This week has been very hard. I find myself just bursting into tears at random time. I feel like I can hardly hold it together anymore. I can't think, concentrate, eat, or barely hold a conversation. I just feel ill to my stomach all the time and feel like my mind is all scattered.

My dad is coming to peace with dying. For the first time through this whole ordeal he is actually crying and talking about death. He is starting to handle the things he can control, like his funeral and final resting place. He wants to be buried in the Town of Maine cemetary which is close to my mom and dad's house. He said that way he can still be close and "look over his girls." That is totally my dad - even when he is dying, he is trying to make sure we are all okay.

My heart is breaking because there is no amount of time left that I could possibly tell my dad all the things I want to tell him. I am so sad because my girls will never know how wonderful their papa really is. Of course I will tell them all about him, and they WILL know how great he is, but I am sad that they will never truly remember his smile personally. His smile that lights up every laugh line and wrinkle in his face. A smile that is instantly infectious and can light up a room.

I feel bad for my girls because I feel like I am neglecting them sometimes. Sometimes I am so consumed by my grief, that I can't even put a smile on my face for them. Tonight McKenna gave me a hug as I was sobbing and patted my back and said "It's okay momma. Momma sad?" I feel bad that she has to see me like this.

Jason is a man of few words. I know he doesn't say much because he doesn't know how to fix it. But sometimes I wish he would find some words to comfort me. Or just hold me without me having to ask. He is wonderful with the girls, and takes them for me when I have too much to handle - but we just never get time to talk alone without being interrupted by screaming kids.

As I am typing this - both kids are having major meltdowns. But this blog is my therapy, and right now I am just tuning them out and letting Jason deal with it - although my concentration has just been broken, so I am ending it like this for tonight.