Bumps in the Road

Bad weeks

2012-02-10T15:56:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow starts the start of a few bad weeks. Tomorrow I have to go say goodbye to my Grandpa Maass. The second grandfather I've had to say goodbye to in 5 months. He is not doing well, and they are going to take him off all his meds. It is going to be hard. I was always close to him and my grandma growing up. I have a lot of guilt of not visiting them more since my dad died. It is just so hard though. It makes me miss my dad, and I always leave bawling. I am trying to realize that my grandpa is 93, and has lived an amazing life. He'll be with my dad and uncle Jerry, and my baby girl.

Next week on the 16th is my dad's birthday. Then the following week on the 21st is the 2nd anniversary of his passing. Sigh. I really despise February. I don't like this month at all.

2011-12-14T16:33:00.002-06:00

Again...it's been way too long since my last post! I am a firm believer that if you blog, you should blog often, or people will stop reading your stuff! So please don't give up on my blog! I promise to write more often!

I just finished my last final yesterday. I got 95% in both classes! Yay me. I am exhausted thinking about next semester. It would be so nice to have free time again. The reason I am continuing my education, is because it has always been a personal goal of mine. Plus I want to set a good example for my girls someday. How do I tell them they need to go to college, if I never did? I know my dad would be super proud of me. He never went onto school, so I know he was proud of me and my siste when we did.

I had a melt down about my dad the other day. I made my grandma's peppernut cookies. The last time I made them was for the last Christmas my dad was with us. It's crazy how something as simple as cookies can send me into an emotional breakdown over my dad. The breakdowns do come less often now, but when they do, watch out. The dam breaks open, and it's hard to shut it off!

I think my dad came and visited me. I know that sounds weird. I started a prayer journal where I write down all of my prayers. I figure too often I say - "I'll pray for you," but then never follow through. This way, when I write down my prayers, I am truly praying for all the people I want too. Well one of my prayers went something like - please God, let me feel my dad's presence. Let me know he is with you, and continues to be with me.

Well it was a few nights later I woke up at 3 a.m. and just felt like he was there. Jason was out of town hunting, so it was just me in bed. The only way I can describe it - is the feeling you get when you know someone has entered the room, without actually seeing them. I just felt a presence. And I felt like it was my dad. I actually had to finally say out loud - "okay, thanks dad. Got the message loud and clear. I need to sleep now." Because I couldn't sleep because I felt like I was being watched. Ever since then, I've felt an inner peace.

This weekend we have Christmas with my dad's family. That is always hard. I have been a bad granddaughter and have not visited my grandparents in a while. It's so hard. I leave there crying. Seeing them in the condition they are, plus it just makes me miss my dad. I did make the peppernuts for my grandma though. Hope she likes them.

If I don't post before Christmas - I hope you all have a fantastic and magical holiday!

2011-11-04T14:43:00.005-05:00

I know it's been way too long since I have update my blog! My life is just plain crazy busy! Between the girls, school, work, Nevaeh's Rainbow project, and everything in between, I have been swamped!!!

I am on my second month of Copaxone now. I wish I could say it was going good, or that it was helping, but sadly so far it is not. I have read that it can take 6-9 months to start working. My eye is still funky. I've also been having some other crazy and very annoying symptoms. For instance today my foot went completly numb. It still is. Feels like it is asleep and really heavy. It makes me almost walk with a limp. I also have this crazy painful nerve thing going on with my pinky finger on my left hand. And of course I still have the ever annoying muscle spasms and twitches. And the pure exhaustion and fatigue.

I've really been trying to keep my chin up and stay positive - but frankly, I am so damn tired of feeling like shit. It's been six months now. And I think I can count on my fingers the number of days that I have felt great. The rest of the days I have felt like crap. I just wonder if feeling like crap is my new normal? Feeling like crap is going to be a good thing compared to feeling really horrible? I just wonder if it is always going to be this way. And that really depresses me.

I wish I could talk to Jason about all of this, but it's really hard. I don't want to freak him out about it all. I want to try to be strong for him and the girls. But I think I am nearing my breaking point and will have a mental breakdown sometime soon.

Since being diagnosed my exercise schedule has been really awful. The only thing I can really tolerate is Yoga - and that is even much harder than it use to be. So besides feeling like crap, I feel like I am gaining weight, and so my self esteem is going down the tubes too. It all just really sucks.

I wish I had more help with the girls when I feel so crappy. But with Jason being self-employed, he works long hours. And I can't make him come home to take care of the girls when he is working and supporting our family. Plus it just drives me nuts that I would even think of asking for help with the girls. I want to be able to take care of them. I just feel like such an awful mom sometimes. All I want to do is go home and rest.

There are so many crazy things going on with my body - it is hard to decipher what is really MS - and what isn't? I just really hate dealing with this. But again, I keep telling myself how much worse it could really be.

My mom started her new job as a Plasma tech. She really likes it. The pay is not great, but they have awesome benefits. I think she likes not having to stress about work once she leaves work. She doesn't take her job home with her. Jerry got a job at a hardware store in Shawano. That will be good for him too. Things are looking up for them - and I am so happy. They really deserve it!

McKenna and Macey both had birthdays in October. Man I can't believe they are 4 and 2 already. Time goes by so fast! Every morning or night when they see a star - they say that it is PaPa looking down on them! This morning McKenna was singing twinkle twinkle little start - and saying she was singing it to PaPa. It is comforting thinking about how maybe, just maybe, that really is him looking down on us. I miss him so much. Probably now more than ever when I feel so crappy. He always made me feel better...or at least make me laugh for awhile and forget I felt to crappy.

So that is about all for now. I promise to update my blog more often!!!

Rest in peace Grandpa Damro

2011-09-28T12:39:00.003-05:00

My Grandpa passed away this past weekend. Even though it was expected, it was still sad. I think the reason I felt the most horrible is because I bawled way harder when he died then I did for my dad. And the funeral too. I know in part it is because with my dad I had cried for a year before. I cried with every surgery,every hospitilization, and every bad test result.

My grandpa was a great man! He recently got to go on the Honor Glory flight to see the World War II memorial. I am so happy he got to see it before he took a turn for the worse.

I am also so glad I got to say goodbye. It will alway be a cherished memory for me.

John Damro (1923 - 2011)
24, 2011, after a series of long illnesses. Jack was born Feb. 6, 1923, in Kaukauna, where he was a lifelong resident with his beloved wife and best friend of 65 years, Louise Damro (Berg). In addition to Louise, Jack is survived by his nine children, Dottie (Don) Beeching, Lynda (Bill) Schuh, Carol (George) Miraben, Colleen Maass (friend Jerry Cady), Joyce (Tim) Gaffney, Mark (Mary Beth) Damro, Ken Damro, Mary Mathews and Hollie (Blake) Jersey.

Jack graduated from Kaukauna High School in 1942. He served in the military during World War II as a corporal in the Headquarters Battery 217th Field Artillery Battalion and was a member of American Legion Post 2930. Jack recently celebrated his military service when he was invited to join the Aug. 25, 2011 Old Glory Honor Flight to Washington D.C. with fellow area World War II veterans and his doctor and friend, Dr. Al Cherkasky. Jack had a career in the Kaukauna Postal Service, retiring in March, 1983.

Jack is also survived by his 13 grandchildren, Tim and James Bauer, Rob and J.J. Schuh and Tammy Baylog, Nicole Onesti and Mandy Maass, Caitlin Gaffney, Mike and Natalie Damro, Breana Mathews and Brock and Cole Jersey; by 17 great-grandchildren, and by his brother, Dick Damro; brother-in-law, Roman Berg; and sisters-in-law, Leone Lamers and Marge Berg.

Jack was preceded in death by his parents, Helmer and Bernice (Guilfoyle) Damro; brother, Charlie Domro and sisters, Alice Berg and Ruth Diedrich; son-in-law, Ron Maass and great-granddaughter, Nevaeh Onesti; niece, Lynne (Tuttle) Domro and nephew, Dan Domro.

Jack will be remembered as a loving, honest, spirited and fun-filled husband, family patriarch, friend, and a God-loving man. He and Louise bowled at The Bowling Bar and Village Lanes, golfed at Countryside Golf Course and were Ranch Bar regulars where Jack was a member of the softball team. When they danced the jitterbug at Cabaret Dance Club the floor cleared as everyone watched and cheered their every swing move.

Jack was an avid sportsman, fisherman and hunter. He was a loyal Packers, Badgers and Brewers fan. He loved games, especially cards with Louise. The two of them were lovers of the outdoors. Jack and Louise took the kids on vacation "Up North" every summer and later had a cabin in Athelstane, Wisconsin. Jack instilled a love of nature in his family: singing and whistling with the birds, tending his backyard purple martin colony and spending family time in natural settings.

Some of Jack's more recent favorite times have been family reunions with kids running everywhere, water fights, games, long talks, an audience for storytelling and lots of laughter. Everyone who has known Jack is familiar with his storytelling, jokes and sense of humor. He was even able to create humor and happiness during his final days in hospice care at St Paul's Senior Services Rehabilitation Center.

Jack's service to Kaukauna continued after his retirement from the Postal Service. He was a St. Vincent DePaul volunteer, a Meals on Wheels volunteer and a proud member of the St. Aloysius Funeral Choir. Jack would ask to be remembered as an honest, just and positive man who made his family and friends feel happy about life and left them smiling.

2011-09-15T15:53:00.001-05:00

My copaxone finally got approved by my insurance. I am so grateful to have good medical insurance. The drug will only cost me $15 a month. A home healthcare nurse is coming over tonight to show me how to inject it. I am nervous. I hate shots. I can't imagine having to do this for the rest of my life. But I know diabetics and a lot of other people do it, and after awhile I hope it is no big deal.

I am still doing about the same. Eye still flashy, muscles twitchy (although the medication I have is helping some) and still exhausted beyone belief. I would have to say that is the most frustrating symptom of all. Last weekend I went to a baby shower, and was exhausted. Had to lay down and take a 2 hour nap when I got home. Now tell me how something like that can exhaust you? It's so frustrating!

2011-09-07T08:35:00.002-05:00

Today I read the obituary of my 8th grade English teacher. She died of kidney cancer. Another person that has died from the dreadful form of cancer. Everyone says how rare it is, but I hear of it more and more. I just wonder why more research is not going into this cancer, to find more treatment options.

I am sad for my old teacher, her name was Mrs. Ellis when she taught me. She just got diagnosed in April. She also has 3 young kids. My aunt sent me a link to her caring bridge site, I guess she has been following her story. I read some, but it was too hard. Brought back too many emotions, and was too familiar to me. Her caring bridge site for anyone else interested is:

On a side note, please say some prayers for my Grandpa Damro, and my entire mom's side of the family. He has been in the hospital for a week now with a brain bleed. The prognosis is not good.

2011-08-31T08:12:00.002-05:00

The past month has been crazy busy! I can't believe this upcomming weekend is Labor Day already! Although I love Fall, I am so not ready for the Winter and return of my nemesis - snow.

I started one of my new medications - the one for my muscle twitching. It works pretty good, but it makes me so drowsy! And the dreams I have, man they are so vivid. I think I am so tired just from all the weird dreams.

The one symptom that I hate the worse of MS is the fatigue. Especially after an kind of activity, but especially excersice. Usually excersice is suppose to give you more energy, well not me. I've always noticed that when I work out on my lunches, I am falling asleep at my desk in the afternoons. On Monday I just walked on the treadmill for 15 minutes and did the stationary bike for 15 minutes. I was so beat in the afternoon, I think I literally nodded off at my desk a few times. It is so frustrating.

I've always been one that is very sensitive about my weight. The only thing that makes me feel better about myself is being able to work out. Now I feel like I can't even do that. And I can really tell in my stomach area that I have gained weight. I hate it. If being sick and not feeling well wasn't bad enough, now I can add low self esteem and body issues to the bag of emotions as well. I am hoping once I start all my meds, and have been on them awhile, things will get better.

Officially MS

2011-08-22T12:50:00.003-05:00

I saw my nuerologist today. Based on my symptoms, and my positive spinal tap, he is definetly diagnosing this as MS. At first he was a little hesitant because all my MRI's came back clean, but when he found out my family history, and how all of their tests came back clean too, he decided to just diagnose it MS. I am confident in that diagnosis. As much as it sucks, I know in my heart that this is what it is. I've had issue after issue for the past two years, and all of it can be linked back to MS.

He prescribed me a drug for my fatigue, as well as a seperate drug for my muscle twitches. I will also be starting copaxane in the upcomming weeks. I hope that by starting copaxane, it will keep the disease at bay, and hopefully it will give some of my symptoms some relief also. I am still hoping for my eye to go back to normal.

I am so thankful for my mom. She was there with me today. I have watched her live her life with this disease, so I know it is possible..

Overwhelmed

2011-08-17T07:40:00.002-05:00

So I think I've passed the "shock" phase of my potential diagnosis. Because all of the sudden, I just keep thinking how bad this sucks.

I am really sick of feeling like crap. The past few weeks have been very difficult. I am so exhausted. Exhuastion is actually an understatement. By 1:00 I am almost falling asleep at my desk. The drive home is awful. I almost need to call someone on my cell phone just to stay awake. Then when I get home, all I want to do is lay down and rest, but I have the girls to take care of. I feel really horrible for the girls. I feel like a bad mom not being able to play and be active with them.

Jason has been finishing a job in Wausau. So he has been leaving home by 6:30 in the morning, and not getting home until 8:30 at night or sometimes later. So it leaves me doing everything around the house, and everything with the girls. And I think that is why I have been feeling like crap. I know with MS, stress and pushing your body to the limits is the worse thing. It is so frustrating.

Last night when I went to bed, it felt like someone was sticking a hot poker into the bottom of my foot. It was not pleasant. Then anytime I try to fall asleep, I have muscle spasms through out my whole body. Mainly in my legs and arms. They twitch, pretty violently, and wake me up. But most the time I am so tired, I can sleep through the most of it.

Mentally, I hate feeling like this. My memory sucks lately. In fact at the beginning of this episode this summer, I even forgot my pin number to my debit card. I had to have them resend it to me. I use to have such a sharp memory, and this is really frustrating. I also have no attention span. I feel like a kid with ADD. It's really hard to stay focused on tasks at hand. All of these symptoms together have left me feeling a bit depressed and have such a short fuse. And I hate that. I end up having such short patience with my kids, and end up yelling at them. I feel like such a bad mom sometimes.

All this makes me also feel bad for Jason. He works so hard. Over 65 hours a week. Do I have any right to complain to him how tired I am? It just doesn't seem right. That's what makes me so sad and frustrated. I need help sometimes, and I feel to guilty asking him for it. I feel bad that Jason and my girls will have to live with this the rest of their lives too. It obviously just doesn't effect me.

I just so want to feel better, and get back to my old self. I am not sure if that is possible or not. But I am holding out hope that a combination of the Copaxane and drugs for fatigue will help.

2011-08-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had more testing done. I was suppose to get a MRI of my spine done, but the MRI machine broke. Imagine that - just my luck. So I actually have to go back tomorrow and have that done.

I had 3 evoked potential tests done. One on my vision, one on my upper body, and the other one on my lower body. I was scared! I thought this would be quite painful, considering they send electrical impulses through you, to see how the nerves react. It wasn't bad at all. I was actually really suprised.

Of course I have no results yet. This whole summer has just been one waiting game after another. I go back to see the neurologist on September 6th. The same day my fall semester classes start at UWGB. I hope I don't get overwhelmed this semester with going back to school, plus trying to figure out this MS thing and get treatment. I just want to feel better soon!!!

Diagnosis

2011-08-05T09:43:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I got my spinal tap results back, and was told they came back positive for the markers of Multiple Sclerosis. I can't say I am all the surprised. I think I have know that this would be the diagnosis for quite awhile now. I've had several comlications and issues that I have been dealing with for a couple of years now. It can all point back to MS now. I am a little relieved to get the diagnosis actually, as I was beginning to think I was crazy with all the weird stuff I have been experiencing. They think my eye can also be from the MS.

So what's next? Well, next week I have to undergo some more testing. I have to have a MRI of my spine to check for lesions there. I also have to undergo 3 evoked potential tests. Those tests check the function of your nerve pathways. After that, it will be another waiting game until I meet with the neurologist on 9/6.

I am thinking I may check out a different neurologist. I really like the one I have, but he specializes in pain management, so he is not a specialist when it comes to MS. I think I may check out Marshfield Clinic again, as they have been so AWESOME in dealing with my eye. They seem like they actually care, and they are constantly calling to follow up with me.

I will have to decide whether or not to go on treatment. I know some people would think that is a no-brainer, but there are a lot of things to think about when weighing it out. First the medication is very expensive. So I need to figure out how my insurance would cover it. Secondly, it's not just a little pill that you swallow every day. Most the treatments are intramuscular injections. Thirdly, the medications all can have nasty side effects. These are all things that I need to think about. I do want to do anything I can in my power though to slow down the progression of this disease.

So how am I? I am actually doing good. Call it shock, or denial, or whatever, but I am ok! Like I said, it is actually a relief. Of course I worry about the future. That is only natural. I worry about my mobility, and being able to care for my kids. I worry for the health of my girls. I don't want them to get this some day either!

I've seen my mom live through this disease. I know it can be done. Will it suck? Yes! Will there be pain? Yes! Will there be moments of pity for myself and asking, "why me"? I am sure there will! But I am just thankful it is not a terminal disease. MS treatments have come so far in the last 10 years. I am hopeful that I will be able to live a fairly normal and very long life!!

This is just another bump in the road for me....

Family Vacation

2011-07-27T13:26:00.004-05:00

Last Saturday we started a 4 day long family vacation! Our first ever with the girls! My mom and Jerry rented a cabin in Lakewood, and invited my family, and my sister's family to come up and stay with them for a few days.

We had so much fun!! We went to the zoo, went to the beach, went on boat rides, and hung out by the campfire. It was such a blast. The girls were well behaved, and I think they had tons of fun.

I did get teary eyed one time on a boat ride. I told Jason it made me think of my dad, and the tears just started flowing. I have so many memories of being on a boat fishing and camping with him. In fact, the beach we went to, I went to as a little girl with my family. So it was a little bittersweet. I wished it could have been a complete family vacation with my dad there, but he was with us in spirit. We told lots of funny stories about my dad around the campfire!!

Here are some pictures of our vacation:

2011-07-21T07:58:00.002-05:00

I survived my spinal tap yesterday! It was not even half as bad as I thought it would be! I think the sedation worked by calming me down. I was alert the whole time, and remember all of it. But I didn't even know they were doing the procedure! The only thing I felt was when they took the needle out, and that just barely hurt!

Hoping within a couple weeks MS can be ruled out. My eye is still all flashy. I am going to start Valtrex tomorrow as an experiemental treatment.

2011-07-18T12:48:00.003-05:00

I brought the girls to Bay Beach this weekend. It was so much fun! The girls had such a blast. McKenna, my little daredevil, would have gone on any ride I let her. She was bored with the boats and cars and ladybugs. She however loved the big slide and the swings. Macey on the other hand was more timid. She was very petrified of the carousel, which I kind of find funny in some weird way! But she had fun, and especially loved the train ride. The rest of the weekend she would randomly call out "choo choo".

Macey was so exhausted that she ended up falling asleep in the high chair at McDonald's. I thought it was hilarious!

I am very proud of my mom. She went on the Zippin Pippin rollercoaster! Her first time ever being on one! She said it was her last time too! But she was very happy that she did it! She has been trying to do something new everyday. She also cleaned fish for the first time last week! I give her so much credit.

I also went on the Zippin Pippin. I got to experience my neice Taylor's first time on a rollercoaster. It was great. I wish I could have taken a picture of her face! I think she kept her eyes closed the entire time. Love making memories with my family!!!

2011-07-14T14:37:00.001-05:00

Still have a disco party in my eye. I talked to the doctor in Marshfield today, and he is going to wean me off of the steroids. He also agreed to try the Valtrex as an experiemental treatment. So once I am weaned off of the steroids I can try that. I really hope it works. Please say some prayers that it works. I am going crazy with this flashing! I am ready to declare myself a pirate and wear an eye patch every day!!

Nevaeh's Angel Anniversary

2011-07-11T08:14:00.002-05:00

Today is 5 years ago that I lost my first little girl. I can't believe it's been five years already. The sadness and emptiness never goes away.

Please go out today and do a random act of kindness in Nevaeh's memory.

I am also delivering my first carepacks in her memory today. You can ready about it here:
http://nevaehsrainbow.wordpress.com/posts/

2011-07-08T15:20:00.002-05:00

There never seems to be a dull moment in my life lately! I had Macey at urgent care on the 4th with a 103 fever. She was diagnosed with a double ear infection. After two more days at home (one day with me, and one day with her cousin Taylor) she was finally well enough to go back to daycare.

Last night I pick up McKenna and lo and behold she has a 103 fever. To avoid missing any more work this week, I decided to take her into urgent care. I thought maybe it was strep throat. But the rapid test came back negative, so most likely she just has a virus. Probably the same virus Macey had, but Macey had an ear infection with it.

So McKenna is home with my niece Taylor today. Thank god she is on summer vacation and she can help out!

I am just so sick of doctors, co-pays, medication, and taking PTO time for doctor appointments. Never did I think I would spend almost all my PTO this summer on seeing doctors - most of which trying to diagnose my stupid eye.

My eye is still not better. If anything, the flashing is getting worse. So I will try the steroids for one more week, and if there is no improvement or it seems to keep getting worse, I am going to ask to be weaned off of them. A certain peace has come over me about my eye. I guess I have just come to accept that I may have a permanent disco party in my eye. It's not the worse thing I guess. I mean at least I still have some vision. It could be worse. Just another bump in the road we call life.

On a happy note - my mom had a job interview last week. They called one of her references this week, so I think that is a good sign. Keeping my fingers crossed that it comes through for her!

2011-07-07T07:43:00.001-05:00

So I am on my third day of the steroids, and so far no change in my vision. Kind of sad about that, but I wasn't very optomistic. I have been doing some research on line on this condition, and some people have had success in using Valtrex to treat it. Which is weird since it is a herpes medication, but what is weirder is I did have a cold sore the week before I lost my vision, so it is possible it could all be related. So when Marshfield clinic calls this week, I think I am going to mention it to him. I mean why not try it?

Yesterday I enrolled for my first classes at UWGB this fall. I am going back to pursue my Bachelors degree. It will be a Bachelors of Applied Science degree with an emphasis on corporate communication. I am very excited, but also very nervous! I work full-time and I am a mom, so I just hope it is not too much to handle. All of my classes will be on-line, so the good thing is I can always use my lunch hour if needed to do my classes. I am very excited. This is something I've been wanting to do for many years, and have finally just taken the plunge and decided it was now or never. It's funny, both my sister and me are going to college at the same time, pursuing Bachelor degrees. My dad would be so proud of us!!

2011-07-01T08:21:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to Marshfield Clinic for my eye. The doctor there was really nice. He seems to think it is this very rare eye condition where a small part of your retina gets inflammed. He called it "retinaitis". He said he's only diagnosed two other women with it in his career, and both were pregnant. No, I am not pregnant (that I know of)! He said in both of their cases, it subsided once they had their baby. Since that is obviously not a possabibility for me, he gave me some oral steroids to try. He said he can't guarantee it will work. But he hopes eventually the condition will just improve on it's own.

He still can't tie this condition to all the other weird stuff I have been having such as the vertigo, weird perception issues, memory issues, and speech issues I have been having. So I decided I am still going to go forth with the Spinal tap. Just so I have peace of mind - knowing that everything is ruled out. I have that scheduled for July 20th.

Eye Update

2011-06-24T09:30:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I met with the neurologist. He suggested the next step should be a spinal tap. He did see some very small, very faint white spots on my brain on the MRI, which could be a start of MS.

I know I have to do the spinal tap - but I am so scared! I am so scared for the pain of it! I am so scared to find out the answers and diagnoses. I know I am so close to getting answers...I know I have to go through with it.

Next Wednesday I am seeing a retinal specialist, and on Thursday I am going to Marshfield clinic to see a neuro-opthamalogist. Getting "my eye" diagnosed has become almost a full-time job. I never would have thought I would be wasting all my vacation time this summer on a stupid eye. This Sunday marks one month since the flashing light and loss of vision began. I just pray there is something they can do to fix it.

Jesus in my heart

2011-06-22T16:06:00.003-05:00

So last Friday Jason and I had dinner with Pastor Dan from the Assembly of God church in Shawano. I started attending the church this past winter. I love the church that I grew up in - but it is just to far away to be practical for my family.

This church is much different than what I am accustomed too. They sing a lot. But not just sing - they praise and worship God through their songs. At first I thought it was a little weird, but now I love it. Every service I see someone moved to tears. I have cried many times at one of the pastor's messages. That is why I have been so touched with this church.

I had a lot of questions. This pastor talked a lot about the rapture. It was a concept that I didn't remember learning a lot about growing up. I had a whole list of questions. My sister in law who attends the same church, offered to have us to dinner with the pastor.

It was so great to sit down and have a "Bible 101" talk with someone. I never understood the old and new testaments. I never understood a lot about religion. I think I learned it all at an age that I didn't really feel the need to know it. And at an age I was just going to confirmation classes because it was the thing to do.

The part that I took away most from the conversation was that you can believe in Jesus in your mind, but if you don't have him in your heart, it doesn't do much good. I totally get this. It wasn't long ago that I had a "come to Jesus moment" where I really felt him in my heart. I've always believed, and I've always tried to live my life through Christ, but now I really have him in my heart.

I wonder if my dad had him in his heart. I think he did. He never came out and said it - but I know the last month of his life he was very spiritual. The pastor said it doesn't matter when you claim Christ as your savior, as long as you do. I feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life. A chapter I can't wait to share and teach to my children.

Eye update

2011-06-21T13:52:00.002-05:00

I had a second MRI with contrast last Friday. No surprise - it came back normal. So my opthamologist suggested I go see a neuro-opthamologist. Since there are none in the area, and they are hard to get into, I decided to see another opthamologist for a second opinion.

He got all of my info faxed over, and examined my eyes again. He came up with two potential diagnosises - Accute idiopathic blind spot enlargement syndrome or acute zonal occult outer retnopathy (AZOOR). He is leaning more towards the blind spot syndrome. Both things are very rare. In fact, I can hardly find anything on the internet about them. He said he has never diagnosed these before in his career.

So the next step is to see a retina specialist. The specialist may be able confirm one of these diagnoses. The good news is I won't go blind. The bad news is that the flashing light and the blind spot may never go away. I haven't been able to fathom that yet. I am just pretty happy to finally have some answers and to have found a doctor that took the time to diagnosis me.

Fathers Day

2011-06-17T08:17:00.003-05:00

Well this weekend is Fathers Day. Such a bittersweet day for me. I love celebrating and honoring the fact that Jason is such a wonderful engaged dad to my kids. But the day also brings me so much sadness.

No card or gift to buy for my dad. No calling my dad and wishing him happy fathers day. No cookouts with my mom and dad to celebrate what a great dad he is. I can't give him any hugs and words of appreciation. Now all I can do is quietly remember him in my own mind. I hope and pray that he feels my love and appreciation - although we are seperated by life and death.

I try to remember my dad as the strong and amazing man that he was. But sometimes the visions of him weak and sick are all that I can picture. It seems like just yesterday that he was here with us. I just miss my dad. And I don't say it often enough. I miss my dad.

Prayers

2011-06-13T08:20:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone. Looking for prayers for me. I am on my 15th day of loosing sight in my left eye. I've had a lot of crazy issues going on, and I am praying for a resolution and diagnosis.

For 3 months now I have been having some episodes of wicked vertigo and dizzy spells. On May 5th when I thought I had a migrane. I started with some weird visual disturbances and numb lips. But I never really got a headache. The next two weeks I had some weird issues with my vision and hands. When I looked at my hands and arms they looked funny and they wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. It was very weird, and very hard for me to even explain it.

I went to the doctor and explained my vertigo and weird vision symptoms. I was told by her that maybe I had anxiety issues and should take some xanax. I was so mad. I knew that I did not have any anxiety, and I was not crazy. So I left there and made my own appointment with a neurologist, who in turned ordered an MRI.

The following week I was outside playing with my kids when I saw a flash of yellow light in my left eye. The next day my left eye had a constant strobe light in it - and I couldn't see out of the flashing part what so ever. Of course this was really worrisome to me, and very annoying. It's really hard to look at a computer screen, and even drive when you have only one eye.

I saw the neurologist last Monday, and she said everything on my MRI came back normal - although they didn't order one with contrast. She kept hinting that she thought this was all maybe related to a migrane - although I don't think that is the case. They drew 6 vials of blood from me to check everything you can imagine: Lymes disease, Lupus, thyroid, viatamin defficiencies, complete blood count. She also ordered a sleep deprived EEG and me to see an Opthamologist.

I saw the Opthamologist last Wednesday. He dilated my eyes and looked at my retina and my optic nerve. He said that everything looked fine. He chalked it up to my eyes aging, and the gel settling in my eyes. He told me to come back in a month - and to also come back on Friday for some visual feild tests, even thought he thought those would come back normal.

I was so frustrated. I got the feeling that he wasn't taking my eye sight very seriously. To make matters worse, Thursday night my right foot went numb. It feels like it is asleep - constantly.

I went back on Friday and had the vision field tests. The nurse indicated something wasn't right, and told me she wanted me to see the doctor before I left. The doctor came in and told me I had no vision in my left optic nerve. I wanted to say to him - duh, I know - that's what I have been trying to tell you. I also told him about my new symptom of the numb foot. I could tell that all of the sudden he believed me and was more worried about what was going on. He said he was going to call my neurologist and would have them call me this week.

So that is where it stands. I have to go back to the eye doctor on Thursday. I hope they can give me steroids or something to get my vision back. I just want to know what is wrong with me. Whatever it is. I'll get through it - but I want to know. There's nothing more awful than not feeling well, and having doctors tell you that you are crazy, or not taking it seriously.

Happy Birthday Nevaeh

2011-06-01T07:12:00.002-05:00

Today would be Nevaeh’s 5th birthday. It’s hard to imagine that I would have a 5-year-old. I wonder what my life would be like if she was still here. I know it wouldn’t be easy – but is life meant to be easy? I know we would have a lot of challenges, and each of her milestones would be so much sweeter. All I can do now is remember the short six weeks she was here on earth with us, and look forward to the day I see her again. It brings me peace knowing that my dad is now up in heaven with his sweet granddaughter. We forever have a guardian angel looking over us.

Although the pain has eased in the past 5 years, it has never – or will never – go away. A parent should never have to lose a child. It is a pain and a deep ache in your heart that can never be explained unless you have experienced it for yourself. It’s like there is this missing piece of you. The day I lost Nevaeh, I lost a piece of my soul that I can never get back.

Everyone please take the time to hug your beautiful children today and tell them how much you love them. I know I plan to do that with McKenna and Macey. I also plan on singing happy birthday to Nevaeh tonight with the girls. I think McKenna is finally at an age that I can start teaching her and telling her about her big sister Nevaeh.

I am also very excited to announce Nevaeh's Rainbow Project. I really wanted to do something special in Nevaeh's memory. And I got thinking - why don't I sign up to provide care packages to the local NICU? I've always wanted to do something, and a light bulb clicked on. So I contacted St. Vincent's hospital, and they graciously accepted me offer to provide care packs and memory boxes. So I am in the process of buying all the things for the first few packs. I hope eventually to get donations to cover some of the items, or get items donated. It's a great cause, I just don't have a lot of money to support it. But I plan on giving every spare penny I have to the cause. I started up a website, that is a work in progress, but please feel free to visit it and pass it on:
http://nevaehsrainbow.wordpress.com/

2011-05-26T14:04:00.002-05:00

Well even though my mom has a new set of stresses - I am very happy to see her back to herself. Her job was taking such a toll on her mind and health, it is nice to see her back to normal. She is still searching for jobs, so please keep her in mind if you know of anything.

This past Sunday would have been my parents 35th wedding anniversary. I bought my mom roses. It was a promise I made to my dad before he died. He was such a romantic, I wanted to assure him I would still buy flowers for my mom.

Next week Wednesday would be Nevaeh's 5th birthday. I can't beleive she would be 5 already. Somtimes that part of my life seems like it was just a dream....

In honor of her birthday I want to do something special. I found an organization that gives angel memory boxes and NICU care packages to parents in the Madison area. It's really cool. I would love to do something like that in Nevaeh's honor. I just don't know how to get started. But in the meantime I think I plan on donating some items that they use in the packages and memory boxes. They have a very neat website if you want to check them out:

http://mikaylasgraceblog.blogspot.com/p/angel-memory-boxes.html

2011-05-12T10:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, so my mom got fired from her job yesterday after 22 years at Humana. I can honestly say - I've never wanted to go a hunt someone down and punch them in the face, as much as I did to my mom's former boss yesterday. I am better than that though. Instead I will use my words. I plan on sending her boss' an e-mail thanking them for treating her with such a lack of empathy and compassion the entire time my dad was dying.

I know in the long run, my mom is going to be so much happier without this job. She will be under way less stress. She'll new stress with money and no insurance, but I think she will be happier in the long run.

Please say some prayers for my mom that the right opportunity comes her way. I hate that she has had to go through so much pain and stress the last 18 months.

2011-05-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Well my mom got let go from her job today after 22 years. Please say some prayers for her.

2011-05-09T08:58:00.002-05:00

I've been having a really tough time missing my dad lately. Not sure why. It was strange, yesterday was Mother's day, but I was really missing my dad.

I visited my grandparents on Saturday...that is always so hard. I look at my grandpa, and I see so much of my dad. Everywhere I look there are family pictures with my dad in them. I know I need to get over that, because my dad would want me to visit them more, but it is just really painful. I ended up bawling on my way out. I feel so bad, because I know my grandparents like to see me - probably for the very same reason it is hard for me to see them - I remind them of my dad. I know they probably feel like they get to see a peice of him by seeing me....and it's kind of the same way for me when seeing them. But for me instead of it being comforting, it just hurts really bad.

2011-05-04T14:09:00.002-05:00

Please say some extra prayers for my mom. She's going through a particular rough patch right now. Her employer was not so nice to her when my dad was dying, and that continues to be the case. I feel so bad for her, and so helpless. Everyhing she has been through the last year, it's no fair. I know she is a strong woman, and god only gives a person as much as they can handle, but this is getting to be so much. I am very worried about her. I pray day and night for her to find a new job. She just needs a fresh start. At a place that will have compassion and sympathy. I find it very pathetic that an employer would treat an employee that has been with a company for 22 years with such a lack of empathy or compassion after loosing a loved one.

2011-04-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

This past weekend was Easter, and it brought back so many wonderful memories of growing up with my dad! My dad was the best Easter egg hider who ever lived! He would find the most perfectly clever spot to hide an egg - and when we would find them, we would laugh at his creativity.

He didn't hide plastic eggs either. He hid the real deal - the hard boiled eggs that we colored the day before. It's amazing to me that we never ended up with stinky rotten eggs in our house.

We begged my dad to hide Easter eggs long after we knew the Easter bunny didn't exist. I remember us being in high school and expecting him to hide the eggs for us. Ah - good times! It's the little things that I have come to appreciate so much about my dad any my childhood. I'm so thankful that my childhood and my dad is worth remembering.

2011-04-13T12:46:00.002-05:00

I know it's been awhile since I wrote. I apologize! It's been crazy busy lately.

On March 26th I did the Relay for Life walk in Shawano. I raised $100 for the American Cancer Society. I would have liked to raise more, but I always feel bad asking people for money for these kinds of things!!

The walk went really good, and the girls had fun too. I actually broke down several times during the walk. The first time was during the survivor lap. I kept thinking - my dad should be here walking this lap. Then when they did the luminary ceremony, I really lost it. They kept saying that the luminary laps were a time to grieve, and a time to remember. I just bawled, and bawled. I was totally mentally drained when I got home. I know that I don't allow myself to break down enough...so it was a good thing.

"Heaven is for Real"

2011-03-21T10:41:00.002-05:00

I read the best book this weekend - in four hours. It is called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. This book is awesome! It is a true story about a little four year old boy that almost died of a ruptured appendix. After his surgery and recovery, he started talking to his parents about how he visited heaven. He told them what they were doing while he was in surgery. He told them all about his great-grandfather that he met in heaven, but didn't know anything about him before his surgery. He also told them about his sister he met in heaven - a baby that his mom miscarried, but never told the boy about.

This book will make you think, and make you truly believe that there is life after death. When it is told so innocently by a four year old with no misconceptions or reasons to lie - it is hard not to believe.

Go Seymour

2011-03-18T08:59:00.003-05:00

The Seymour boys basket ball team has made it down to state again this year. I have so many fond memories of watching the state game with my dad. Seymour has gone to state alot the last 15 years. Ever since I was out of high school, and they would make it to state, I would take off the afternoon that they played, and go watch it with my dad. We'd call my mom during the game and give her updates.

Today as they go down to state again, I am missing my dad. Watching the game with him was our special thing. We always did it, just me and him. So today him being absent for that tradition makes me super sad, and makes me miss him so much more.

Relay for Life

2011-03-15T08:50:00.002-05:00

So I've been a really big slacker and I have NO donations yet for my Relay for Life that I am doing to benefit Cancer on March 26th. If anyone wants to donate even a couple dollars towards a really great cause, you can donate on-line.

Please consider making a donation to help the American Cancer Society create a world with less cancer and more birthdays.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11MW?px=4791862&pg=personal&fr_id=31232

2011-03-14T15:58:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a crazy dream. I had a dream my dad was trying to tell me all about heaven. I don't remember alot, but I do remember waking up really upset.

Could be all the stress in my life at the moment. Jason hasn't been working the past three months, and our savings our dwindling down to nothing. It took us three years to save up for a decent down payment on a house, and now within three months it is pretty much gone. I keep praying that something comes up. Since it is almost Spring, there is more of a chance of something. But so far he doesn't have any big houses or long-term projects. I am really worried. So is he. He's applied for a lot of jobs, he would really like to get out of self-employment, but in this economy, it is just really tough. Even though he has a Bachelor's degree, I think people look at his resume, and they don't really look at his self-employment as job experience. Although knowing Jason and what he does, I know that is not the case. I know he does more and works harder being self-employed. He works a lot of night, and a lot of weekends.

I hate to post all of this on here, but I am just really stressed out about this! In the 13 years we've been together, Jason has never not worked for more than a few weeks. And even in this tough economic time, we've been so fortunate. I know this too shall pass, and he'll hopefully find something soon. And all I can do is keep praying, and hope that the right thing comes along.

2011-03-08T10:23:00.002-06:00

I am thinking of my sister and her boyfriend Greg. Greg lost his mom on Saturday. She's had a long battle with diabetes and kidney failure. She's been on hospice for awhile now.

I've come to realize, no matter how old you are, the death of a parent is still hurtful. It doesn't matter if you are an adult or not, but everyone needs and wants their parents.

I went to the wake last night, and it was the first time being at the funeral home that we had my dad's wake at. It was weird. It looked like the same exact casket that was rented (used when there is a showing but the person is being cremated)for my dad. It was weird coming to the realization that my dad's body could have been in that same exact casket.

I could still picture my dad in his leather jacket in the casket. It still seems so unreal. Sometimes I can't believe he is gone!

2011-03-01T09:41:00.002-06:00

Life has been crazy this winter. Our house has been full of sickness. Seems like one of us has been sick non-stop since October. I am thankful that last year we had a great sick-free winter, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to visit and spend time with my dad.

McKenna is getting her second set of tubes put in her ears this Friday. The first set she has in are not functioning anymore. And we are on our second ear infection in the last 2 months. The ENT just recommened that we put in another set, and hopefully that will last us another year.

Made it one year

2011-02-22T15:29:00.003-06:00

Well, yesterday was the dreaded one year anniversary of my dad's death. It went better than I thought it would. Originally I had plans to meet up with my sister and my mom, and for us to spend the entire day together. But as luck had it, we had a huge snowstorm Sunday night that dumped 12 inches of snow on us!! I finally was able to get the girls off to daycare at about 9:30. Then I got ready, and decided to head to my mom's house, and just take the drive slow.

I made it to my mom's at about 11:30. We decided that we were going to continue with our plans and go to the mall for a little retail therapy. It was a really stupid decision, as the roads were horrible!! But I haven't had a vacation day just for me in so long, I was determined to get some shopping done! We had a blast shopping and getting our mind of things for awhile. Man...did I spend too much money. Shopping when you are sad, is never a good idea!!

We did have many tearful moments through the day. I had my first meltdown when Jason pulled me close for a hug before I left. I always try to hold it in and put on a strong face. Then I listened to all my dad's favorite and some of his funeral songs on the drive. Me and my mom and sister had a lot of tearful reminiscing on our drive to the mall. I took time to remember him through my facebook status, as well as the poem I posted on here.

I am proud how I handled it. I think I made the day the best I could. I took time to reflect, to remember, but to also get my mind off things. I did happen to just gaze at the clock at 7:59 p.m. - the time of his death. And I thought wow...it really has been a year. I can't believe sometimes that it has been that long!

One year ago...

2011-02-21T10:35:00.002-06:00

I lost my hero.
I lost someone who was there for me my whole life.
I lost someone who knew where I came from, and was proud of where I was going.
I lost someone who could light up the room with his smile and laugh.
I lost someone who taught me about the meaning of life.
I lost someone who taught me about the meaning of death.
I lost someone who taught me to smile when times get rough.
I lost someone who when faced with death, was more concerned about the family he was leaving behind.
I lost someone who can never be replaced.
I lost someone who can never be forgotten.
I lost a peice of my heart and life I can never get back.
I lost my daughters' grandpa.
I lost my dad.

Happy Birthday Dad

2011-02-16T08:13:00.002-06:00

Today my dad would have been 62. Still seems too young too die. I don't have much to say today, other than I am really missing my dad today and am really sad.

This picture is from my dad's 50th surprise birthday party we threw him.

2011-02-15T07:56:00.002-06:00

Last night I had a major meltdown about my dad. This is going to be a very long, very tough week. Yesterday was Valentine's day, tomorrow is his birthday, and then Monday is the year marker that he passed away. I don't know why the feelings of sadness cultivate around the year marker of his death. I mean I am sad all the time, but this week it is worse. I just keep thinking how last year at this time, we were planning a surprise birthday party for my dad...and he was still here. It just seems like so long ago. It seems more like a decade that I haven't seen him. It just plain sucks. When I read the obituaries in the paper in the mornings, and I see all of these 80 and 90 year old's passing away, I feel so cheated. I should have had 20 years with my dad yet. My dad should have been able to see his grandchildren grow. He should have been able to retire with dignity and enjoy life to the fullest with doing the things he enjoyed. Instead I feel like he got cheated. I feel like I got cheated.

Go Packers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-02-07T08:54:00.002-06:00

We are superbowl champs!!! Last time I witnessed the Packers winning a superbowl, my dad was there watching it with me, and I was 17. I was sad that my dad couldn't be part of this Packer season. He would have loved this season, and loved watching the game. I can still picture my dad watching the Packer game every Sunday when I was growing up. Sometimes he would be reading the paper during the game, peering over the top of the paper and over his bifocals when a good play happened. I can't help but wonder if my dad put a word in with the big guy this year, and helped the Packers along on their road to victory!!!

2011-01-26T09:08:00.002-06:00

I am sure my dad is smiling down from heaven as the Packers move onto the superbowl!!

I am not sure what it is, probably the time of year, but I really miss my dad. I find myself saying it outloud. "I miss my dad right now." I think how I have dealt with my dad's death all of this time, is I really don't let myself feel. Everytime I start to feel that ache in my heart, I just shut it off. I know it is probably not healthy, but it is the best coping mechanism that I have at this point. I think it's how I deal with a majority of things in my life. It's easier to let yourself not feel I guess.

Two important days are coming up. My dad's birthday on February 16th, and a year since he died, February 21st. That is going to be a hard day. My mom and sister and I all plan on taking off. We'll probably watch the video my sister put together of him. I don't want too. It's too painful. Again, I would rather just shut my feelings off than have to deal with them. But I know it is an important day, and a day that should be spent remembering my dad. It just sucks. I don't want to have to remember him. I want him here right now. Everytime I see my girls, I get sad knowing how much my dad would love the stages they are in. He was such a great papa. And such a great dad. And there is this gaping hole in my heart that can never be repaired. And sometimes, as much as I try, the pain can't be shut off or ignored.

Go Packers

2011-01-20T11:36:00.001-06:00

I can't help but wonder if my dad is really smiling down from Heaven this football season. We loved both the Wisconsin Badgers and the Packers. In fact, that is why I am such a huge Packers fan. I have so many fond memories of watching the Packers every Sunday with him. He would have loved watching the Badgers and Packers this year!!!

One of my dad's Packer sweatshirts has become my "lucky" sweatshirt. I wore it when I went to the game against the Giants. We did so well, that if became the lucky shirt - and it has been working ever since. You better believe I am going to be wearing that baby this weekend when we play the bears.

I hope we win....my dad would have wanted it that way!!!

The American Cancer Society - 2011 Relay For Life of Shawano/Menominee:

2011-01-19T09:01:00.000-06:00

The American Cancer Society - 2011 Relay For Life of Shawano/Menominee:

2011-01-18T08:15:00.002-06:00

I am so worried about my mom lately. Her finances and her job really concern me. She is absolutely miserable at her job. And I don't blame her. Even through my dad's death, her boss and company was horrible to her. They would make her feel guilty for not coming into work when my dad was on his deathbed. It's just crazy to me that an employer can treat their employees so bad.

She feels like she is trapped there. She is 57 and feels like a lot of companies don't want her anymore. And if she does find a job..they can't pay her what she makes now, and she can't afford any kind of pay cut whatsoever right now. She is already living paycheck to paycheck.

I feel so helpless. The kind of person that I am, I take on other people's problems like there are my own. I can't stop thinking and worrying about her. I keep praying to god, and to my dad, that something comes along to get her out of her job and into something better. I even wanted to win the lottery - just so I could pay off her house, and give her money to retire. I feel so lost not being able to help her. In a way I feel like I am not keeping my word to my dad that I would take care of her. I wish there was something I could do.

Dreams

2011-01-10T13:15:00.002-06:00

Had some wonderful dreams of my dad this past weekend. They were wonderful because he was his old healthy self. I can't really recall what the dream was even about - but I know some of it was just the good ole days of camping as a family. I love these kinds of dreams. Anything where I get to "see" my dad again is a wonderful thing. After I dream about him, it sticks with me all day. I feel renewed in my faith that I will see him again someday!

2011-01-07T15:37:00.002-06:00

I hate going a week without posting on this blog, but I don't really have anything worth saying lately!! The time of year is tough...it was about this time last year my dad quit his treatments. We thought we would have more time with him though...

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T10:41:00.002-06:00

As we get ready to put 2010 behind us, I find myself reflecting on the past year. It's been a tough one. 2010 is a year that I will always remember - but unfortunately I'll remember it as the year that I lost my dad.

We've all gone through so many changes and transformations in the last year. We've experience so many firsts without my dad. Macey's first birthday, my 30th birthday - and the first without my dad calling to sing to me - the first labor day without my dad at the pond, the first holidays without buying him gifts, or having him there.

2010 has been very sad in all of those respects, but it has also been happy in many ways. Most of all we have to remember that we survived loosing my dad. Although extremly difficult, we made it through. Loosing someone so beloved can potentially ruin people, and spoil their attitude towards life. I am so proud of my family for embracing my dad's death as a time to make us all stronger and closer.

I am so proud of my mom for embracing being able to love someone new. Although Jerry will never be my dad, we are happy that he makes my mom happy.

I am so proud of my sister. 2011 is going to bring big change to her. She is going back to school after loosing her job. She is going to be the first one in our family with a Bachelor's degree. My dad would be so proud of her.

I am proud of myself for using my dad's death as a time to become closer to God. I may not go to church every week, but the experience has definetly left me seeking deep within my soul for answers, peace, and forgiveness for all of the miracles that were unanswered.

First Christmas Without Dad

2010-12-27T09:45:00.003-06:00

Well we made it through our first Christmas without my dad. I am really proud of us - we made it through the day without any tears at all. We just wanted to make it a happy and fun day for the kids.

My nephew ended up with the stomach flu, so him and my sister left after opening presents. That was really sad for me, because it wasn't the same without her there either!

My neice and nephew loved their memory bears. They were made out of my dad's pants. McKenna at one point told me she was very sad because she missed her papa very much. It was very weird, and very out of the blue. But it makes me happy knowing she still remembers him and thinks about him.

My First Christmas in Heaven

2010-12-25T19:21:00.000-06:00

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

T-Shirt Quilt

2010-12-22T13:17:00.002-06:00

This is my mom's Christmas present. It's a quilt made out of my dad's t-shirts. I had one made for my sister too, but the quilting won't be done by Christmas. I am also having one made for me. It turned out so awesome. My mom is going to love it. What a great way to save all of his favorite t-shirts and display them in a cool way!!

2010-12-20T09:09:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we celebrated Christmas with my dad's family. It was hard. There was a lot of tears. It was fine until Christmas Carolers from our church came in and sang Silent Night. My mom always cries at Silent Night - but of course it was way different this year. I looked at my mom and grandma and sister crying, and no matter how hard I tried - I couldn't hold it together. The rest of the day was really hard to compose myself. Any little thing set me off. Especially Christmas music. I think it brings back the many memories of Christmas with my dad. It brings me back to when I was a little girl. When my daddy was there, and all seemed right in the world.

I am looking forward to Christmas - but I also can't wait until it's over. Unfortunately Christmas is one of the last "first milestones" we need to make it through without my dad. The only thing left is his birthday and the year anniversary of this death.

2010-12-17T12:13:00.002-06:00

As Christmas gets nearer and nearer - it just reminds me even more that this will be our first Christmas without dad here. I was wrapping a present this week, and the gift bag I was using was recycled from a previous Christmas. On the tag it said - Love mom and dad. It was an instant reminder that there would be no gifts for or from dad this year.

My mom had a hard time decorating the tree this year. A lot of her ornaments are homemade from us as kids - and a lot have all of our names on them - even my dad's. So that was a reminder to her that my dad is not here this year either.

I still plan to make the best of this Christmas. Last year was the worse Christmas possible. My dad got admitted the day after Christmas because his bowel reperforated. Christmas was spent tending to my dad, and panicking, and wondering if we should bring him to the ER. He was also really out of it, and didn't know where we were or who he was.

So because of that, I plan to make it the best Christmas possible. I am sure there will be tears and sadness, but I want it to also be happy. I know dad is there with us in spirit. How awesome for him - he gets to spend his first Christmas in Heaven. He gets to spend it with his brother Jerry, and grandbaby. I can only imagine what all of the christmas lights look like from up in Heaven. Yes - I know he'll be smiling down on us, and sending us lots of warm fuzzy memories all day.

2010-12-07T09:58:00.002-06:00

Today it was announced that Elizabeth Edwards is loosing her battle with Cancer. She will be stopping her treatment. Knowing she is a mother of two small children, my heart literally aches for her. She released a statement on Facebook, and I thought her words were so brave and such a good reminder to all of us that are still healthy.

"You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human.

"But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know."

Milestones

2010-12-06T14:12:00.003-06:00

We've had some major milestones in our house this past weekend! McKenna pooped on the potty two nights in a row! She's never done it two days in a row before. And never in my life did I ever think poop would be so exciting to me!!!

Macey got off forumla last week, and this weekend we took her bottle away from her. It was so nice not having to wash one single bottle the whole weekend. It is also bittersweet as that officially means she is not a baby anymore (sniff, sniff).

It was weird dropping McKenna off in undies today, and Macey without any bottles. My kids are growing up so fast!

Obituary

2010-11-30T10:33:00.002-06:00

I just read my dad's obituary again. Not sure why. I came across it in my documents. Although I wrote it, I felt like I was reading it for the first time again. I was so numb when I wrote it, I forgot what it all said.

Although an obituary sums up a person's life - there is no amount of white space in the world that could hold the amazing qualities that my dad possesed. The qualities that made him so unique and loved by so many people.

Just because I think it's important to really remember who he was, I am reposting his obituary.

Ronald Maass, 61, passed away on Sunday evening, February 21, 2010, with his loving family by his side as God called him home after a brave and courageous battle with kidney Cancer. Ronald was born February 16, 1949, in Seymour. He graduated from Seymour High School in 1967.

The most important part of his life was his wife Colleen. They were married on May 22,1976; they resided in Seymour until 1999, when they moved onto their dream property in Black Creek. Ron was a true romantic — always surprising Colleen with gifts and flowers. The overwhelming impression they gave to everyone who knew them was that of an abiding love, respect, friendship and a true partnership.

He welcomed two daughters, Mandy in 1977 and Nikki in 1980 — who were the sunshine of his life. And so his journey of fatherhood began, with all its joys, fears, disappointments, and triumphs. Ron was an amazing father. He was always there for his kids and had a knack for making them smile when going through the trials and tribulations of life. Eleven years ago he became a grandpa for the first time and he was thankful he was able to develop a relationship with Taylor, Trenton, and McKenna. He was the best Papa and always had the time to fish, play, or read to his grandchildren. He cherished every minute he spent recently with his newest granddaughter Macey.

Ron was a true outdoor enthusiast and was happiest with a fishing pole or rifle in his hand and his trusty Golden Lab, Chloe by his side. He loved to deer hunt, turkey hunt, and specially goose and duck hunt. He was gifted in woodworking, taxidermy and gardening. Ron found pleasure, peace and joy in nature's beauty. He liked to walk or four wheel around his land, watch the birds from his patio, or sit on the pier of his pond. He was always up for a good campfire and a Diet Mountain Dew with a shot of attitude with his family and friends.

His infectious smile, distinctive laugh, and sense of humor could instantly make anyone feel better. Even during his roughest days of fighting Cancer, he still had a knack for cracking jokes and lighting up the room with his smile. And while the disease may have taken him, it never beat him. He was an amazing man, with amazing talent and a shining, irrepressible spirit. And though he's gone, he'll always keep shining.

Ron is welcomed in heaven by his brother, Jerry Maass; granddaughter, Nevaeh Onesti; sister-in-law, Mary; and close friends, Kenny, Cindy, and Lynn.

Christmas Tree Time

2010-11-29T16:04:00.002-06:00

Jason and McKenna cutting down our tree:

First Ornament being put on by McKenna:

McKenna putting on the star:

Thanksgiving Past

2010-11-29T15:54:00.003-06:00

Well I made it through Thanksgiving. I only got a little teary eyed once. For some reason I have so much Christmas spirit this year. I have almost all of my shopping done, all of my Christmas cards addressed, and my tree and decorations up.

I know having a three year old on Christmas this year is going to be magical. This is the first year she really gets it. It is so much fun. Santa had lots of fun shopping for her, and went way overboard!!

I've already decided that Christmas is going to be a great day. No tears. Just memories, smiles, and lots of thoughts about my dad. He would want us to enjoy the day. Especially for the kid's sakes. Even though we will be wearing smiles, I know that my dad will know how sad our hearts really are that he is not there.

2010-11-23T09:28:00.002-06:00

I went to little Devin's wake last night. It was very hard seeing him lie in that casket. And what do you say to the parents? There is nothing you can say except your sorry for thier loss.

I have been grappling since last Thursday on why God would take this little boy. I've come to the realization that we'll never know why. Only God knows why. We just need to trust in God and understand he loves us, and doesn't do this to us to hurt us.

Devin's organs were donated to four special children. And maybe that was his purpose in this life. To be a hero and save four other children's lives. It is sad he had to die, in order for other children to live.

Macey got sent home from daycare last night with a fever and rash. I panicked and freaked out. After rushing her to the doctor, the reassured me that she would be ok -and put her on antibiotics for an ear infection. But seriously, could there be a worse time for one of my kids to get sick? I am going to be a wreck and a freak for a long time. Unfortunately any little fever is going to warrant a doctor's visit in my book.

My heart just feels so heavy. I know a lot of it is the sudden death of Devin. I know a lot of it is the time of year. My dad loved this time of year. Loved deer hunting. Last year at this time we were preparing for what we all figured would be our last Thanksgiving together. It doesn't seem right that my dad will not be at another Thanksgiving dinner. God, does this ever get easier?? I am waiting for the day that I am not constantly saddened by missing my dad.

Devastating Loss

2010-11-19T09:06:00.002-06:00

A little boy that goes to my girl's daycare passed away yesterday from meningitis. This has shook me to the core. I have been bawling since last night when I found out. I am devestated for the family. One day your child is healthy, and the nexy he is gone. Why does this stuff happen? I wish I knew the reason.

This has brought back so many emotions of me losing Nevaeh. I know what the family is going through, but even I can't imagine losing a four year old. Nevaeh was only 6 weeks old. Yes it was devastating, but I can't fathom losing McKenna or Macey now. I literally would die.

I think because I lost a child, I am even more a freak about my kids contracting the meningitis. We were assured that it would be very rare for anyone else to get it. Since it is the bacterial kind and not viral, there is no preventative antibiotics. Last night, every time one of the girs moaned or made any noise in their sleep, I was right on top of them. I am a wreck. Yes it would be rare, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. Something like this really opens your eyes. Now every stomach bug or headache, I am going to be in panic mode.

I haven't told McKenna yet about her little friend. I don't think she'll understand anyways. I don't understand. I wish I could know and tell her why. But I can't. It really tests your faith going through something like this. I have a hard time putting my arms around God and faith and life when something as tragic as this happens.

Rest in peace Devin. I'll miss seeing your smiling face and bubbly personality every morning.

Wow - 10,000 hits

2010-11-18T08:36:00.002-06:00

I just noticed I've had over 10,000 hits on my blog. That is awesome! It's hard to believe that a blog I meant to have as a "pregnancy journal" has turned into so much more.

I know that a lot of people read when my dad was having surgeries for updates. I am amazed that people still read this to be honest! I think a lot of things I write are probably boring to most people.

Writing on this blog is the one true place that I can express all of my feelings. And I am thankful that you all continue to read and share my journey!!

Death in general

2010-11-16T08:51:00.003-06:00

I hate death. I know death is a part of life, but I hate it. I hate the fact that it can be unexpected. I hate the fact that in a blink of an eye your whole world can change. I hate the fact that at some point we are all going to die...but we can't control it and we don't know when or how.

Maybe it's because I've experienced a lot of death in my life the past five years. My daughter passed away in my arms. I saw my dad take his last breaths. I've lost several family memebers and friends. But death totally freaks me out.

I think I probably think about death more than the average person. I read the obituaries every day. I worry every day that something is going to happen to Jason or my kids...or me. I am not afraid to die...I know that there is a life for me after death, but I am afraid to die for my kid's sakes. I want to be here for them. And I want their dad to be here for them. I am scared everyday that someone I know is going to be ripped away from me. I know this is not healthy. I know we can't control it, so why worry? But I really can't help it. I think it's because I've experienced two close people being ripped away from me in an instant. I don't want to experience that despair again.

Jason thinks I'm crazy, over bearing and overprotective when I beg him to call me when he gets to work. Or how I freak out when he gets home 10 minutes late from work. But I don't ever want to get the phone call saying he was in an accident.

I think it really all stems back to Nevaeh's death. It's when I realized that we are not invincible, and bad things happen, and people die. I just remember the helplessness feeling and the praying and begging and barganing with god. I felt like my own life was ending and the breath from the chest was being ripped from me. I wish no one on earth ever had to feel that way. Especially me or my kids or family.

Prayers

2010-11-15T11:14:00.002-06:00

My cousin's ex-husband, and the father of her seven year old son and my god-child got into a bad car accident Sunday morning. He is not doing good and may not make it. Please say an extra prayer for my cousin, her son, and both families.

Cell Phone Update

2010-11-12T10:27:00.002-06:00

So we did get some answers regarding the cell phone call. But it is still a crazy outcome.

My sister called my dad's cell phone number and a lady named Lauren answered. My sister told her she recieved 3 calls from her phone. Lauren explained to my sister that she had a voicemail from my sisters phone...and on it there was a little girl looking for her mom. My sister told Lauren that was impossible because her kids were older. She also explained to Lauren how her number was my dad's old number, and how he passed away 8 months ago. Lauren said she had goose bumps.

I really do think it was my dad working through Lauren to send a well needed sign to my sister. I mean, what are the odds that the person who has my dad's old number would call someone he knew? I think it is too big of a coincidence.

This has been another hard week for me. Not sure why. I visited my mom this week, and it's like as soon as I walk into her house, I'm hit with the fact that my dad isn't there. An instant sadness fills my heart. I can still smell him in the house. And I can picture him sitting on his favorite recliner, or grilling on the back porch. I just miss him so much. It still hurts so bad.

Phone calls from heaven

2010-11-08T13:28:00.002-06:00

So the craziest thing happened this past weekend. My sister recieved three phone calls from my dad's cell phone. His phone was deactivated months ago. She said when she answered no one was there, and then the number called her back twice more. Each time it came up on her cell phone as "dad mobile". It is so strange. Of course I am trying to research logical and scientific explanation for it, but do kind of like the thought of dad calling us from Heaven.

My Little Ham

2010-11-02T08:34:00.001-05:00

Had to share this fun video of Macey!

Happy Birthday Macey

2010-10-29T07:44:00.004-05:00

Wow. I can't believe Macey is turning one already. The last year flew by so fast! I know part of it is the fact that her first four months of life were so crazy with my dad being sick.

In some crazy ways, Macey saved me more than she will ever know. When I would come home from a long day at the hospital with my dad, there was this tiny little baby reminding me that I had something else I needed to focus on other than my dad's illness. And when my dad passed away, I had this little baby to remind me that there is life after death. Having her in my belly all the months that my dad were so sick, kept me sane. I had to stay healthy and calm - for her sake.

Macey's personality is totally evolving! She is going to definetly be a little stinker!! She now can walk, and she has two new shiny teeth. She is such a little cuddler. Loves to snuggle up. When she sees strangers, she'll hold out her arms and wants to go by just about anyone. I've really enjoyed this past year watching her hit all of her milestones, and experiencing all the firsts with her.

Dream

2010-10-26T07:45:00.002-05:00

I had the most amazing experience last night, and I am sure when I share this, there are lots of you who may think I am nuts!

I had a very "real like" dream about my dad. I can't remember what he said or what he was telling me. But I remember it was something important. And it was something about death and his death. It's driving me nuts that I can't remember more of the details.

But all of the sudden I jolted awake, and I was literally sobbing and crying. My pillow was wet with tears.

I called my mom this morning to tell her about it, and cried the whole time. That's how real it was.

Random Memory

2010-10-25T13:44:00.003-05:00

Meeting Macey

In honor of Macey's birthday, this is my random memory for the week. In all honesty, I really hate looking at this photo. My dad looks so fragile and sick. This is also around the time we began to realize that my dad's cancer was way more serious than we thought.

In this photo, Macey is a couple days old. My dad had just been discharged from the hospital a couple weeks before from his perforated bowel surgery. He was too weak, and his immune system too compromised to come to the hospital to meet Macey. So we made a special trip over there the following week she was born so my dad could meet her.

As I placed Macey into my dad's arms - for a brief moment it looked like every worry melted away. He was just so elated to meet his newest granddaughter. I know it was a bittersweet moment for me, because deep down, I knew my dad wasn't going to be able to hold her much, or get to know her, or watch her grow. But I am thankful that my dad was able to meet her and that I have this picture to share with Macey someday.

Letters from the Heart

2010-10-21T12:07:00.002-05:00

Before my dad passed away, he wrote a letter to my neice Taylor and nephew Trenton. It was agreed that the letters would be given to them on each of their birthdays. My nephew celebrated his birthday on Saturday, and finally got his letter from Papa.

I think what the letter contains is a true testament to my dad's character. He told Trenton to be a leader and not a follower. To help people and treat them good. To do well in school. To listen to his mom because she always wants the best for him. He told him that he enjoyed taking him on the four wheeler.

I haven't read the letter since my dad passed (he let me read it as he was writing it) and I don't think I am ready. As Trenton was telling me the contents of the letter, I got really weepy. But what a great thing for Trenton to have and hold for the rest of his life. I am kind of sad that my dad never got around to writing my girls' letters. He just got too bad too fast. But I know it wouldn't mean as much as it will to Taylor and Trenton, because my girls sadly will not remember him.

In some ways I am glad that we knew my dad was dying ahead of time. Because he was able to write these letters, and tell us everything he ever wanted too. And I think that has been one of the greatest gifts he has given any of us.

What We Can't Explain at the End of Life: Who and What You See Before You Die

2010-10-19T15:28:00.001-05:00

This article which is also written by David Kessler and featured on Oprah.com, gives me so much hope and joy - knowing I am going to see my dad again. I think we lose focus about that fact not long after our loved ones die. I think we get so wrapped up in grief, and we forget that beyond this life, there is a spiritual life waiting for us. This article reminded me of that fact.

Throughout my years of working with the dying and the bereaved, I have noticed commonly shared experiences that remain beyond our ability to explain and fully understand. The first are visions. As the dying see less of this world, some people appear to begin looking into the world to come. It's not unusual for the dying to have visions, often of someone who has already passed on. Your loved one may tell you that his deceased father visited him last night, or your loved one might speak to his mom as if she were there in the room at that time.

It was almost 15 years ago that I was sitting at the bedside of my teacher, Elisabeth Kübler Ross', when she turned to me and asked, "What do you think about the deceased visiting those on their deathbeds to greet them?" I replied quickly, showing my knowledge back to her: "You're speaking of deathbed visions, most likely caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain or a side effect of morphine." She looked at me and sighed, "It will come with maturity."

I thought to myself: "Maturity? What did maturity have to do with anything?" Now, years later, I look at the events we still can't explain that happen at the end of life and realize what Elisabeth was saying. It would be arrogant to think we can explain everything, especially when it comes to dying. My mother died when I was still a preteen. My father remained an incredible optimist his whole life, even when he was dying. I was busy trying to make sure he was comfortable and pain-free, and at first didn't notice he had become very sad. He told me how much he was going to miss me once he was gone. And then he mentioned how much he was saying goodbye to: his loved ones, his favorite foods, the sky, the outdoors and a million other things of this world. He was overcome by sadness I could not (and would not) take away from him.

My father was very down-hearted for the next few days. But then one morning he told me my mother, his wife, had come to him the night before. "David, she was here for me," he said with an excitement I had not seen in him in years. "I was looking at all I was losing, and I'd forgotten that I was going to be with her again. I'm going to see her soon." He looked at me as he realized I would still remain here. Then he added, "We'll be there waiting for you." Over the next two days, his demeanor changed dramatically. He had gone from a hopeless dying man with only death in front of him to a hopeful man who was going to be reunited with the love of his life. My father lived with hope and also died with it.

When I started compiling examples to include in my book Visions, Trips and Crowded Rooms: Who and What You See Before You Die, I was surprised by how similar they were. In fact, it was hard to pick which ones to use because they were all so much alike. Now I realize the very thing that makes them repetitious is also what makes them unique. As someone who has spent most of my life writing, teaching and working with the dying, I can't prove to you that my father's vision was real. I can only talk about my experience as a son and about countless other occurrences that take place every day. I used to believe the only thing we needed to alleviate was the suffering of the dying by providing good pain management and symptom control. I know now that we have more—we have the "who" and "what" we see before we die, which is perhaps the greatest comfort to the dying.

Some interesting and unexplainable items about deathbed visions:

Visions people experience at the end of life are remarkably similar.

The dying are most often visited by their mothers. It shouldn't be too surprising that the person who is actually present as we cross the threshold of life and take our first breaths once again appears at the threshold as we take our last breaths.

Hands passionately reaching upward to some unseen force is witnessed in many deathbed encounters.

Visions mostly occur toward a corner of the room.

Those family members at a deathbed are not able to see the vision or participate in the conversation.

Visions usually occur hours to weeks before death.

Visions don't seem to appear in other frightening situations where death is not likely, such as stuck in an elevator, lost in a foreign city or lost hiking.

If you find the concept of a dead loved one greeting you on your deathbed impossible or ridiculous, consider what I finally realized as a parent: You protect your children from household dangers. You hold their hands when they cross the street on their first day of school. You take care of them when they have the flu, and you see them through as many milestones as you can. Now fast-forward 70 years after you, yourself, have passed away. What if there really is an afterlife and you receive a message that your son or daughter will be dying soon? If you were allowed to go to your child, wouldn't you?

While death may look like a loss to the living, the last hours of a dying person may very well be filled with fullness rather than emptiness.

The morning my dad passed away, he was reaching up at the ceiling towards something. That was a moment in my life that I will never forget. I just wish I knew who he had been reaching for!!!

Why Birth Is Not a Beginning and Death is Not an End

2010-10-19T09:05:00.002-05:00

I found this article on Oprah.com this morning. It was a reawakening to me. I wanted to share it. Hopefully you will find it as insightful and inspiring as I did.

As John Adams, our second president, lay on his deathbed, his last words were, "Jefferson still lives." What he didn't know was that our third president, Thomas Jefferson, had died a few hours earlier. Both men died on July 4, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. You may think this is about to become a history lesson, but it's not. It is a discussion of the afterlife and an exploration of the question: "Do we really die?" Many believe that for Adams there were deathbed visions of a world yet to come. As we die, the veil between life and death is lowered for the dying. You would be surprised to look into the afterlife and see someone there waiting whom you thought was in our earthy world of the living. I believe, as many others do, that John Adams saw his friend waiting for him and realized not only that death is not an ending, but that we continue to live. Jefferson lives!

We have all been taught that, if nothing else, death is the end—our end. Death is a broad traveler in our society today. It is sometimes the result of violence, sometimes a kind act of nature, sometimes the end of a long disease. We watch it in our homes on TV, we pay to see it on movie screens and we play with it in video games. Perhaps we hope that the more we view it, the less we will fear it. Albert Einstein pointed out that time is not constant, it's relative to the observer. For now, we can only observe time and the dying. As my work has brought me closer to this unwanted visitor, I have found more peace in death, and I have come to know on a very personal level that it is not an ending.

We live in time and die in time. While we inhabit our bodies, time is a useful measurement. Yet it has only as much value as we give it. Webster's Dictionary defines time as "an interval separating two points on a continuum." Birth appears to be the beginning, and death appears to be the end, but they are not—they are just points on a continuum.

Two weeks before my father died, I moved him into my apartment. I had a hospital bed brought into the living room. There he would receive one visitor after another. In the evening, friends and family would pull up chairs surrounding his bed. In illness as in health, he was the center of attention. The circle of loved ones remained right up to his death. After he died, we spent time with him, but we suddenly realized his body was no longer given any attention. His body was no longer the center of attention. We were still talking, crying and laughing, but our body language and our focus was now on his spirit and not his body.

If you have been with a loved one who has died, you quickly see that his spirit has left his body. That spirit that is beyond description that made our loved one who he is—a father...or a mother—is forever gone from its earthly body. The spark of life has left. Before us lies the body, like a suit of clothes he wore his whole life. We love it. We are familiar with the look of it, and yet we know that who the body is...is so much more. And that "so much more," also known as his spirit, no longer dwells in the body.

None of us knows what will happen after death, but I believe—if you look deep inside, deep in your soul—you will know you have always existed and always will. Spirit is eternal. If you think back, you'll remember you never felt as if you didn't exist before you were born into this life. Rather, you felt as if you always existed and always will. That's why this death will not be an ending. You may not have life as you know it once you die, but you will continue. If you have lost a loved one, he still continues. The dying still exist. Now when someone I know is dying, I don't say goodbye anymore, I just say...until we meet again. Marianne Williamson always reminds those at her lectures about A Course in Miracles that birth is not a beginning and death is not an ending. There is a shift from the body identification to the spiritual identification.

I was so gratified after the last article I wrote about how many people were willing to share their stories about deathbed visions on Oprah.com, Facebook and Twitter. These people who decided to share their stories online are a validation that our loved ones live on. And for each person who shared a story online, there were probably hundreds to thousands who have stories they didn't share.

We must continue to examine the meaning of death because death is central to the meaning of life. If death is an enemy that triumphs over us when our lives end, if death is a horrible trick of nature that defeats us and our health, then our lives are meaningless. But if we understand that we are born, we flourish and when our time comes we die physically but not spiritually, we will live our lives from a meaningful place and live our deaths in a meaningful way.

No one can really claim to understand death, unless they have actually died. We're only observers until our time comes. What I teach about death is what I have learned from it. While my medical training touched on the subject, I learned most of what I know about death from the countless people I have had the privilege of caring for, and sharing with, in these most precious, final moments. What I know for sure is that love is a house that even death cannot knock down.

David Kessler is the author of Visions, Trips and Crowded Rooms (May 2010).

Happy Birthday McKenna

2010-10-07T16:17:00.002-05:00

Happy 3rd birthday to my wonderful princess McKenna!! I can't believe she is three years old already. Where does time go?

McKenna will never understand how much she means to me, or how much she saved me. She was the sunshine for me after a long rainstorm. I didn't replace Nevaeh, but McKenna came at a time that showed me that it was possible to love another child, and that life had to go on.

McKenna reminds me so much of my dad. She has this little spirit that is so energetic and bubbly, and she is so funny! She definetly loves to be the center of attention.

I am sad my dad is not here to witness McKenna's birthday, but I know he is here is spirit, and definetly looking down on us.

Random Memory

2010-10-04T13:31:00.002-05:00

McKenna is Born

In honor of McKenna's third birthday this week, I had to post this picture. I remember how proud and happy my dad looked when he held McKenna in the hospital for the first time. I think it was especially happy for him, since he was with me the day Nevaeh passed.

I remember my dad was suppose to have a work meeting, but he called and told them he was not going as he had to meet his new granddaughter. My dad was such a great PaPa. Him and McKenna really had a strong bond. I am sad that he is not here this year to see her another year older. I know how much he would be enjoying her right now - and how much she would love him.

2010-09-28T13:47:00.003-05:00

Watching the Packers this season makes me miss my dad. I am the huge Packer fan that I am because of my dad. I really miss watching the games with him. I just miss him all around right now. It must be the time of year, because lately I have been having a really hard time. Right now I am in the angry stage. I am very angry that Cancer happened to him and to our family. I am very angry I had to see my dad like that. I am angry that my kids won't remember what a wonderful man he was. I am angry that I am planning Macey's first birthday party and my dad won't be there. I am angry that death has to be part of life. I am just angry. And I know it's okay to be angry. I know it's part of the grieving process.

Dreams

2010-09-24T09:33:00.002-05:00

The last two nights I've had some pretty intense dreams of my dad. The reason this is very weird, is because this is the first time since he has passed, that I have had any dreams about him. I use to wish I would have some dreams with him, just so I could see his face again in some sense.

This weekend marks a year ago that my dad went into the hospital with his perforated colon. A year ago is when my personal hell really started. I am not sure if that is why all of the sudden I am dreaming about my dad.

I dreamt last night that he had the chemo hooked up to his port and he was saying to me "If I do this one last chemo, I really think it is going to literally kill me this time." So I reached over and yanked the chemo out of his port as fast as I could.

The dream Wednesday night I saw his healthy smiling face, and he was telling a joke. He was always really good at telling jokes. He was so animated, and would really get you going so the punchline was extra funny.

Although I am happy that I saw his smiling face in some sense again, it also makes me sad. I miss him so much. And even when I have happy moments, I am fully not completly happy, as there will always be a part of me sad and dead. It is true what they say - when a loved one dies, a peice of you dies too.

Random Memory

2010-09-20T10:05:00.002-05:00

Games

This picture makes me smile for two reasons. It reminds me of all of the "family game nights" we had as a family growing up. This game day was on Christmas morning. We would usually get a new board game every Christmas, and then we would play that game as a family on Christmas day. This game was Guesstures - like Charades, and my dad was so good at it!! We kept the game day tradition up to just a few years ago. Once my kids were born, it was to hard to play games and entertain kids. The second reason this picture makes me smile is because of my dad's red sweat pants. He must have had those pants for ten years, because I have so many memories with him wearing those pants!! He'd wear them camping, lounging, fishing, but thankfully never in public!

Random Memory

2010-09-17T10:23:00.002-05:00

Boating

Some of my best memories of my dad include fishing and camping. Our family vacations were always camping for a week during the summer. My dad is the one who taught me to fish. I know my dad was frustrated by my fishing skills. I never wanted to actually touch the fish and take them off my line. I eventually learned how to bait my hook (only worms, I left the minnows and leeches to my dad). I even would buy fishing tackle and lures on vacation, and started my very own tackle box.

My dad would not have a lot of patience for me in the fishing boat. A lot of times it was our whole family in the boat, so there wasn't a lot of room. I would always get snagged. I also lost patience very fast if the fish were not biting. I would get bored and sprawl out in the boat and try to catch some rays from the sun, or read a book.

My best fishing memory is when we were on vacation at Kentuck Lake in Eagle River. The crappies were biting phenomenally. The were actually boiling to the surface. You could throw a bare hook in, and get a bite. That will always remain the funnest fishing trip to me. Even though my dad had to take like 100 fish off my line that night, I know he still had loads of fun too.

Random Memory

2010-09-16T10:04:00.002-05:00

The Sweatshirt

I bought my dad this sweatshirt for Christmas one year. I was young and in high school, and when they didn't have my dad's size of XL, well I thought - "3-XL can't be that much bigger, right?" So I bought the sweatshirt and when my dad opened it, he immediately laughed and was flabbergasted at how big it was!! In fact, it was so large, that me and him could fit in it together. Which is what we exactly did for this photo opportunity!!

Random Memory

2010-09-15T08:38:00.003-05:00

Playing Doctor

This picture makes me laugh!! My dad was the best dad growing up and was always very involved. I think what made him such a great dad was sense of humor and his willingness to act like a kid again! I was very young when this picture was taken, but I still do remember him letting us do this to him several times.

Random Memory

2010-09-14T15:53:00.007-05:00

Every once and awhile I feel compelled to go through old photos of my dad. It brings me both joy and sorrow. I love remembering how he looked and the memories we had, but then the ache shoots through my heart as I remember just how much I miss him. For some reason photos make me sad and bring me back to the reality that he is really gone an never coming back.

I want these memories to live on, and the photos to be shared, no matter how much it hurts. So I am going to share some random photos and the memories I have about them. It's my way of keeping my dad's spirit and memory living.

Graduation

The first photo is from my graduation from the Tech. I remember the day vividly. There was a huge snowstorm, and I was due to graduate at 11 a.m. I was also delivering the commencement speech so I had to be early. My dad was so nervous for me to drive by myself in the storm. Like it was the first time I had drove in snow!

I made it just fine, and the ceremony and my speech went just great. I remembering looking out and seeing my mom and dad's faces, and seeing the look of pride on their faces. I guess I never fully understood the feeling, until I became a parent myself. But there is something to be said about watching your child accomplish something.

After graduation my dad came up to me and hugged me with tears in his eyes. He was so proud of me. And I was so happy to have two loving parents that supported me and helped me in any way possible get through school. If I close my eyes really hard, I can still smell his leather jacket that he has on in this picture.

2010-09-10T07:40:00.002-05:00

It’s hard to believe that in the blink of an eye, with the exhale of breath, in a heartbeat so much can change. In just one split second everyone who knew and loved my dad experienced major change. Just as he transitioned from one life to another, so did we – from a life with him in it to a new life without him.

In the months since he died so much has happened to all of us – new milestones are being reached every day. For me, my new normal is filled with happiness that is colored by memories of my life with my dad.

I let these memories of him inspire and push me forward smiling when I encounter little reminders of him like songs, smells or places. This time of year was his all time favorite - goose hunting season. I think that is why I miss him so much right now. I know he would be sitting in his goose blind, the wind on his back, smiling in the beaming sun. All of these memories and thoughts remind me that moving on isn’t about leaving anything behind, but about integrating those things we have lost into our new way of living. And letting them empower us to do more, be more and hope for more than we ever thought possible without regretting a single thing.

2010-09-06T08:27:00.002-05:00

So yesterday my sister and I decided to clean out all of my dad's clothes. My mom wanted the space, but she couldn't bring herself to do it, so she asked us. I wanted to take the t-shirts and make a quilt out of them. My sister is making some pillows.

So we started digging through all of his stuff, and it was way harder than I ever thought it would be. We cried the entire time as we dug through all of his familiar clothes. You could still smell him on the clothes.

We made three piles - one for me, one for my sister, and one for Good Will. My good friend Mel helped us bag everything up. It was so hard. It was almost like getting rid of his clothes made it real that he was gone. Like we were finalizing it. It felt so wrong to get rid of so many years of clothes.

I tried reminding myself that his clothes are just material things. Getting rid of them does not mean we are getting rid of his memory. It was just so hard. Especially when I found a pair of jeans with his belt still in them. I couldn't bear to throw the belt away. I have no idea what I'll do with it, but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.

Now I can start the daunting task of cutting everything up for my quilt. I think that will be so hard to. But I guess I can make this into a very theraputic thing.

New Love

2010-09-03T16:00:00.002-05:00

So I've been debating about posting this for awhile now. But I think most people know now. A couple of months ago my mom started dating again. She is dating an old friend whose wife died two years ago. Jerry and his wife Lynn hung out with my mom and dad. My mom ran into Jerry at a bar when we went away on Mother's day. It was a sign I think that it was meant to be. They went to dinner to catch up, and ever since have been inseparable.

At first my mom said she felt like she was cheating on dad. And I can imagine after spending 34 years with your husband, you would feel that way. And I have to admit, at first it was really hard to see my mom dating again. Just because it was weird. But no matter what, I want my mom happy. That is all that matters to me. And I am mature and grown up enough to know that just because my mom is dating another man, it doesn't mean that she loved my dad any less, or isn't hurting anymore. I get it all. She is just looking for a little slice of happiness again. And I am so happy she has found it.

Me and my sister couldn't be more thankful for Jerry. He is a wonderful, caring man. He leaves my mom loves notes and cards, takes care of her lawn, cleans her house when she is at work, and loves spending time with her. He even likes spending time with us! He loves my kiddos. McKenna calls him "Jury".

In no shape or form, I know Jerry is not trying to take the place of my dad. No one EVER could. I think about my dad daily. Sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry. But I am happy that my mom is not alone, and that she has such a stellar guy in her life again. I look forward to developing my own relationship with Jerry. I know even though he is not my dad, he loves my mom, and he is still older and wiser and can provide the type of advice I miss getting from my dad.

I picture my dad and Lynn up in heaven, looking down on my mom and Jerry smiling. Like this was meant to be. Like they were put together to help each other and comfort each other. Perhaps, a match made in heaven.

Another Milestone

2010-08-31T10:25:00.002-05:00

This weekend will be another milestone without my dad. Our annual Labor Day celebration at my mom and dad's pond. Some aunts and cousins and their kids all come to my mom's house and we eat and grill out and fish and just have one last "summer celebration". My dad would always love this get together. He was so proud of his pond, and was so happy to share it with people and love people enjoying it. I know he'll be looking down on us, but it's still not the same.

I

Hips are good!

2010-08-24T15:53:00.002-05:00

Macey had her tests done today, and everything is good. They tried doing the ultrasound, but couldn't see enough. They said the older babies get, the harder it is to see on ultrasound. So they brought her in for x-rays instead. She did so amazing, acted like such a big girl. She didn't cry once! She would kick her legs once in awhile in irritation, but other than that she was perfect. I couldn't believe it. And we are so happy to know that everything is fine!!!

Hip Ultrasound

2010-08-23T20:01:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow we are going in to get an ultrasound of Macey's hips. At her 9 month old well baby check last week, the doctor noticed one of her skin folds on her one leg is much bigger than the other. He said it can be an indication that her hip is not forming properly. She did have a click right after she was born in her hip, but went away by her first pediatrician appointment. I hope that everything is okay. I have been watching her leg and how she holds it since her appointment, and it seems okay to me. It doesn't seem out of place or anything. Let's hope everything is okay, and we get the results rather quickly.

So Blessed

2010-08-20T11:44:00.002-05:00

I am so blessed with so many good friends and family. I always knew it, but yesterday on my birthday I was truly blown away by all of the texts and messages saying happy birthday. I also recieved so many special gifts! I always knew that the best gifts come from the heart, but was reminded of it yesterday. Like my husband bringing me home a six pack of Guiness beer, a birthday cake, and grilling me steak. Or McKenna saying "happy birthday mommy" as she wiped the sleep from her eyes in the morning. Or spending the day shopping with my mom. My friends from work bought me a gift certificate for the yoga classes I love. I am so thankful for all of the friends and family who make life worth living! My 30's are going to be great!

Another Milestone

2010-08-19T07:13:00.002-05:00

Another milestone is here without my dad. My first birthday without him. My 30th birthday. I have to admit, I miss my dad calling me and singing happy birthday to me. I have tears in my eyes as I remember his voice singing every year.

I know my dad is smiling down on me today. Even though he is not here to personally wish me happy birthday, I have to believe he is in heaven looking down and is going to give me an awesome day.

Lasting Impressions

2010-08-17T09:52:00.003-05:00

It was this time last year that my dad got the news that Wired Outdoors was going to come and hunt on his property with my dad. He was beyond excited. It was the best hunt of his life. He was so proud. My mom sat praying for geese, knowing it may be his last hunt.

My mom recieved an e-mail from Larry at Smart Sticks, who was part of the hunt. He sent a message to all of his hunting buddies, saying:

Hi All,

Getting Ready. It's once again that time of year filled with great
anticipation. The time just before Fall, and hunting, and reunions with
hunting partners. Exactly at this time last year 8 hunters were getting
ready to hunt with Ron Maass. This year as we get ready to hunt, our
friend Ron is in Heaven.
The attached Word encourages us to Be Ready as we will indeed see
Ron again.
Fall is my favorite season!

Looking Forward,

Larry

The words he had attached were these:

Be Ready Luke 12:32-40 (NRSV)

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give alms. Make purses for yourselves that do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

"Be dressed for action and have your lamps lit; be like those who are waiting for their master to return from the wedding banquet, so that they may open the door for him as soon as he comes and knocks. Blessed are those slaves whom the master finds alert when he comes; truly I tell you, he will fasten his belt and have them sit down to eat, and he will come and serve them. If he comes during the middle of the night, or near dawn, and finds them so, blessed are those slaves.

"But know this: if the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. You also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour."

It makes me happy to know that he made such an impression on these folks, that after only hunting with him one time, they constantly remember him. I wrote back to Larry and thanked him for remembering my dad, and letting him know how much the hunt meant to my dad. He responded back with some photos, and this story:

It was indeed an honor to have shared this earth for a few hours with your Dad. Kindred spirits.

Will keep you guys updated as the PA team will be here 9-12 Sept this year to capture a little more WI goose footage. Their goal is to produce a complete episode of goose hunting including a highlight of our hunt with Ron.
Time will tell.

During our hunt: Since the blind was full, Your Dad and Eric Olsen stood in the cattails at the N end of the pond. A small group of geese went past and the blind and not shooting real well, we got all but one goose that escaped to the North. Ron promptly dumped that goose and instantly there were audible cheers of "All Right" (both for his good shot and that he helped take the whole flock). Later, Ron told me privately, "You know Larry, that cheer out there, that was the best part of the whole hunt for me". That still makes me happy.

It makes me happy too. I know my dad's heaven consists of a big pond, endless fields, and an unlimited amount of geese.

Cheese

2010-08-16T10:34:00.002-05:00

This morning I was slicing a few pieces of cheese for McKenna, and it made me think of my dad. It made me remember the time he came to my apartment to watch a Packer game. I had some cheese and sausage out. My dad was harrasing me about how thick my cheese was sliced, and what an awful job I did. That Christmas my dad bought me a cheese cutter as a gift. I still have it and use it.

This is another example of how the simplest things remind me of my dad. On a daily basis I think of him at least ten times. I know its because he shaped me to be the person I am today. But I also think its because I have so many fond memories of him for 29 years, that everything in life is going to remind me of my dad. And because all I have left are memories...I think it's a good thing. Even if it is something as simple as cheese.

Missing you dad

2010-08-12T10:40:00.002-05:00

I miss you so much dad....
so much that sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.
Everything in this world reminds me of you in some way or another...
every smell, every taste, any song, everything that I see provokes some memory of you.
It seems like so long ago since I saw you....
but really it has only been 6 months.
I think the longer it is...
the harder it gets.
I can't imagine never seeing you again in this lifetime...
the thought is still unfathomable to me.
I miss you so much dad...

The Shelf

2010-08-10T11:08:00.002-05:00

This past weekend my grandparents had to move into an assisted living facility. They really should have moved there long ago, but they are quite stubborn and set in their ways. They've wanted to remain in the only place that they knew as home.

My mom helped move them. My aunt was telling my mom how my grandma did not want to take a shelf that has all of her angels displayed, instead she went to the attic and dug out an older smaller shelf. My aunt couldn't understand why she would want this smaller shelf, especially since all of the angels wouldn't fit on there.

When my mom was helping my aunt unpack, she came across the small shelf my grandma was so insistent on bringing. Here it was the first shelf my dad ever made and gave to her. My grandma thought this shelf was perfect and beautiful, even with all of it's imperfections of being small and uneven. This was the shelf she wanted and holds so much sentimental value to her.

My mom and aunt placed the shelf over my grandparent's bed, with some of the angels displayed, and of course my dad's picture. I can't imagine how they must feel outliving a son. I am sure they miss him as much as I do. I just think it is very touching that my grandma remembered that shelf and wanted it along on their new journey to their new place.

Nicole's Favorite Things

2010-08-05T15:59:00.002-05:00

www.taaz.com

This is a fun website where you can give yourself a makeover, using real products and colors that exist. You can change your eye color, eyeshadow, lip color, plump your lips...you can just about do anything. You can also make yourself over according to different celebritie's styles. This website is lots of fun!!

Nicole's Favorite Things

2010-08-02T11:31:00.002-05:00

Flip Video - UltraHD Camcorder

I am not a gadgety or electronics kind of girl, but this camcorder is one of my favorite things. It is small enough to carry in my purse or diaper bag whenever I go somewhere. It is also easy to shoot, you just turn it on, and with a push of a button you can record with only one hand. It is also great because you don't need to worry about having blank video tapes on hand. You just plug it into your computer via the USB port, and upload your videos. You can save them, upload them to your favorite site (I use youtube), or you can burn them to dvd's. The software that it comes with makes it very easy. You can also combine all your small one minute movies, into a longer video. It is also great because it makes sharing your videos on blogs and Facebook so easy. It is also very reasonably priced at $199.00.

Product Features
Weighs only 6 ounces
Simple user interface - Features one-touch recording and digital zoom
Large 2" antiglare color LCD screen
Holds up to 2 hours of HD-quality video
On 8GB of built-in memory; no tapes or additional memory cards required
Convenient flip-out USB arm
Plugs directly into your computer to launch built-in FlipShare software
Rechargeable battery - Recharges through built-in USB arm while you're plugged into your computer. Supports the use of 2 AA batteries for additional power options
Captures HD 720p H.264 video
Compatible with Windows Media Player, QuickTime and iTunes
Watch videos instantly on TV
Instant playback -Pause, fast forward, rewind, zoom and delete functions

Harder as time goes on

2010-07-30T09:15:00.002-05:00

So I am feeling the loss of my dad more than ever. The last two weeks have been really hard. I find myself crying at random times. This week I started crying during meditation time at yoga. I am just so sad. I think it is hitting me so hard now for two reasons. The first reason being I am starting to miss his presence even more, and the second being, that for the first time since my dad passed away, I am allowing myself to feel. Instead of blocking out the feelings, memories, and emotions, I am letting them in and out. It's hard. I wish I could feel his presence, and I wish I could know that he is okay. I hardly even dream about him. I wish I could have a dream where I could see his face and smile again. It's just so hard to fathom not ever seeing him again in this lifetime. He was such a wonderful man. I just hope that I am making him proud (here come the tears again)! I think back to my Eulogy I gave about him at his funeral. I know he would have been very proud of me in that moment. I turned a church full of crying people, into a church full of laughing people. I can just hear him say "that's my girl".

Nicole's Favorite Things

2010-07-28T14:36:00.002-05:00

Ecotools Bamboo Eye Brush Set, 6 Piece

Another eye shadow favorite! This eyebrush set is very affordable at under $7.00. I bought mine at Walgreens. It has all of the perfect tools to apply eyeshadow perfectly. The set includes:
Large Eye Brush to apply and blend shadows
Angled Crease Brush that softly applies color to crease for definition
Petite Eye Shading Brush for accent colors for a bold look
Highlighting Brush perfect for highlighting the brow bone and inner corners of the eye.
Smudge Brush smudge shadow and liner along lash line for a smoky look.
Cosmetic Case with Mirror conveniently store brushes

The set is also earth friendly and is made from highly sustainable bamboo handles!

Nicole's Favorite Things

2010-07-28T14:29:00.002-05:00

120 Color Eyeshadow Palette 2nd Edition

This eyeshadow palette is so much fun, and has endless possibilities. Some of the colors are so bold I probably will never use them other than for Halloween costumes, but with all the colors in the palette, it is easy to mix and blend for even more color combinations.

I bought this palette for $26.00 plus shipping and handling from Amazon. It was a great buy, as I won't be buying eye shadow for a very long time.