My dad met with his Onocologist today. He does not want my dad to continue with treatment - but my dad really wants too. They are going to give my dad two more weeks to heal and think about it. If my dad decides to continue with treatment, they are going to try him on Avastin.

My dad asked him how long he would have left if he didn't continue treatment, and the doctor told him a couple of months. But he said he could only have that long with treatment too - he can only guess. I can't imagine how that must have felt for my dad to hear that. I know personally that hearing it in the hospital numbed the blow a little this time around, but I am still devestated. I literally feel sick to my stomach.

This past year I refused to say "why us" or "it's not fair". But today I find myself saying that. I am so angry at God right now. And it really hurts me to say that - as I have really been drawing deep down into my faith lately. And my pastor says it is okay to be mad at God and say bad things to him - that he forgives us. Tonight I just had it out with God. I know I have asked him for a lot of miracles in the past five years, and he delivered two to me - McKenna and Macey. But a lot of times I feel cheated loosing Nevaeh, and now with my dad. I'm just so angry. Why does bad stuff happen to good people? I know when God calls me home - I will know the answer. But for now I just need to be a little mad at him. I know that is okay.

I just don't know what I would do in my dad's situation. Do you go for quality or quantity? I don't know. And every choice he does make - we'll never know the outcome of the other descision.

Cancer is such a furious beast. You can now see the tumor just by looking at my dad's stomach. It's like an alien taking over his body. I just wish, pray, hope, beg for a miracle. My heart is just hurting so bad tonight.

I do get to spend the day with dad tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, but it is also going to be very hard. I want to have so many heart to heart conversations with him but I don't want him to think I am giving up on him yet. I just love him so much. I have been truly blessed to have him as my dad for the last 29 years.