Friday, September 24, 2010

Dreams

The last two nights I've had some pretty intense dreams of my dad. The reason this is very weird, is because this is the first time since he has passed, that I have had any dreams about him. I use to wish I would have some dreams with him, just so I could see his face again in some sense.

This weekend marks a year ago that my dad went into the hospital with his perforated colon. A year ago is when my personal hell really started. I am not sure if that is why all of the sudden I am dreaming about my dad.

I dreamt last night that he had the chemo hooked up to his port and he was saying to me "If I do this one last chemo, I really think it is going to literally kill me this time." So I reached over and yanked the chemo out of his port as fast as I could.

The dream Wednesday night I saw his healthy smiling face, and he was telling a joke. He was always really good at telling jokes. He was so animated, and would really get you going so the punchline was extra funny.

Although I am happy that I saw his smiling face in some sense again, it also makes me sad. I miss him so much. And even when I have happy moments, I am fully not completly happy, as there will always be a part of me sad and dead. It is true what they say - when a loved one dies, a peice of you dies too.

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