I am doing okay. I can't believe this Sunday will be one month ago my dad died. In some regards, it seems like forever that I haven't heard his voice.

The other night I was getting McKenna's pajamas on, and she said "Papa's got his jammies on too. Papa sleeping." Then I asked her, "Where does Papa live?" She answered "in heaven." Then I pointed to her heart, and I said "Papa lives right here too. He lives in your heart." Well she pulled out her pajamas and looked down her shirt in amazement, hoping to find papa.

It's sad, every time my mom is around she asks where papa is. In some ways I am glad that she hasn't forgotten him yet, but everytime she asks, it breaks my heart. I always think how simple the life of a two year old is. They don't know about sickness or death, have any responibilities, and the worst part of their day is when thier sippy cup runs empty. It would be great to have that simplicity in life.

Well I've had my first breakdown, and several after. This week has been very tough. And not just for me. I know my mom and Mandy are having rough weeks also. I think it is finally setting in. I think I am finally realizing what an angel on earth my dad really was. He gave us so many gifts and life lessons. I miss him so much. I miss his smile, and his laugh, and his voice on the phone. I just wish there was a pill you could take to make the hurt go away. Sometimes my heart feels like it is literally breaking.

Sometime I feel so guilty that I can't cry. I want to cry for my dad, I know I need too, but the tears just aren't there. It's not that I am stronger then my mom or sister, I think it is just we all grieve different. I never understood people at funerals who didn't cry, but now I do. I think I am learning that is how I grieve. I think I cried so much in the months leading up to my dad's death, that sometimes I am so cried out. Plus I know he is in a way better place, and he is not suffering anymore. I don't want this to sound weird or bad, but sometimes I think the thoughts of him dying were actually worse then him being gone. I can't explain that, but I think it was somewhat of a blessing to know he was going to die. It has actually helped me. If he would have died suddenly, I don't think I would be doing so good. But I know I got the opportunity to tell him everything I wanted, and he told me everything I wanted to hear. I promised him I would take care of Mom and Mandy, and I am really trying. I think he knew my personality, and he knew that I would be the glue that holds the all of us together, and that I would be there for my mom and sister at a drop of a hat. But sometimes it feels kind of lonely too. I don't have anyone I can call and talk to, because I am trying so hard to be there for them and protect them. I've been through this whole grieving process before, and I know it takes time. I just hope that I don't hold everything in for so long, that I eventally crumble at the worse time.

this song reminds me of my dad....

REMEMBER ME WITH SMILES AND LAUGHTER AS I REMEMBER ALL OF YOU

To my Dearest Family and Friends,

some things I'd like to say.
First of all to let you know that I arrived okay.
I am writing this from Heaven,
where I swell with God above,
Where there’s no more tears or sadness,
there is just eternal Love.
Please don’t be unhappy just because I am out of sight.
Remember I am with you morning, noon and night.

That day when I had to leave you,
when my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me
and said “I welcome you”
Then God said “Its good to have you back again, you were missed
while you were gone;
as for your dearest family they will be here
later on.
I need your help so badly as part of my big plan,
there is so much that we have to do to help our mortal man.”

Then, God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do,
and first thing on that list of mine is to watch and care for you.
And I will be beside you every day and week and year;
And when you’re sad I am sitting there to wipe away the tears.
And when you lie in bed at night,
the day’s cares put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night,
When you think of my life on earth and all those loving years,
because you are only human,
they are bound to bring some tears.

Please do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain,
remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all God has planned,
but if I were to tell you,you wouldn’t understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.
I am closer to you now that I ever was before.

And to my dearest friends, trust God knows what is best,
I’m still not far away from you, Im just beyond the crest.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together, we can do it taking one step at a time.


It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you to,
that as you give onto the world, so the world will give to you.
If you can help someone who’s in sorrow or in pain, then you can say
to God at night “my day was not in vain.”

And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way,
I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I am walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when you feel that gentle breeze or wind upon your face,
That’s me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace.
And when its time for you to go from that body to be free,
remember you are not going, you are coming here to me.

And I will always love you from that land up above.
We will be in touch again soon.
P.S. God Sends His Love.

I have a hard time looking at my dad's picture. I know someday it will make me smile, but right now - every time I see his face, my heart just hurts. It makes me sad instead of happy. I just miss him so much. I don't think it has set in that I will never see him again.

A lot of times I think I am dealing with his death better then I imagined - because of the things I witnessed in his last days alive. I think right now, I am still so traumatized over watching him die, that I can't truly feel anything about him being dead. I know soon it will catch up to me. Right now I try not to let my mind go to the places it wants to go. Every once and a while an image of my dad on his death bed pops into my head. I try to shake it out and replace it with a good image of a fond memory. But it is hard. I don't think I will truly be able to heal until I grieve. And for some reason, I am still so numb that I can't grieve. It's a very odd cycle.

I can't believe that it has been a week and a day since my dad passed. It doesn't seem like that long - but then it also seems like a lifetime ago.

I don't think reality has sunk in yet. I still feel pretty numb. I know someday soon, it is going to hit me, and then it will be very hard for me.

Right now, the best way to explain my emotions, is that I am very sad. I miss my dad. I know he is in a better place, and he has sent us several signs now, but I just miss him. I am sad knowing that I will not see him again in my lifetime. I am sad because McKenna still doesn't get it. I wonder how long it is before she forgets him?

The last week has been so hectic, and I am just trying to catch my breath now.