I have a hard time looking at my dad's picture. I know someday it will make me smile, but right now - every time I see his face, my heart just hurts. It makes me sad instead of happy. I just miss him so much. I don't think it has set in that I will never see him again.
A lot of times I think I am dealing with his death better then I imagined - because of the things I witnessed in his last days alive. I think right now, I am still so traumatized over watching him die, that I can't truly feel anything about him being dead. I know soon it will catch up to me. Right now I try not to let my mind go to the places it wants to go. Every once and a while an image of my dad on his death bed pops into my head. I try to shake it out and replace it with a good image of a fond memory. But it is hard. I don't think I will truly be able to heal until I grieve. And for some reason, I am still so numb that I can't grieve. It's a very odd cycle.
Nicole, I came across your blog through the kidney cancer forum. I lost a friend to kidney cancer on February 25th...he was 57 years old (relatively young like your dad). He had some of the same issues as your dad, with the poor response to Sutent, some confusion, and a very rapid decline. This disease is a beast. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing your story.
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