Overwhelmed

So I think I've passed the "shock" phase of my potential diagnosis. Because all of the sudden, I just keep thinking how bad this sucks.

I am really sick of feeling like crap. The past few weeks have been very difficult. I am so exhausted. Exhuastion is actually an understatement. By 1:00 I am almost falling asleep at my desk. The drive home is awful. I almost need to call someone on my cell phone just to stay awake. Then when I get home, all I want to do is lay down and rest, but I have the girls to take care of. I feel really horrible for the girls. I feel like a bad mom not being able to play and be active with them.

Jason has been finishing a job in Wausau. So he has been leaving home by 6:30 in the morning, and not getting home until 8:30 at night or sometimes later. So it leaves me doing everything around the house, and everything with the girls. And I think that is why I have been feeling like crap. I know with MS, stress and pushing your body to the limits is the worse thing. It is so frustrating.

Last night when I went to bed, it felt like someone was sticking a hot poker into the bottom of my foot. It was not pleasant. Then anytime I try to fall asleep, I have muscle spasms through out my whole body. Mainly in my legs and arms. They twitch, pretty violently, and wake me up. But most the time I am so tired, I can sleep through the most of it.

Mentally, I hate feeling like this. My memory sucks lately. In fact at the beginning of this episode this summer, I even forgot my pin number to my debit card. I had to have them resend it to me. I use to have such a sharp memory, and this is really frustrating. I also have no attention span. I feel like a kid with ADD. It's really hard to stay focused on tasks at hand. All of these symptoms together have left me feeling a bit depressed and have such a short fuse. And I hate that. I end up having such short patience with my kids, and end up yelling at them. I feel like such a bad mom sometimes.

All this makes me also feel bad for Jason. He works so hard. Over 65 hours a week. Do I have any right to complain to him how tired I am? It just doesn't seem right. That's what makes me so sad and frustrated. I need help sometimes, and I feel to guilty asking him for it. I feel bad that Jason and my girls will have to live with this the rest of their lives too. It obviously just doesn't effect me.

I just so want to feel better, and get back to my old self. I am not sure if that is possible or not. But I am holding out hope that a combination of the Copaxane and drugs for fatigue will help.