Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Last night I had a major meltdown about my dad. This is going to be a very long, very tough week. Yesterday was Valentine's day, tomorrow is his birthday, and then Monday is the year marker that he passed away. I don't know why the feelings of sadness cultivate around the year marker of his death. I mean I am sad all the time, but this week it is worse. I just keep thinking how last year at this time, we were planning a surprise birthday party for my dad...and he was still here. It just seems like so long ago. It seems more like a decade that I haven't seen him. It just plain sucks. When I read the obituaries in the paper in the mornings, and I see all of these 80 and 90 year old's passing away, I feel so cheated. I should have had 20 years with my dad yet. My dad should have been able to see his grandchildren grow. He should have been able to retire with dignity and enjoy life to the fullest with doing the things he enjoyed. Instead I feel like he got cheated. I feel like I got cheated.
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I'm sorry this is all hitting you so hard and all at once. That time of was especially difficult for me, and I couldn't stop thinking back to "a year ago at this time, we..." That was the hardest year for me so far. Eventually, the skies will clear again and you'll find the smiles you've been lacking, but until those days come, let the emotions flood in and let yourself feel... whether you feel sad, angry, cheated, etc. We have every right to feel the way we do.
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oh honey.. i can't even say i hope your week isn't too hard.. because i know.. i know it would be meaningless.. i thought the anniversary of my dad's passing would go smoothly and wouldn't hit me so hard... but oh my to have his birthday and passing happen so close together.. just do what what you can lady... the rest will come later!
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