My dad met with a new onocologist today. It is actually the same guy who treated my mom when she had breast cancer. They liked him so much more then the first oncologist they met with on Friday.
He recommended that my dad get the IV Chemotherapy. He said the pill form was just approved by the FDA a couple of months ago, and there are so many unknowns with it. My dad will get a port put in either tomorrow or Thursday, and will start chemo next week. They also want to do a MRI of his brain to make sure there is no cancer there. God, this is all so scary. He will have the chemo once a week - and they'll do another catcan after a month. We would know then if it is being effective or not. There is a 50% chance that this drug will shrink the tumors.
Please pray for us. I am praying so hard and so much lately, that I am literally mentally exhuasted. I am trying to radiate postivness and be happy go lucky for my mom and dad's sake. I am hoping it will rub off on them. I also know they have so much to worry about - they don't need to worry about my well being. I also have to remember to stay calm for this little baby's sake. As I type - it is just kicking away. Maybe trying to get me to focus on the good things going on in my life?
I just wish there was more that I could do. I feel really helpless at this point. Now we just have to wait--again, to see what happens. I am still hoping for a miracle. They happen to people all the time.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I pray you enough...
Someone sent me this e-mail, and I thought it was worth passing on:
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged, and the mother said, 'I love you, and I pray you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I pray you enough, too, Mom.'
They kissed, and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'
'Well...I'm not as young as I once was, she lives so far away & has her own busy life. I have some challenges ahead, and the reality is - her next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I pray you enough.' May I ask what that means?'
She began to smile. 'That's a prayer that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.' She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I pray you enough,' we wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them..'
Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Then, she began to cry, and walked away.
They say, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged, and the mother said, 'I love you, and I pray you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I pray you enough, too, Mom.'
They kissed, and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'
'Well...I'm not as young as I once was, she lives so far away & has her own busy life. I have some challenges ahead, and the reality is - her next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I pray you enough.' May I ask what that means?'
She began to smile. 'That's a prayer that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.' She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I pray you enough,' we wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them..'
Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Then, she began to cry, and walked away.
They say, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.
I got thinking this morning. Since this pregnancy was unplanned, and pretty unexpected, I think that it happened for a reason. God knew that it was the perfect time. He knew we would all need some joy and something good to look forward too at a time like this. I guess it is really amazing how god works sometimes.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Green Ribbons
I am having a hard day today. Probably because I was googling again. Stage 4 Kidney cancer, which is what my dad has, has a very low survival rate. The has discouraged me. Most people die within a year. I am in denial yet. I refuse to give up and give in. I will make my dad fight -- and win.
I am making green ribbon pins today. Green is the color for kidney cancer. So far I have made about 20, but it is a very good stress reliever. If anyone wants one in support of my dad, please let me know and I will get one for you. I guess this is my way of dealing, and attempting to do something to make the situation better, and to give a little hope to my family.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
My Dad's Appointment
It has been confirmed that my dad's cancer is back. I guess it is safe to say, it never really went away. They just temporarily derailed it. The main tumor is in his abdomen, where his kidney once was. A month ago on the catscan it was 3 mm, now it is 20 mm. It is a very fast, agressive cancer. He also has another spot by his spleen which has grow, and one in his lung. I guess it is very common for kidney cancer to mestestatize to the lung.
There are 2 different types of chemo he can go on. The first one (which has the best results, so now I am praying that he can be on this one) is an oral chemo that he will take in pill form. With this chemo, all of his levels need to be perfect, his calcium, iron, and other levels. If those levels are all good, he would start it next week. He would be on the chemo for 4 weeks, then off for 2, then they would do another catscan, and repeat the process. Also with this drug, they have to monitor all his levels very closely, so he would have 3 -4 doctor appointments a week.
The second kind of drug (less successful) is the IV chemo drugs. The thing that really sucks about kidney cancer is that chemotherapy is really not an effective treatment. So there are only a few drugs they can try. Radiation usually does not help either. So we are helpless, and dependant on these 2 drugs right now, and just PRAY that one of them works.
I feel a little bit better knowing the cancer is not into his liver, but scared at the rapid growth, and the chance of it speading to other places very fast. It is going to be a long, long, few months ahead of us, please pray for strength for our family.
My dad is still in so much pain that he cannot function. The tumor that is causing him the most pain is the one where his kidney was. They said there is nothing they can do surgically. He has to wait for the tumor to hopefully shrink before he will have some relief from pain. They put him on morphine yesterday. It is safe to say that my dad is done working. He will be going on full disability, and applying for social security. Which is best - both for his health and mentally. I know if I was told I had cancer, the last thing I would want to do every day is go to a job.
Amazingly, I am doing okay. I think I am a little at peace now, knowing what we face. I think the diagnosis is the hardest part. Once we get past that, we can tackle the thing head on. My dad has the most amazing attitude ever. He is constantly laughing, and yesterday was making jokes and laughing yet. Laughter is the best medicine, and I am hoping that his positive attitude makes him a miracle.
There are 2 different types of chemo he can go on. The first one (which has the best results, so now I am praying that he can be on this one) is an oral chemo that he will take in pill form. With this chemo, all of his levels need to be perfect, his calcium, iron, and other levels. If those levels are all good, he would start it next week. He would be on the chemo for 4 weeks, then off for 2, then they would do another catscan, and repeat the process. Also with this drug, they have to monitor all his levels very closely, so he would have 3 -4 doctor appointments a week.
The second kind of drug (less successful) is the IV chemo drugs. The thing that really sucks about kidney cancer is that chemotherapy is really not an effective treatment. So there are only a few drugs they can try. Radiation usually does not help either. So we are helpless, and dependant on these 2 drugs right now, and just PRAY that one of them works.
I feel a little bit better knowing the cancer is not into his liver, but scared at the rapid growth, and the chance of it speading to other places very fast. It is going to be a long, long, few months ahead of us, please pray for strength for our family.
My dad is still in so much pain that he cannot function. The tumor that is causing him the most pain is the one where his kidney was. They said there is nothing they can do surgically. He has to wait for the tumor to hopefully shrink before he will have some relief from pain. They put him on morphine yesterday. It is safe to say that my dad is done working. He will be going on full disability, and applying for social security. Which is best - both for his health and mentally. I know if I was told I had cancer, the last thing I would want to do every day is go to a job.
Amazingly, I am doing okay. I think I am a little at peace now, knowing what we face. I think the diagnosis is the hardest part. Once we get past that, we can tackle the thing head on. My dad has the most amazing attitude ever. He is constantly laughing, and yesterday was making jokes and laughing yet. Laughter is the best medicine, and I am hoping that his positive attitude makes him a miracle.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Googling
I need to stop googling! Right now I have been googling every type of cancer, the treatments and survival rates. It is not helping me at all. That is just my nature. When I am faced with something new, I google and research and arm myself with all of the information possible. In this case it is not helping - since I don't even know what we are techincally facing yet. I am sure tomorrow when we get answers, or steps closer to an answer, I will be googling all weekend.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
News
We did not get the best news about my dad last night. We were told that the spots on his liver, spleen, and lung, has grown significantly larger since the last scan. We can now assume that it is cancer. Nothing else would grow that fast. Unfortunately we won't know more until he meets with the onocologist on Friday.
It's amazing how your life can change in a matter of seconds. How your outlook on situations can change in a heartbeat. I have been preparing myself mentally for the worst. We all have. We all have known in the back of our minds that is was most likely the case. I held it together in front of McKenna and Jason last night, but then this morning had a mental breakdown. I am not ready to lose my dad yet. I want him around for my kids! I want my kids to get to know the most wonderful man ever. The man that I have had the privilege to call my dad.
It makes me sad to think of the unthinkable. I know there will be a time that my parents won't be there anymore. I can't fathom it. We have been such a close knit family. When I think about it, my chest gets tight, and I can hardly breathe. I've always been daddy's little girl, and my mom has always been my best friends. I wish everyone could be as lucky as me - growing up with the 2 greatest parents ever.
I am just scared. Scared to hear the prognosis. Scared for the months ahead. Scared to see my dad weak and vulnerable. Just scared. I have been trying to pray to god this morning for the strength to handle what comes our way. It is so hard to have faith in god at times like this! This is when I call upon the lord the most, but sometimes it is really, really, hard. I know sometimes what we want, is not what he has planned for us. I know that he does not give anyone more then they can handle, but it is so hard.
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