess it is okay that I forgot the anniversary of her death. I remembered her birthday, and I would like to focus on the positive things, the happy memories that she was with us. The day she passed away was one of the worse days of my life. I guess it is not such a bad thing that I forgot about it being yesterday.
Doesn't mean I don't think about her or miss her constantly.

Friday, July 9, 2010


So I've gone through lots of testing this week. A cystoscopy of my bladder - which came back fine. Today I had an ultrasound of every organ that exists in my stomach. I still have no results, as I don't meet with the doctor until Wednesday. I just want to feel better already!!! I am sick of random sharp pains in my abdomen and side. If everything comes back normal, then I think I am going to request to have my IUD removed. As this pain started after I got it put in, so it is the only other possible thing causing it.

We've been super busy the last couple of weekends. I can't believe another 4th of July has come and gone. I remember spending the 4th with my dad last year. McKenna had a horrible ear infection, and we decided to go spend it with him anyways. I am really glad we did. I really never beilieved it would be our last 4th of July together, but I thought it was possible. Sometimes I miss my dad so much that I can't breathe.