Today would be Nevaeh's fourth birthday. June 1st is always a hard day for me. A day filled of "what if's" and wondering what my life would be like today. I wonder what she would look like. I wonder how different our life would be. Would we still have McKenna and Macey in our life? There are so many questions - questions that I will never have answers to.
I can't believe that it was four years ago that I lost my first born daughter. In some ways it seems like yesterday. In some ways it seems like forever ago. In some ways it seems like it was all a really bad dream. It's amazing how much your life can change in a blink of an eye.
We celebrated Nevaeh's birthday yesterday by visiting her grave in the morning. Then we had cake and icecream at my mom's house. McKenna wanted to sing happy birthday, and blow out candles, so I let her. She was convinced that it was her birthday. I kept telling her it was Nevaeh's birthday, but I know it is hard for her to understand something so complicated. She only knows Macey as her sister. Someday she will understand who Nevaeh is.
I had a total meltdown last night at my mom's house. I think it was the overwhelming feeling of my dad not being there, intensified with Nevaeh's death. I bawled all day, and snapped at my mom. I feel awful about that. Then when I just got myself calmed down - I found my dad's glasses on his work bench. I just lost it all over again. It's weird how something as simple as reading glasses take on a new meaning when you lose someone. It sounds strange, but I crave touching things my dad has touched. It makes me feel like a part of him is still here.
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