Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sometime I feel so guilty that I can't cry. I want to cry for my dad, I know I need too, but the tears just aren't there. It's not that I am stronger then my mom or sister, I think it is just we all grieve different. I never understood people at funerals who didn't cry, but now I do. I think I am learning that is how I grieve. I think I cried so much in the months leading up to my dad's death, that sometimes I am so cried out. Plus I know he is in a way better place, and he is not suffering anymore. I don't want this to sound weird or bad, but sometimes I think the thoughts of him dying were actually worse then him being gone. I can't explain that, but I think it was somewhat of a blessing to know he was going to die. It has actually helped me. If he would have died suddenly, I don't think I would be doing so good. But I know I got the opportunity to tell him everything I wanted, and he told me everything I wanted to hear. I promised him I would take care of Mom and Mandy, and I am really trying. I think he knew my personality, and he knew that I would be the glue that holds the all of us together, and that I would be there for my mom and sister at a drop of a hat. But sometimes it feels kind of lonely too. I don't have anyone I can call and talk to, because I am trying so hard to be there for them and protect them. I've been through this whole grieving process before, and I know it takes time. I just hope that I don't hold everything in for so long, that I eventally crumble at the worse time.

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