Yesterday was really hard. Harder then I could ever have imagined. There were a lot of tears on a day that is suppose to be so joyous and happy.
My dad was very confused and rambling and not making any sense. He was saying things that made no sense what so ever, he didn't know where he was at times, or who we were. It was very scary. My mom called the doctor, and they said maybe he was dehydrated. They told us to make him drink a lot, and he should stop the chemo pill.
We started making him take a lot of drink of gatorade. Within the next few hours, he started to come around a little more and make a little more sense. I felt really bad for my mom. It is now a 24/7 job for her to make sure my dad is being taken care of. And I felt really bad having to leave her there by herself with him. She gets so lonely, because all my dad does in sleep. She tries to make him eat and drink, and sometimes he gets so mad at her. A lot of time he throws food away and then tells my mom he ate it. I think he does it so we don't worry about him.
Yesterday was the worse Christmas ever. But I know I should still cherish it because we were all still together. My nephew was very upset. He is very close to papa, and it was really hard for him to see him that way, and not have him awake to share in all the joy of the day. I think we all realized yesterday that my dad really is dying. It gave us a glimpse into what is ahead of us. And all I can say is that place really sucks. I wouldn't ever wish this onto anyone.
I've been trying to figure out the past 6 months, if it is more of a blessing or a curse knowing ahead of time that your loved one is going to die soon. I don't know. I still haven't figured out what is best. In some ways it makes me cherish the time I have with him, and I am more prepared for when it does happen. But on the other hand, every event or time I see him is over shadowed by the inevitable.
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