News

We did not get the best news about my dad last night. We were told that the spots on his liver, spleen, and lung, has grown significantly larger since the last scan. We can now assume that it is cancer. Nothing else would grow that fast. Unfortunately we won't know more until he meets with the onocologist on Friday.

It's amazing how your life can change in a matter of seconds. How your outlook on situations can change in a heartbeat. I have been preparing myself mentally for the worst. We all have. We all have known in the back of our minds that is was most likely the case. I held it together in front of McKenna and Jason last night, but then this morning had a mental breakdown. I am not ready to lose my dad yet. I want him around for my kids! I want my kids to get to know the most wonderful man ever. The man that I have had the privilege to call my dad.

It makes me sad to think of the unthinkable. I know there will be a time that my parents won't be there anymore. I can't fathom it. We have been such a close knit family. When I think about it, my chest gets tight, and I can hardly breathe. I've always been daddy's little girl, and my mom has always been my best friends. I wish everyone could be as lucky as me - growing up with the 2 greatest parents ever.

I am just scared. Scared to hear the prognosis. Scared for the months ahead. Scared to see my dad weak and vulnerable. Just scared. I have been trying to pray to god this morning for the strength to handle what comes our way. It is so hard to have faith in god at times like this! This is when I call upon the lord the most, but sometimes it is really, really, hard. I know sometimes what we want, is not what he has planned for us. I know that he does not give anyone more then they can handle, but it is so hard.

My Dad

My dad went in for his catscan yesterday and his creatinine levels were too high, so they could not do the scan for the sake that it could damage his one good kidney left. I guess the dye they inject you with is pretty harsh on your kidneys. He was in so much pain on his drive home that he had to pull over. My mom left work and debated about bringing him to the emergency room. They got the catscan rescheduled for today. He will have to go in and have IV fluids for 2 hours before the scan - and 2 hours after the scan. We won't know anything until Friday when he meets with his doctor.

I am really trying to stay positive. It is very hard though. Of course my mind keeps jumping to the worse thing possible - inoperable, aggressive, terminal cancer. But then I try to remember that the pain he is having is where they removed his kidney. So there is no kidney there. And the liver is on the other side of your body. So what could be causing this pain? And infection in the wound? A sponge left in after surgery? The spot they did see on the catscan last time was in the shape of a wedge. Wouldn't that be a relief if it was a sponge? All we can do at this point is pray and hope for the best. My new saying over the past week, with all the things going on with the baby and my dad is - I am prepared for the worst - hoping for the best.

Praying for my dad

Today my dad has a follow up catscan. Last scan they found 3 spots that they are watching. One on his liver, one on his spleen, and one in his lung. I am worried sick. I just pray that they have shrunk, and there is nothing there. We were over there yesterday for Father's Day, and he is in so much pain. It seems like he is in more pain now then right after he got his kidney removed. He had to take an Oxycontin when we were there. I am just so worried. I know my mom and dad are too.

He has the scan today, and then meets with the doctor on Friday. So it is going to be a long week. If the news is not good - it is not going to be a good weekend. I know this is out of our hands, and all we can do is pray. I just feel so exhausted from praying so much lately. Does that sound bad? Sometimes I don't know what to say to god. If this is his plan for my dad - then is praying really going to change anything? All I can do is pray for strength to accept whatever diagnosis there is. It's all in god's hands.