Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I am sure my dad is smiling down from heaven as the Packers move onto the superbowl!!

I am not sure what it is, probably the time of year, but I really miss my dad. I find myself saying it outloud. "I miss my dad right now." I think how I have dealt with my dad's death all of this time, is I really don't let myself feel. Everytime I start to feel that ache in my heart, I just shut it off. I know it is probably not healthy, but it is the best coping mechanism that I have at this point. I think it's how I deal with a majority of things in my life. It's easier to let yourself not feel I guess.

Two important days are coming up. My dad's birthday on February 16th, and a year since he died, February 21st. That is going to be a hard day. My mom and sister and I all plan on taking off. We'll probably watch the video my sister put together of him. I don't want too. It's too painful. Again, I would rather just shut my feelings off than have to deal with them. But I know it is an important day, and a day that should be spent remembering my dad. It just sucks. I don't want to have to remember him. I want him here right now. Everytime I see my girls, I get sad knowing how much my dad would love the stages they are in. He was such a great papa. And such a great dad. And there is this gaping hole in my heart that can never be repaired. And sometimes, as much as I try, the pain can't be shut off or ignored.

2 comments:

  1. I was kind of the opposite- I think I allowed myself to 'feel' too much! I was so upset and crying all the time that I quickly decided to see a therapist. That allowed me to have a designated time to 'feel'. I left feeling so relieved each week. I got my hour to cry and explore my emotions, and it was enough to get me through the next 6 days with only one or two breakdowns, which was awesome compared to how it was previously. Not allowing yourself to feel how you feel, or allowing to to flood in to much, seems to be equally as harmful... There really is no right way to get through this I guess.

    I didn't think the one year mark was going to be a big deal for me, but it was. I had been fine days before that, but when I woke up that morning I was extremely emotional. I couldn't imagine putting myself through watching a video of my mom that day! Yes you want to remember your dad, but you are already doing that. At the gathering after my mom's funeral, someone put together a video of her... I walked out and sat with some friends down the hall. I was not about to put my heart through that. Meanwhile everyone else was in there having meltdowns and I was outside laughing and swapping stories of her. Only do what you can- don't feel obligated to watch that if you're not ready. Make the best decision for you and no one else xo

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  2. Honey, from my own experiences the 1 year really really sucks. You are going to find yourself reliving what you were doing the years before to the minute. I lost my Mom 38 years ago.Over the years I have been able to put it in perspective and get thru pretty darn good. This last year on the anniversary date 9-20 I had a complete breakdown and was an emotional heap, I even joined a online support group called Motherless Daugthers. My point is that this 1st years will be hard, but it gets manageable and then it can get right back to awful. You, Mandy and your Mama have lots of support....don't be afraid to ask for help! We're here!

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