I am thinking of my sister and her boyfriend Greg. Greg lost his mom on Saturday. She's had a long battle with diabetes and kidney failure. She's been on hospice for awhile now.

I've come to realize, no matter how old you are, the death of a parent is still hurtful. It doesn't matter if you are an adult or not, but everyone needs and wants their parents.

I went to the wake last night, and it was the first time being at the funeral home that we had my dad's wake at. It was weird. It looked like the same exact casket that was rented (used when there is a showing but the person is being cremated)for my dad. It was weird coming to the realization that my dad's body could have been in that same exact casket.

I could still picture my dad in his leather jacket in the casket. It still seems so unreal. Sometimes I can't believe he is gone!

Life has been crazy this winter. Our house has been full of sickness. Seems like one of us has been sick non-stop since October. I am thankful that last year we had a great sick-free winter, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to visit and spend time with my dad.

McKenna is getting her second set of tubes put in her ears this Friday. The first set she has in are not functioning anymore. And we are on our second ear infection in the last 2 months. The ENT just recommened that we put in another set, and hopefully that will last us another year.

Made it one year

Well, yesterday was the dreaded one year anniversary of my dad's death. It went better than I thought it would. Originally I had plans to meet up with my sister and my mom, and for us to spend the entire day together. But as luck had it, we had a huge snowstorm Sunday night that dumped 12 inches of snow on us!! I finally was able to get the girls off to daycare at about 9:30. Then I got ready, and decided to head to my mom's house, and just take the drive slow.

I made it to my mom's at about 11:30. We decided that we were going to continue with our plans and go to the mall for a little retail therapy. It was a really stupid decision, as the roads were horrible!! But I haven't had a vacation day just for me in so long, I was determined to get some shopping done! We had a blast shopping and getting our mind of things for awhile. Man...did I spend too much money. Shopping when you are sad, is never a good idea!!

We did have many tearful moments through the day. I had my first meltdown when Jason pulled me close for a hug before I left. I always try to hold it in and put on a strong face. Then I listened to all my dad's favorite and some of his funeral songs on the drive. Me and my mom and sister had a lot of tearful reminiscing on our drive to the mall. I took time to remember him through my facebook status, as well as the poem I posted on here.

I am proud how I handled it. I think I made the day the best I could. I took time to reflect, to remember, but to also get my mind off things. I did happen to just gaze at the clock at 7:59 p.m. - the time of his death. And I thought wow...it really has been a year. I can't believe sometimes that it has been that long!

One year ago...

I lost my hero.
I lost someone who was there for me my whole life.
I lost someone who knew where I came from, and was proud of where I was going.
I lost someone who could light up the room with his smile and laugh.
I lost someone who taught me about the meaning of life.
I lost someone who taught me about the meaning of death.
I lost someone who taught me to smile when times get rough.
I lost someone who when faced with death, was more concerned about the family he was leaving behind.
I lost someone who can never be replaced.
I lost someone who can never be forgotten.
I lost a peice of my heart and life I can never get back.
I lost my daughters' grandpa.
I lost my dad.

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would have been 62. Still seems too young too die. I don't have much to say today, other than I am really missing my dad today and am really sad.

This picture is from my dad's 50th surprise birthday party we threw him.

Last night I had a major meltdown about my dad. This is going to be a very long, very tough week. Yesterday was Valentine's day, tomorrow is his birthday, and then Monday is the year marker that he passed away. I don't know why the feelings of sadness cultivate around the year marker of his death. I mean I am sad all the time, but this week it is worse. I just keep thinking how last year at this time, we were planning a surprise birthday party for my dad...and he was still here. It just seems like so long ago. It seems more like a decade that I haven't seen him. It just plain sucks. When I read the obituaries in the paper in the mornings, and I see all of these 80 and 90 year old's passing away, I feel so cheated. I should have had 20 years with my dad yet. My dad should have been able to see his grandchildren grow. He should have been able to retire with dignity and enjoy life to the fullest with doing the things he enjoyed. Instead I feel like he got cheated. I feel like I got cheated.

Go Packers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are superbowl champs!!! Last time I witnessed the Packers winning a superbowl, my dad was there watching it with me, and I was 17. I was sad that my dad couldn't be part of this Packer season. He would have loved this season, and loved watching the game. I can still picture my dad watching the Packer game every Sunday when I was growing up. Sometimes he would be reading the paper during the game, peering over the top of the paper and over his bifocals when a good play happened. I can't help but wonder if my dad put a word in with the big guy this year, and helped the Packers along on their road to victory!!!