Dear Dad

Dad-
I miss you so much today that I can literally feel my heart breaking. My morning started off with me dreaming about you. I swear I could hear your voice. I thought I heard you say - "Soon you'll wake up." And then my alarm went off. All day I have been crying and thinking about you. I wish you would send me another sign, maybe a rainbow, so I know you are watching over me.

I am trying my best to take care of mom for you. This weekend is her birthday...I know it will be hard for her not having you there. Easter is next weekend, the first holiday without you here. Everyone says that this grieving thing gets easier with time, and I hope it does. Just when I think I am doing good, it hits me harder than the last time.

I have been dealing with your death by reading a lot of books. I am reading one right now called "Glimpses of Heaven". It's wrote by a hospice nurse. It is hard to read because it brings me back to you dying and your last breaths, but it is wonderful to read about peoples glimpses of heaven, and what they experienced that proves there is life after death. The one thing that caught my attention, was the nurse said sometimes God makes the dying person see things that comfort them, and lets them die in peace. I remember when Pastor Jason asked you what you saw, and you said "A cornfield". I really think you did see a cornfield, with tons of geese in it, and that comforted you. I also remember the morning you died - you reaching into the sky like you were trying to grab someone's hand. Who did you see? An angel? Nevaeh or Jerry? Or perhaps God himself? I wish I knew.

It has only been a month since you passed away, but it already feels like a lifetime. I don't want to forget your incredible laugh, or every wrinkle in your face, or that wonderful smile. I wish I would have taken more videos of you throught the years.

I visited mom on Saturday night. It really hit me going to the house and not having you there. I sat in your new recliner, the one you bought yourself for your birthday, and it was very weird. I felt very sad. I was so use to seeing you in that chair. It didn't seem right that I was sitting in it. When I walk into the house, I smell you yet....

McKenna misses you. Last weekend she kept asking to go to Papa Ma-asses house. I kept reminding her that you were in heaven, and we can't see you anymore. Sometimes when I get her pajamas on, she'll say "Papa is in his jammies too. Papa is sleeping." It breaks my heart everytime. But I am glad that you made such an impact on her life that she hasn't forgotten you yet.

It seems so weird to think that I will never see you again in this lifetime. When I think of it, my heart hurts, and I start to panic. I keep reminding myself that you are in Heaven, and someday we will be together again. I pray for the Lord to wrap his arms around me and mom and Mandy, and comfort us and help us know you are in a better place, and we will all be together someday.

I love you so much dad. I am grateful I got to tell you that so many times the last year. And I know you loved me too and were proud of me. I was and will always be proud of you too.

Love,
Nikki